Jokes

[bigross86]

What? They actually won a couple? They're disqualified for some so far undetermined reason...

[Ziska]

Heres a post I ripped of another forum written by a chap called Evil Capitalist www.the-frontier.net.

You'd probably like it. They are a bit touchy about some areas, but generally they are intelligent and fun.

When I started this I thought it would be a lot shorter than it ended up. I apologise for letting it get to this length- it could probably do with a fair bit of trimming. Please bear in mind this is all in good fun, and is not an actual attack on the land of the brave and the home of the free. Investments may go down as well as up, keep out of reach of children and rednecks.

A short military history of America

Stars denote wars made into movies showing all-American heros engaged in daring-do, winning the war without need for bad grace, allies, or any weaponry that cannot be assembled out of the contents of the chopping shed and Mom’s apple pie.

The Anglo-Dutch wars: This marks the first real time that the place we think of as America went to war. This was primarily because Indians were getting so scarce on the coast that they could only be massacred in season, and the colonists needed something to do to pass the time. As a consequence they cheered as All-American Hero the Duke of York marched into a tiny Dutch trading post at the mouth of the Hudson, leading those brave All-American boys shipped from over the Atlantic onwards to victory.

The Seven Years War*: Known in America as the French and Indian war, primarily because a good part of the war consisted of the French fighting the Indians, while Americans sat on the sidelines wondering which one would be the easier to massacre. (The official reason for calling it the French and Indian war is because of how it was started by Austria trying to win land off Prussia). The colonists were particularly keen to start the war, and promptly saw their militia slaughtered by the French and Indians, who decided to team up just to give foreigners something to laugh about in later years. After this the war consisted mainly of the Americans waiting for the Household cavalry to appear over the horizon and win the day, which they do over the space of approximately 90 minutes on a bank holiday weekend in 1759. Already we can see a rule forming here- without significant foreign military aid America has severe trouble beating an enemy wielding anything more deadly than a beach parasol.

American War of Independence™*: The Seven Years war led to the formation of the second rule of American warfare- there’s always someone to fight. Without the French in Canada or the Spanish in Florida, there was only one option- fight themselves! Using the convenient excuse of being taxed to pay for their own defence, Americans decided to throw off the oppressive chains of British imperial domination that would later turn Canada into a 1984-style hell. New England rednecks scored impressive victories over regular British forces commanded by inbred incompetents with desires of beating the Russians in the Worst Officer Class ever awards. Wanting fancy uniforms, the Americans then draw up a proper army, which is promptly shattered. This states then argued about who should pay for their independence, while their generals won victories by massacring drunken Germans on internationally recognised holidays. Eventually the French managed to win control over the seas and land some competent officers to instruct the Americans. They then managed to hold on to enough territory while the pro-American opposition in Parliament forced the British to end the war. Thus was born the Land of the Free™ and the Home of the Brave™- two commodities which America has had a complete monopoly on ever since.

War of 1812: The second rule came into play once again, and America looked for someone to beat up. They decide on several million square miles of uninhabited wilderness. End result, Wilderness 1, America 0. The Americans try to pull off a three pronged attack into practically unprotected Canada, while the colonial overlord has all her troops involved in a war to decide the fate of the civilised world 5,000 miles away. American troops distinguished themselves by refusing to fight outside of their home state, showing a firm understanding of the idea of an offensive war. Britain manages to spare enough troops from the Gotterdammerung in Europe to take America’s capital city almost without a fight and burn it to the ground. Clearly we see the first rule in play here- America has trouble beating a force under a man whose chief CV point is being distantly related to Wellington. Although no film was made of this war, it is famous for being the place from which America’s national anthem derives, originally titled “Hey look- we’ve finally won a battle!”.

Indian Wars*: Having established the USA as a beacon of freedom and tolerance in which everyone had a say in the running of the country, the American people found to their horror that centuries of biological warfare had not quite wiped out the natives. Following a policy of ‘It’s not genocide if there are no survivors’, the government decided that the best way to serve the interests of the native Americans was to relocate them all to a telephone box in Arizona. The US army spend fifty glorious years fighting a brave struggle against a cunning and dastardly foe who stood for everything America didn’t, like the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. The war is the stuff of legend in the US, and many American schoolchildren hope that one day they too can go and cleanse Holy American Land of the filthy, alien indigenous peoples.

Mexican Wars: Having dealt with the Indians, the Americans felt confident that they could take on an enemy slightly higher up the ladder of inferior races. Not wanting to take too much in the way of risks they settle on Mexico, which was accused of stockpiling the Pacific coast and violating the no-salsa zone. In its 25 year history Mexico had already managed to lose a war to the three farmsteads that made up Texas, so the US had a fair chance of getting at least a draw. American troops do surprisingly well, especially considering the fact that the enemy have firearms.

The Civil War*: Once again the second rule comes into play- no Indians, no Mexicans, not Canadians to fight. Who next? The answer in retrospect was obvious- hillbillies. Needless to say, the USA was hardly going to make this a fair fight, making sure it massively outnumbered the south in everything that mattered. And they still managed to lose, nearly. Once again, Americans simply could not be bothered to get up and fight, preferring to sit at home and hoping the problem would go away. Having escaped getting their capital Southern Fried for a second time, the north finally remembers that there isn’t anyone else who they can get to fight this war for them, and proceed to pillage and burn anything that looks even vaguely redneck. This war is most famous for the film Gone With the Wind, with it’s classic summary of American foreign policy for the past 300 years- “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn”.

The Spanish American War: After realising that war actually involved effort, America found war ‘boring’ and ‘no longer fun’. As a consequence it was another thirty years before someone poor and weak enough to be a worthy adversary was found. With Mexico looking too dangerous America decided to pick on the world’s most decrepit empire- Spain. With a navy consisting of two old tin baths and a rubber duck the Spanish put up a valiant fight, assuming that a valiant fight consists of synchronised suicide. The Americans take a hill overlooking an insignificant town at ridiculously high cost, lose about a tenth of their entire army to disease and decide that it’s too much effort to bother fighting a proper battle and just wait for the Spanish to give in. This they duly do, and America ‘liberates’ Cuba, whose gratitude shines through to this day.

To be continued...

[Ziska]

...

World War I: 1914 was the year that Europe decided that peace, prosperity and having sections of the population aged between 15 and 35 was overrated. When war starts America manages to have its cake and eat it- not only do they sit around waiting for someone else to fight the war for them, but they kill a load of inferior Mexicans for refusing to salute the US flag. Eventually, after they find out that Germany has offered to help Mexico invade the USA, realising they would have an enemy who could fight back, America finally goes to war. Arriving just in time to chase the Germans back and claim victory, American history books could claim that without them Germany would have conquered the entire world. Upon entering the warzone American commanders demonstrate their intelligence and cunning by marching all their troops straight at the German guns. At this point even the Allied generals, for whom the greatest horror of war was being unable to get real Turkish delight for their mistresses, had figured out that this wasn’t the smartest of moves. The great fighting ability of the American soldier is demonstrated by achieving in seven months three times as many casualties as Belgium managed to suffer in four years, despite being in the middle of Trench warfare for all that time.

World War II*: America’s finest hour. Sadly, that isn’t saying much. The internationally recognised Most Evil Man Ever makes a bet with his friends about how many countries he can conquer before America declares war on him. He is on his twelfth when he gets so angry at America’s laziness that he decides to declare war on them in exasperation. The Americans discover that the Japanese are not actually bandy-legged inferior people who couldn’t see in the dark when they mount a surprise attack that knocks out most of the US military in the pacific. You do rather wonder what exactly the US navy thought the armada bearing down on one of their biggest naval bases was- a yacht club with a taste for military grey perhaps. The second world war was, for America, fought in two places. The first was the Pacific theatre, where America once again performed gloriously, managing to take less land off the Japanese than the Australians, before finding a way to win the war that only required a dozen or so people to leave their hammocks on tropical pacific islands. The war in Europe was characterised by American commanders trying to show cunning and guile, but giving up and borrowing the Russian tactic ‘if we outnumber you ten to one, we can afford to lose nine of them’. Thanks to this war Americans can tell any nationality in Europe that ‘If it wasn’t for us you’d all be speaking German’. Missing out on the fact that had the Germans won the war they would have said, rightly, that if it wasn’t for them you’d all be speaking English.

Korean War: Five years of peace occur before the second rule strikes, and America once again is off to fight. Several million Koreans under the command of a ruthless communist dictator attack several hundred thousand Koreans under the command of a regular old ruthless dictator, and needless to say, the USA feels obliged to fight for democracy in the area. On the flipping of a coin it is decided that the South Koreans are the more democratic, and need helping. Washington is horrified when it finds out that two squads of the Kentucky National Guard can’t actually hold off a million-man communist Blitzkrieg. They’re even more horrified when, having beaten the Koreans, the Chinese get involved and force the Americans to give up half the country. America decides that war’s really sad anyway and it’s only for losers and they weren’t really playing and China was cheating.

Vietnam war*: American post-war military history is a bit like that of someone in a corporate band called the Allies. First the group was working together, making some good singles and a chart-topping album called World War 2. Then the band started to have disagreements and fights, France goes off to have a solo career, and eventually everyone’s ‘following their heart’ and producing utter crap. The Vietnam war is the equivalent of the single that means the airhead singer will never work again. Having not fought a proper war for at least ten years, the Americans try to find a suitable dictatorial regime to prop up. Before you can say ‘My Lai’ American troops are swarming through the jungles, enjoying the warm hospitality of the natives. American troops are particularly keen to be polite, scrupulously obeying the ancient Vietnamese tradition for visitors- burning down the village and butchering the children of your host. American airmen promise to ‘bomb Vietnam back to the stone age’, then proceed to drop 2/3rd of their bombs on South Vietnam- the country they are notionally defending. At home American youths flee to Canada, on the grounds that they don’t want to fight in the jungles of South East Asia until the army figure out a way of killing people without leaving the air-conditioned bases. Eventually America decides that it’s all too much hard work, and that the South Vietnamese can be enslaved by communism after all. 50,000 Americans die in a guerilla war in the jungles of South East Asia- coincidentally the same number of troops required by the British to win a guerilla war in the jungles of South East Asia ten years earlier.

Grenada: Having lost to a nation whose idea of advanced weaponry was a bicycle with a sharp stick tied to the front, America decides to go back to basics for their next war. Fast approaching the constitutionally forbidden tenth year of peace, the US army selects its target- Grenada. As the world’s second largest nutmeg producer, it was only a matter of time before it joined with the godless communists and destroyed freedom as we know it. For a nation with a population one fifth the size of the US airforce the natives put up a strong fight. However soon America has made certain that the world is once again safe for democracy, apple pie and discount tourism. The world applauds America’s success much in the way a teacher at a school for ‘special’ students does when one of their charges manages to draw an upside down H at the age of fifteen.

Gulf War: America’s on a roll, having managed to defeat Panama after several years of protracted trench warfare. Now it’s time to start playing in the premier league, and the US decides to take on Iraq. Having secured UN support there are enough foreigners to do the military equivalent of holding a kid up when they use a bike without stabilisers for the first time. Even with widespread international help, the Iraqis know it’s still going to be nowhere near a fair fight unless they help the Americans out a lot, for example by taking the batteries out of their own tanks and push starting them in the morning. Even with this the US army has trouble getting their head around the whole idea. One American unit makes the mistake of confusing the Union Jack with the Iraqi flag, and ends up killing more British soldiers than the entire Iraqi military. Having managed to drive the enemy out of Kuwait, the Americans once again get bored, and put defeating Saddam Hussein on their ‘to do’ pile, promising to get it done after the barbeque next week.

The War Against Terror: Or, as American commanders originally referred to it, T.W.A.T. Finally America had found its calling- a war that involved plenty of cool explosions, the needless death of allies to moronic friendly-fire incidents, slaughter of generic dark-skinned natives, an Evil sounding enemy and, most importantly, no risk whatsoever for any Americans. Thanks to American bravery in handing suitcases of cash to Afghani warlords and bombing raids against dictionary suppliers, terror was completely destroyed, in another glorious victory for the USA.

So- who’s next?

If you hadn't guessed, the author is British.

[bigross86]

Wow, I thik this guy is still a bit depressed over '76

[TopHatter]

*sigh* I wish I could point out all the half-truths and outright falsities in that "History Of The US" but so much of it is true to one extent or another and it really needed saying, if only for fairness sake.

[ChrisF202]

Originally posted by bigross86
Wow, I thik this guy is still a bit depressed over '76

got that right

[bigross86]

And than a little ass-whupping in 1814. Especially the navies. Old Ironsides (USS Constitution) the oldest Commisioned ship in the world. She fought HMS GUERRIERE,

Aug. 19 1812 - The CONSTITUTION's historic fight with HMS GUERRIERE takes place some 600 miles east of Boston on the afternoon of August 19, 1812. After an hour of inconclusive maneuvering and shooting, the two settle down to a short-range slugfest. After 20 minutes the Briton's mizzenmast falls, and a short time later both her remaining masts go overboard. At some point in the battle, someone reportedly sees a British shot bounce off the CONSTITUTION's side, and shouts, "Huzzah! Her sides are made of iron!"-and so is born the nickname "OLD IRONSIDES." The Americans have 14 casualties; the British, 79. The GUERRIERE is so badly damaged she has to be sunk after the surviving crew are brought onboard the CONSTITUTION. In recognition of this spectacular victory-incredibly motivating to a nation that had seen many military defeats in the war to date-Congress awards Capt. Isaac Hull a special gold medal, his officers medals of silver, and the crew $50,000.

HMS JAVA

Dec. 29 1812- The CONSTITUTION is about 30 miles off the coast of Brazil on 29 December 1812 when, at about 2 in the afternoon, she begins a fight with the faster HMS JAVA. Commodore William Bainbridge, now in command of "Old Ironsides," is wounded twice, and the ship's steering wheel is shot away, but for more than 3 hours he maneuvers masterfully and fights tenaciously until, finally, the JAVA has no masts left standing and her captain lays dying. This time there are 34 American casualties as opposed to around 130 British. Like the GUERRIERE, the JAVA is too badly damaged to bring home - but before he sinks her, Bainbridge has her wheel removed to replace the one shot away on the CONSTITUTION.

British men-of-war CYANE and LEVANT

Feb. 20 1815- Capt. Charles Stewart has the CONSTITUTION about 180 miles from Madeira when he encounters the British men-of-war CYANE (34 guns) and LEVANT (21 guns). This two-against-one fight begins as the sun is setting. Through superb sail handling and tactics, Stewart swiftly closes on CYANE and deals her tremendous damage to her masts and rigging. Then he blasts the LEVANT hard enough to put her out of action for awhile, during which time he closes again on the CYANE and forces her surrender. After putting a prize crew in the CYANE, he turns his attention again to the LEVANT, chasing and firing into her until she also surrenders. Stewart has 18 killed and wounded; his two opponents have around 80 casualties. He hopes to bring both captures home, but runs into a British squadron that retakes the LEVANT. The CONSTITUTION and CYANE return safely to New York on May 15, 1815-Captain Stewart recently learning, at Puerto Rico, that the war has ended. The CYANE is purchased into the U.S. Navy and becomes the USS CYANE. For his victories, Stewart receives a gold medal from Congress, and the crew is awarded considerable prize money; "Old Ironsides" is the only ship to have all her War of 1812 captains decorated by Congress. Thus, the CONSTITUTION's wartime service ends-but she is widely recognized for having played a glorious part in our defense of freedom and our naval heritage.

USS Constitution, Old Ironsides website

[TopHatter]

The old Chief finally retired from the Navy and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his lifelong pet parrot.

First morning at 04:30, the parrot squawked and said, "Off yer hocks and don yer socks. Reveille"

The old chief told the parrot, "We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep."

The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. The old Chief told the parrot, "Look, if you keep this up, I will put you out in the chicken pen."

Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen. About 06:30, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter.

The parrot had about 40 white chickens in formation and on the ground lay 3 bruised and beaten brown ones. The parrot was saying, "By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean Khakis!

[TopHatter]

Now, understand that this is tongue-in-cheek, especially after that American History lesson from that British chap.

1871 - Bismarck founds modern Germany.

1890 - Bismarck sacked, warmonger Wilhelm II takes direct control.

1914 - Germany starts World War I.

1914-1918 - Germany kills millions upon millions of people.

1917 - Germany force peace loving Americans to enter war.

1918 - Germany loses World War I.

1920's - Germans try democracy.

1933 - Germans reject democracy, allow Hitler to take power.

1939 - Germany starts World War II.

1939-1945 - Germany kills millions upon millions of people.

1941 - Germany force peace loving Americans to enter war.

1945 - Germany loses World War II.

1946 - Germans whine about lack of food, America gives billions in food aid to feed them.

1947 - Germans whine about crappy economy, America gives billions in Marshall Plan aid to rebuild German economy.

1948-1949 - America puts ass on line and risks WWIII to save a few Berliners from Soviet hordes.

1949 - Federal Republic of Germany (West Germany) established.

1950's - America spends billions to defend West Germany from Soviet hordes.

1950's - German 'economic miracle' occurs while America keeps watch on Soviet hordes.

1955 - NATO formed to protect West Germany from Soviet hordes.

1960's - America spends billions to defend West Germany from Soviet hordes.

1960's - German students protest war in Vietnam and American civil rights.

1963 - American President John Kennedy makes "Ich bin ein Berliner" speech.

1970's - America spends billions to defend West Germany from Soviet hordes.

1970's - Germans form the Marxist terrorist group Red Army Faction (RAF).

1970's - Leftist German guerrillas burn, loot, and plunder much of West Germany.

1980's - America spends tens of billions to defend West Germany from Soviet hordes.

1980's - German leftists ***** about Pershing II missiles.

1987 - American President Ronald Reagan makes "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall" speech.

1989 - Gorbachev tears down Berlin Wall.

1990 - German Reunification.

1990's - America spends tens of billions to defend Germany from Islamic hordes.

1990's - Germany stands by as ethnic cleansing occurs in Balkans.

1993 - Germany joins European Union.

1995 - Americans send troops to Bosnia as Germans watch from the sidelines.

1997 - Germans finally send troops to Bosnia.

1998 - Hard-line, left-of-left socialist come to power under Gerhard Schroeder.

1999 - American's lead air war to save Kosovo as Germans watch from the sidelines.

2001 - Schroeder offers solidarity to America after 9/11 attacks.

2002 - Schroeder bashes America to distract voters during election campaign.

2003 - Germany sees rise in anti-Americanism after several decades of poor treatment from America.

AND YOU THOUGHT THE FRENCH WERE A BUNCH OF UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS?

[ChrisF202]

lol, it seems France and Germany have become more and more leftist since 1945

[bigross86]

Yeah, I guess they got tired of fighting each other and decided to gang up on the US

[Stinger]

1. How many men does it take to open a beer? None.
It should be opened by the time she brings it.

2. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.

3. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to
stand closer to the kitchen sink.

4. How do you know when a woman is about to say
something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me."

5. How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

6. Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the
required pressure.

7. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

8. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

9. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

10. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

11. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

12. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake.

13. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

14. Our last fight was my fault; My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

15. Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

16. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every
country, son."

17. A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds: Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

18. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

19. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

20. Why do brides wear white?
Men like their dishwasher to match the fridge and range.

[bigross86]

Ah. Male chauvanist jokes. Just check out This address. Amazingly enough, not one of those were copied and pasted from websites. Those were all from my private collection of jokes.

[Stinger]

1 . Build a man a fire he'll be warm for a day. Light a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

2. Some people are like Slinkies, not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday....lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to.

7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

15. You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

16. Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already know everything.

17. If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you.

18. You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over backwards but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

19. I'm not 50-something. I'm $49.95, plus shipping and handling.

20. Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

[Stinger]

A Sappers tale

A Sapper left his barracks one Friday afternoon. But instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend drinking with the boys and spending his entire weeks pay! When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife who went berserk at him for nearly two hours with a tirade of his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied: "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.