Post Your jokes here

[101st Airborne]

A blonde started work in the office of a marketing company.
One day the manager called her into his office and told her to prepare the monthly sales figures.
Later when walking past he looked at her work and said."Ok, print the screen and give a copy to each person on the sales team".
Mmm print screen she thought.

It was lucky for the sales manager and his on-line friends and the staff in the company branches in the other states, that he had the office camera on his desk as he watched the blonde find an extention cord and wheel the photo copier over beside her desk so she could lift the monitor onto it .

[Ray]

From a website:

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth. Number One!
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew
Woman who cook cabbages and peas in same pot very unhygenic.

[Amaterasu]

Gee.. I wonder who that is

Warning Graphic Image, Not safe for work

[101st Airborne]

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands.
He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a VB, and notices his accent.
Over the course of the night they get to know each other. At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place for a drink. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to come back and as Jill is travelling the world and short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders a VB and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders a VB and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him, so she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne".
"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"
"Glen Iris" he replies,
"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"
"Cameo Street" he replies,
"This is unbelievable..." she says, "What number?"
He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.
"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN THINKS AUSTRALIAN

[YellowFever]

warning....not for kids....


A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his Mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his Mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

[YellowFever]

A lame joke..


In the Garden of Eden...

God: Adam, my son, what were you doing with Eve the other night?

Adam: I don't know, Lord. I was just sitting there and Eve got on top of me and started to gyrate. Well, one thing led to another and I had this awesome feeling in the pit of my stomach...

God: No! you were forbidden to do that! Where is Eve? We must talk!

Adam: She's by the river, Lord. Washing herself below the waist....

God:Dammit, now all the fishes are going to smell like that!

[YellowFever]

A Priest and a Sailor was playing golf.

The sailor misses a two foot putt and screams out in frustration!

"F*ck I missed!"

The priest gives him a dirty look but decides not to say anything.

Two holes later the Sailor misses another chippie and repeats himself at the top of his voice.

"F*ck I missed!!"

The priest could not stand it any longer.

"Young man, if you say that dirty word again, god will open up the skies and throw down a lightning bolt and strike you dead right on this spot!"

The sailor, feeling remorse, apologizes.

Three holes later the Sailor misses another cheap putt and, you guessed it, scream at the top of his lungs again.

"f*CK I MISSSED!!!"

All of a sudden, the sky opens up.
Dark clouds form.
The priest knows what to expect and prays for the Sailor's soul.

A bolt of lightning comes crashing down....

....and strikes the priest down..and he is dead.

The Sailor looks startled...sees up into the clouds....and hears god say...

"F*CK, I MISSED!!!"

[execrable]

Originally Posted by glyn

"Simple . On question 7 the American wrote down "I don't know " and you wrote
"Neither do I ".

Fabulous......

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A young newlywed couple moved into a new town and wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed "You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult.....

However, we managed to abstain through sheer will-power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.

However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church,"
stated the pastor.

"We know" said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at the D.I.Y store either."

[T_igger_cs_30]

Guys its to late try this...have put it in the jokes section because if we dont laugh we have nothing left..................enter a mobile/cell number, try a buddies...........but big brother is here follow the link


http://www.sat-gps-locate.com/

[T_igger_cs_30]

Subject: World Peace



Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer are walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total" says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada "

Pooooof! With a blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can EVER come into our precious state."

Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries..

The American engineer asks, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall". The Genie explains , "Well, it's 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds these countries........ it's virtually impenetrable. Now what is your wish?"

The American engineer smiles and says, "Fill it with water."

Pooooof!

WORLD PEACE ! !.........................................

[execrable]

Swearing in the Workplace
Dear members:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some members who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1.
Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training / reading / lessons (insert usual comment)

Instead Of: You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2.
Try Saying:
She's an aggressive go-getter.

Instead Of: She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late

Instead Of: And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4.
Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible

Instead Of: F*** off a*se-wipe

5.
Try Saying:
Really?

Instead Of: Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with...

Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a f***.

7.
Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.

Instead Of: Not my f***ing problem, mate.

8.
Try Saying:
That's interesting.

Instead Of: What the f***?

9.
Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.

Instead Of: No f***ing chance mate.

10.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in

Instead Of: Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11.
Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the issues...

Instead Of: He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12.
Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?

Instead Of: Oi, f*** face.

13.
Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going to be at home doing nothing anyway...

Instead Of: Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway?

[tim52]

A VERY BRAVE MAN WROTE THIS
(He may already be gone for all I know)


"Mom, asks the son, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies,

"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your
Bride is pure."


The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this
With his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

"Son, all household appliances come in white."

[tim52]

Kiwi Hooker

kiwi.bmp

[soutie]

ha ha ha ha i had a very busy day and hard a one that is so funny its made my day

[T_igger_cs_30]

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