Post Your jokes here

[Mobbme]

in iraq they tell the story of a merchant who had a servant. One day the servant went to the market place in baghdad, where he bumped into what appeared to be an old man, the old man turned to look at the servant, who saw that it was infact death himself. Death looked at him strangely, and the servant fled back to his master. "master", he said, "i just saw death in the market and he gave me a meaningful look! Please may i borrow your horse so i can go to samarra to avoid what he has in store for me?" the merchant leant the servant his horse, and the servant fled.
Later that day the merchant went to the marketplace as well, where death was still waiting. "why did you scare my servant?" he asked.
"scare him?" i didn't mean to scare him. I was just surprised to see him in baghdad. You see, i have an appointment with him in samarra this evening".

lolllll

)

[tankie]

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I
got this great Polish Joke..."

The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before you
go telling that joke you better know that I'm Polish, both bouncers are
Polish and so are most of my customers"


"Okay" says the customer,"I'll tell it very slowly."

[VietPhuong]

........now it's long..

[Southie]

1) A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.


2) There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in FLORIDA .


3) There are 10,000 types of spiders, and all 10,000 of them live in OCALA, FL.


4) If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.


5) "Onced" and "Twiced" are words.


6) It is not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.


7) "Jaw-P?" means, "Did y'all go to the bathroom?"


8) People actually grow and eat okra.


9) "Fixinto" is one word.


10) There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper...


11) Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two.


We do like a little tea with our sugar.


12) Backwards and forwards means, "I know everythin' bout you."


13) The word "jeet" is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"


14) You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see...


15) You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.


16) You measure distance in minutes.


17) You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.


18) All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.


19) You know what a "Dawg" is.


20) You carry jumper cables in your car - for your own car.


21) You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete , Tabasco and ketchup.


22) The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and high school football...


23) You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.


24) You find 100 degrees "a bit warm."


25) You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.


26) Going to Walmart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Walmartin" or "off to Wally World."


27) You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as g ood hog killin' weather.


28) Fried catfish is the other white meat.


29) We don't need no dang Driver's Ed...


If our mama says we can drive, we can drive dag-nabbit.


30) You understand these jokes and forward them to your FLORIDA friends and those who just wish they were from FLORIDA !!!!!

A co-worker sent this to me! Even if you're not a Floridian, I think you'll get a kick out of it!!!

[tankie]

.
Don't blame me --- I don't write them, only forward these stories.










Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea , two prawns were swimming around.


One called Justin and the other called Christian.


The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.


Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'


A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'


Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.


Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.


Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.


All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.


Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.


While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.


He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.


With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.


(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).


Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.


'Where's Christian?' he asked.


'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.


Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.


As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.


He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'


Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'


Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........


(You're going to love this...............................)










.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.

'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'

[Knaur Amarsh]

'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'

))

[Andrey Egorov]

these are friends of my friend

[Gun Grape]

30) You understand these jokes and forward them to your FLORIDA friends and those who just wish they were from FLORIDA !!!!!

A co-worker sent this to me! Even if you're not a Floridian, I think you'll get a kick out of it!!!

Jokes? Them aint jokes. Thats the Mosquito state to a tee

I don't know why you would post that in the Joke thread.

[tankie]

YA GONNA LOVE THIS PARI


------


Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For
those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of
Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland).

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and
Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in
bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in
settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But
I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and
shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to
feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not
so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what
ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo
steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon
and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a
'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back
paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I
keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a
bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like
the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before
the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the
target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges,
they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the
rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be
real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil
and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after
the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the
best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the
Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the
shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but
I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick
before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila )

[tankie]

>
> In Queensland l had owned a large property for several years. I had
> a dam in one of the lower paddocks where I had planted mango and
> avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was
> built and I also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of
> the fruit trees.
>
> One evening I, the farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it
> over, as I hadn't been there for a while. I grabbed a ten litre bucket
> to bring back some fruit. As I neared the dam, I heard voices shouting
> and laughing with glee. As I came closer I saw it was a bunch of young
> women skinny-dipping in my dam. I made the women aware of my presence
> and they all went to the deep end.
>
> One of the women shouted to me, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
> I frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or
> make you get out of the dam naked.'
> Holding the bucket up , 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'
>
> Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast

[tankie]

Bran Muffins

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.



Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.



They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'



The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'



Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.

This is Heaven!'



The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'



The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your freaking bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!

[Knaur Amarsh]

))




))

[BD1]

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))

btw., the barmaids in the vid are from a pub, that neighbours a pub called ´Hell Hunt´ - ´Gentle Wolf´ in english

[Knaur Amarsh]

btw., the barmaids in the vid are from a pub, that neighbours a pub called ´Hell Hunt´ - ´Gentle Wolf´ in english

Link is working fine here :P ) You are just making excuses because you are sad you married a Latvian instead.

[standoh]

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He
acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out
to
be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it
was a
weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in
his
work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking
into it.

12. Atheism -is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. --One hat said
to
the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the
Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. His
grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No Change
yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road - is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at
large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.

20. A backward poet - writes inverse.

21. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your
count
that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

23. Don't join dangerous cults: - Practice safe sects !