Post Your jokes here

[sohamsri]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself
out as a "handy-woman" and
started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if
he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, how
much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would
need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does
she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"


He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?' The wife replied, "You're
right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes
we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over,
so I gave it two coats.

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed
it to her.

























"And by the way," the Blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a
Lexus.

) ) )
Nice !

[sohamsri]

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!”

His father says, “Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?”

“Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’”

[sohamsri]

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of
battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."

"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"

[bolo121]

The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack. His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support. At night the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off. Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive. At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. "I've got a difficult decision" the VP says, "I either have to lay you or Jack off." "Oh, jack-off" Mary says, "I've got a headache."

You Know for a moment i mistook your post for for tankie's )

[sohamsri]

Thats a great compliment then. )

[bolo121]

Came across this on the Intarwebs

From the Enlisted's Book of Knowledge comes this passage.

In the beginning was The Plan. Then came the Assumptions. The Assumptions were without form. The Plan was completely without substance and darkness was upon the face of the airmen, and they spoke amongst themselves, saying "It is a crock of shit and it stinketh". And the airmen went unto their supervisors saying, "It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof", and the supervisors went unto their Branch Chiefs saying, "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it". The Branch Chiefs then went unto the Commanders saying "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide it's strength". The Commanders spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong". The Commanders then went to their Deputies saying, "It promotes growth and it is very powerful". The Deputies went unto the Wing Commander and said "This new Plan will actively promote growth and efficiency of the Wing and in weak areas in particular". The Wing Commander looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good and the Plan became Policy. This is how shit happens, so sayeth the Enlisted Guru.

[DragoonGuard]

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,

"I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.

Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food.

On weekends, I pop pills, and don't exercise at all.


"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
















"Thirty-four," she replied.

[Gun Grape]

I'm sure this isn't a real letter but I was ROFL

Dear sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows
that I bought a roll of T.V. cable from them back in 1987, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my
social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for
the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license,
on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs
declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane
over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are
done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is
Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that
ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologize, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've
had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you
ask me for my freakin' address.

What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal A**holes workin' there!
Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up
Yasser Arafat, for goodness sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a
sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a crap whether I plan
on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do
something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not
want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and
get another freakin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60.
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to
assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be
to damn easy and maybe makes sense. You'd rather have us running all over
the freakin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some
A**hole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know,the
one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic freakin' morons) Hey,
you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!


Signed
- An Irate Citizen.


P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to
confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776
........ I have served in the military for something over 20 years and have
had security clearances up the yingyang ........ However, I have to get
someone'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA !

Sincerely,

You Sure In The Hell Should Know Who.

[DragoonGuard]

Whether its real or not, - Hats off to the author of this one from the UK........


Best Complaint Letter
Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and
read on.

Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint
letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)

Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was canceled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my t..ticles for a few minutes
- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important t..ticle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's
in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were s.it, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful
customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - w..nkers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused
rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the
time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of *****.


John

[Mobbme]

A fellow slid his car off a road and ended up in a ditch. A farmhouse was nearby so the motorist asked the owner if he had a tractor he could borrow to get his truck back on the road.

"Nope, but I got my mule, Blue," said the farmer.


"I doubt a mule is strong enough to pull my truck out."


"You don't know Blue," said the mule's proud owner.


So Blue was hitched to the truck. "Pull, Blue!" The truck didn't move.

And the farmer then called out, "Pull, Elmer!" The truck moved a little.


Then the farmer yelled, "Pull, Biscuit," and the truck was free.


"Thank you so much," said the truck owner. "But I have a question. You called your mule by three different names. How is that?"


"Simple," said the farmer. "Blue is blind. And if he thought he was the only one pulling, your truck would still be in the ditch!"

[Mobbme]

Tired of boring old dog name like Ruff, Spot, Lassie, etc?
The next time you get a dog, name it: Mypenis
Why, you ask? Well just look at some of the great excuses you can use for school, work, and general conversation!

-I did do my homework but Mypenis ate it!
-Oh no, Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
-Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
-I'm sorry officer, I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
-Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
-Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
-If Mypenis begs at the dinner table, I just tell it to LAY DOWN!
-I love giving Mypenis a bath, but Mypenis doesn't like cold water.
-At night, I like to snuggle with Mypenis.
-Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
-Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!
-Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
-Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
-Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
-I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
-I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
-Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
-I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
-Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.
-HELP! Mypenis is lost...can you help me find him?
-Sorry to be driving slow officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
-Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
-Mypenis got fleas from the neighbors dog.
-Anytime Mypenis gets too excited, I just scratch him behind the head.
-Please do not feed Mypenis table scraps!
-Do you think you could feed Mypenis while I'm on vacation?
-I have a cat that plays very well with Mypenis.
-When I take Mypenis for a ride in the car, I roll down the window so it can hang it's head out.

[tankie]

Tired of boring old dog name like Ruff, Spot, Lassie, etc?
The next time you get a dog, name it: Mypenis
Why, you ask? Well just look at some of the great excuses you can use for school, work, and general conversation!

-I did do my homework but Mypenis ate it!
-Oh no, Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
-Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
-I'm sorry officer, I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
-Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
-Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
-If Mypenis begs at the dinner table, I just tell it to LAY DOWN!
-I love giving Mypenis a bath, but Mypenis doesn't like cold water.
-At night, I like to snuggle with Mypenis.
-Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
-Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!
-Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
-Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
-Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
-I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
-I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
-Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
-I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
-Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.
-HELP! Mypenis is lost...can you help me find him?
-Sorry to be driving slow officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
-Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
-Mypenis got fleas from the neighbors dog.
-Anytime Mypenis gets too excited, I just scratch him behind the head.
-Please do not feed Mypenis table scraps!
-Do you think you could feed Mypenis while I'm on vacation?
-I have a cat that plays very well with Mypenis.
-When I take Mypenis for a ride in the car, I roll down the window so it can hang it's head out.

)))

[captain]

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.

You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!:P


Cheers.

[dave lukins]

A fellow slid his car off a road and ended up in a ditch. A farmhouse was nearby so the motorist asked the owner if he had a tractor he could borrow to get his truck back on the road.

"Nope, but I got my mule, Blue," said the farmer.


"I doubt a mule is strong enough to pull my truck out."


"You don't know Blue," said the mule's proud owner.


So Blue was hitched to the truck. "Pull, Blue!" The truck didn't move.

And the farmer then called out, "Pull, Elmer!" The truck moved a little.


Then the farmer yelled, "Pull, Biscuit," and the truck was free.


"Thank you so much," said the truck owner. "But I have a question. You called your mule by three different names. How is that?"


"Simple," said the farmer. "Blue is blind. And if he thought he was the only one pulling, your truck would still be in the ditch!"

Fantastic..great..made me laugh so much I almost spilt my wine)

[dave lukins]

Thats a great compliment then. )

RUN FOR THE HILLS.................................