If you haven't the seen the video on youtube about Kassie and monsters, it is a good one to check out.
HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER!
You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was.
Brian's mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.”
So he sat down and wrote:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if Stephanie was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
LESSON OF THE DAY: NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
Don't go to the link if you don't like the idea of suicidal bunny rabbits. marvel however if you have a sense of humour at the guy's insane thought processes...
Bunny suicides | Dibujos del conejo suicida
The Cremated Husband
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she slowly and carefully poured his remains out on the Patio Table.
Then, while idly tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
"Bob, you know that dishwasher you promised me........?
"I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Bob, remember that car you promised me........?"
"Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Bob, that diamond ring you promised me.......?"
"Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Bob, remember that blow job I always promised you...........?"
"Here it comes.........."
A little old Irish lady walks into her family doctor's office one fine day.The doctor asks"What seems to be the problem?".Embarrassed,the little old lady blushes and explains"Well doctor,my husband...well,his wee little willy won't stand up n'more"."Say no more" says the doctor,"Modern medicine can handle this easily,just have him take one Viagra tablet and you'll see fantastic results"."Oh no no no he'll be havin' none of that young man,he won't take pills,doesn't believe in them"says the old woman."I'll tell you what"says the doctor,"Wait until his back is turned and then crush a pill up and slip it into his morning coffee"."Are ye sure that'll work?"says the old lady."Positively"says the doctor.The old lady agrees to give it a try and leaves.About a week later the little old lady comes back into the office in a rush."Doctor,Doctor it's horrible just horrible"she cries."What?Slow down.What happened?"he asks."Well"she says"I did just what you said,I waited until his back was turned,crushed up a pill and slipped in into his coffee.""Yes,and then what?"the doctor asks."He drinks his coffee and about 15 minutes later he jumps up grabs me,throws me up on the table,rips me clothes off and has his way with me!"she cries. "But I thought that was what you wanted."replies the doctor."Aye!"she wails"But I'll never be able to show me face in Starbuck's again!"
"Every government degenerates when trusted to the rulers of the people alone. The people themselves, therefore, are its only safe depositories." Thomas Jefferson
Q : What happened to cinderella when she reached the ball?
A : She choked!
An old man and woman were married for many years, and stayed married despite the fact that they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, the screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbours feared him. They believed he practised black magic -- because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died suddenly of a heart attack.
His wife had a closed coffin at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local pub and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...."
Semper in excretum. Solum profunda variat.
Nescafé manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafé official whispers, "Your
eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafé is prepared to donate £100
million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day
our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord,
It must not be changed."
Well," says the Nescafé man, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this
reason, we will increase our offer to £300 million. All we require is that
you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to Give
us this day our daily coffee'."
Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the
word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Nescafé guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafé respect your
adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate £500
million - that's half a billion quid - to the great Catholic church if you
would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread'
to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'. Please consider it." And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some Good news," he announces, "and some bad news..... The good
news is that the Church will come into £500 million."
"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Hovis Account."
Semper in excretum. Solum profunda variat.
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked
up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open. Not being a phrase that
men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about
done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up
and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady that
told him about his "barracks door" was. He was planning to have a little
fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my
barracks door open, did you see a smart soldier standing in there at attention?"
The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said
"No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of
old duffel bags.
Semper in excretum. Solum profunda variat.
On another thread there was mentioned the Sino-Russias border clashes and that reminded an old Russian joke :
"During the Damansky Island incident the Chinese military developed three main strategies: The Great Offensive, The Small Retreat, and Infiltration by Small Groups of One to Two Million Across the Border."
If i only was so smart yesterday as my wife is today
Minding your own biz is great virtue, but situation awareness saves lives - Dok
a bear a chicke and a lion are in the jungle,
The lion says I AM THE SCARIEST ANIMAL IN THE JUNGLE ,WHEN I ROAR THE JUNGLE QUIVERS,
the bears laughs HA HA THATS NOTHING WHEN I STAND UP AND ROAR THE TREES SHAKE .
the chicken looks and says 1 COUGH OUT OF ME AND THE WHOLE WORLD SHITS THEMSELVES
How many male chauvanist pigs does it take to clean a ####house
ITS A WOMANS JOB
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