Post Your jokes here

[execrable]

Something worrying about this...

[execrable]

This was posted elsewhere on another forum. It's an affirmative PC / Multicultural action joke cos it offends everyone.

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On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people have been accidentally stranded:

• 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman.
• 2 French men and 1 French woman.
• 2 German men and 1 German woman.
• 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman.
• 2 English men and 1 English woman.
• 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman.
• 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman.
• 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman.
• 2 American men and 1 American woman.
• 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman.
• 2 Scottish men and 1 Scottish woman
• 2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman.
• 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman.

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred..........

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and
another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor-store/restaurant/laundry and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to obtain employees for their store.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men.

The two Scotsmen aren’t speaking to the Scottish woman once they discovered she is a Celtic fan.

Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the Scottish and the English aren't having any fun!

[RustyBattleship]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks
in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you sell
widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his
knees so that he's on her level, and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and
fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle
bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her
hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice,
"I don't think my python . . . . weally gives a thit."

[braindead]

that´s what Black Metal is all about
Music Review of (THE OTHER) TOP 10 MOST RIDICULOUS BLACK METAL PICS OF ALL TIME only at RuthlessReviews.Com

Not very work safe and the language leaves to desire , but the pics ....

[Dreadnought]

A president walks into a journalists' dinner ...
POSTED: 5:11 a.m. EDT, March 29, 2007
Story Highlights• Bush brings standup routine to Radio and Television Correspondents' dinner
• President pokes fun at himself, Cheney, Democrats
• Says his memoir will be creative, "maybe a pop-up book"
Adjust font size:


WASHINGTON (AP) -- Tell us, Mr. President, how have things changed since the last broadcasters' dinner?

"A year ago my approval rating was in the 30s, my nominee for the Supreme Court had just withdrawn, and my vice president had shot someone," President Bush said Wednesday night during the annual gathering.

"Ah," he said, "those were the good ol' days."

In keeping with the lighthearted traditions of the Radio and Television Correspondents' Association dinner, Bush poked fun at himself and a few others in remarks that drew laughter and applause at the Washington Hilton Hotel. (Watch the president try his hand at comedy )

Bush thanked the organization for providing dinner, "and I'd like to thank Sen. Webb for providing security."

Virginia's Democratic senator, Jim Webb, had to explain this week why an aide was carrying a loaded handgun as he tried to enter a Capitol complex building.

Noting that Vice President Dick Cheney was not in attendance, Bush said: "He's had a rough few weeks. To be honest, his feelings were kind of hurt. He said he was going on vacation to Afghanistan, where people like him."

Cheney's recent trip to Afghanistan was marked by a bombing near where he was meeting with officials.

On the controversy over the Justice Department's firing of eight federal prosecutors, Bush said: "I have to admit we really blew the way we let those attorneys go. You know you've lost it when people sympathize with lawyers."

Acknowledging House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-California, at the head table, Bush said some had wondered how he'd get along with her. "Some say she's bossy, she's opinionated, she's not to be crossed," he said. "Hey, I get along with my mother."

Looking ahead to life after leaving the White House, Bush said he might follow President Clinton's lead and produce a memoir.

"I'm thinking of something really fun and creative for mine," he said. "You know, maybe a pop-up book."

Possible titles: "How W. Got His Groove Back," "Who Moved My Presidency?" and "Tuesdays with Cheney."

But seriously, folks, Bush noted that another person missing from the audience of broadcast journalists was Sen. Barack Obama, the Illinois Democrat running for president.

"Not enough press," the president cracked.

Comics from the TV show "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" provided the professional humor. Among other things, they persuaded Bush political adviser Karl Rove to participate in an improvised rap song. (Watch rappin' Rove and his posse )

The black-tie dinner, the group's 63rd annual gathering of journalists, politicians and their guests, features political and topical humor.

See, Even being the most unpopular person he still has a sense of humor.

[glyn]

Two little old ladies...

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench
outside the local town hall where a flower show was in
progress.

The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring.
We never have any fun any more. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes
off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a
$5.00 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out
of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as
fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the
flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge
commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause
and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady
came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering
crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as the Best Dried Arrangement

[glyn]

Subject: Tiger


A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to
consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have
a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed
with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get
something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a
second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are
you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service
to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more
time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the
phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I thought I would call Tiger Woods to find out what the par is for
this hole."

[glyn]

JOHN CLEESE'S LETTER To AMERICA (former Monty Python member)


*To the citizens of the United States of America :

In light of your failure to elect competent
Presidents of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,
we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will
resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths and other territories (excepting
Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a
governor for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next
year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are to be introduced
with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English Dictionary.

Then look up "aluminium," and check the
pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'
will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
'favour' and 'neighbour.'

Likewise,you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize"
will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced
'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as
'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with
correct pronunciation.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up
"vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and
"you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will
let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You will relearn your original national anthem,
"God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying
out Task #1 (see above).

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a
holiday. November 2nd will be a new national
holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It
will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that
you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not
adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not
grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own
or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable
peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are
crap and this is for your own good. When we show
you European cars, you will understand what we mean.
All intersections will be replaced with
roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left
with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric immediately and without the benefit
of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol
(which you have been calling "gasoline") -roughly
$8 US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things
you call French fries are not real chips, and those
things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise
but with vinegar.

10. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be
more aggressive with customers.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling
beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only
proper British Bitter will be referred to as
"beer," and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American
brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of
further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be
required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an
experience akin to having one's ears removed with a
cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American "football."
There is only one kind of proper football; you call
it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in
time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American "football", but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the "World
Series" for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there
is a world beyond your borders, your error is
understandable.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been
driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector)
from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due
backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese

[sappersgt]

Bushcronium: New Element on Periodic Table

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Bushcronium."

Bushcronium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.
These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-likeparticles called peons. The symbol for Bushcronium is "W."

Bushcronium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons in a Bushcronium molecule, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron- promotion leads some scientists to believe that Bushcronium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."

When catalyzed with money, Bushcronium activates Foxnewsium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude, more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.

I'm going to save this and substitute for "Bush" the name of whatever idiot the Democrats elect for President.

[RustyBattleship]

Originally Posted by sappersgt

I'm going to save this and substitute for "Bush" the name of whatever idiot the Democrats elect for President.

I hope you mean "Presidential CANDIDATE". Besides, how would you pronounce Hillaryiumite?

[gunnut]

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?

A: None. It should be open by the time she brings it over.

[standoh]

I cannot claim original authorship for these here gems, but I just had to share them;



Shrink-to-fit jeans are a great idea
on paper. Unfortunately, my grow-to-fit
ass works faster than they do.

(Scott E. Frank)

-=++=-

I was recently informed that mistletoe is
a parasitic weed that attaches itself to
a helpless tree, sucking its life away.
While I begrudgingly tried to appreciate the
impromptu lesson, I was actually hoping for a
kiss when I held it over the woman's head.

(James Knowles)

-=++=-



"Oops!... I Did It Again" is a wonderful title
for a pop song, but a lousy response when
you're caught sleeping with your wife's sister.

(Brad Osberg)

-=++=-

For others who may not know this:
When the preacher says, "You may now kiss
the bride," he's only speaking to the groom.

(David Gunter)

[braindead]

Anybody remember old Fantomas , master of disguise , comedies ?

"Haha!" said Fantomas as he snuck out of Sophia Loren's bedroom and took off his Carlo Ponti mask. "Haha!" said Inspector Juve later as he snuck out of Sophia Loren's bedroom and took off his Sophia Loren mask.

[braindead]

A Chukcha sits on the shore of the Bering Strait. An American submarine surfaces. The American captain opens the hatch and asks: "Which way is Alaska?" The Chukcha points his finger: "That way!" "Thanks!" says the American, shouts "South-South-East, bearing 159.5 degrees!" down the hatch and the submarine submerges. Ten minutes later a Soviet submarine emerges. The Russian captain opens the hatch and asks the Chukcha: "Where did the American submarine go?" The Chukcha replies: "South-South-East bearing 159.5 degrees!" "Don't be a smart-ass," says the captain, "just point with your finger!"

[entropy]

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,", Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."