Jokes

[Captain C]

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. They picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."

God listened patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's have a man making contest." To which the man replied, "OK, great!"

But God added, "Now we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"

Clp

[bigross86]

A foreign reporter asks the IDF if he can join them on a mission. The HQ says no, but he can join them on a training mission. When asked what he wanted to tag along on, he said a paratrooper mission. The day comes, and he sits in on the briefing. After the briefing he gets a personal brief on emergency procedures. The Lt. says "If the main chute doesn't open, hit the reserve, if the reserve doesn't open, pray" The reporter is shocked "What do you mean pray?!?!?!" The Lt. says "Hey, it works for us" The reporter goes up, and what do you know, both his chutes fail. So he starts praying. Amazingly, this massive hand comes down from the sky and catches him, gently letting him down on the ground. The reporter looks at the giant hand and mutters to himself "Jesus Christ!" The hand than proceeded to crush him.

[Stinger]

Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an
orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence,
both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was
slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake
and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a
bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt
you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going.
In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the
same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never
knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for
you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake
slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with
soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you
have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over
with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're
smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and
no balls. I'd say you must be French".

Courtesy of Boomer from WT.

[bigross86]

That is one the most versatile jokes out there. The snake can be anything from Lawyer, to Politician, to French, even heard the snake being called a woman once. (Speaking of which, are there any women members on the forum?)

[ChrisF202]

Originally Posted by bigross86

That is one the most versatile jokes out there. The snake can be anything from Lawyer, to Politician, to French, even heard the snake being called a woman once. (Speaking of which, are there any women members on the forum?)

I dont think we have any female members .... not sure

[bigross86]

Well, what are you just standing there for?!?!?! Go and get some!!!

[Stinger]

Never Trust a Sailor
A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit every night, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[bigross86]

LOLOL!!!! I like that dude! He's got the right idea. :G :Dbanana Clp :D :twisted: :p

[Stinger]

God Tests Navy Seals Intellegence
One day a squad of Navy Seals was making for an objective in their rubber boat. With each stroke of the paddle, they whispered that particularly unique Seal grunt - ooyah. Ooyah ... ooyah ... ooyah. God looked down from above and was beside himself with pride knowing that He could not have done any better than when He made HIS Seals.

Thinking to Himself, God decided to test precisely just how good His Seals were in fact. God raised His arms and "ZAP", took away 1/2 of all the Seals brains in the dingy. There they were, seven Seals in a dingy, still making for their objective - ooyah, ooyah, ooyah.

With glee God rub his hands, then raised his arms again and "ZAP", He took away 1/2 of the Seals remaining brains. The Seals in their rubber dingy, making for their objective now had only 1/4 of their original brains. Still, determined, they stroked on - ooyah, ooyah, ooyah.

God was nearly hysterical with joy over knowing that His creation could still function as a viable, forward deployed, tactical fighting force with very nearly all of their brains removed. Dare I, thought God? Shall I? YES! And God raised his arms and in an instant, "ZAP"! God took away all of the seals remaining brains.

And there they were, a seven man forward deployed, tactical fighting force, in a rubber dingy, with no brains, making for their objective - singing - "From the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli, We fight our countries battles..."

[Ironduke]

Originally Posted by ChrisF202

I dont think we have any female members .... not sure

Julie..... I think Gio knows her or something. She's posted once.

[bigross86]

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful
young woman was waiting for the bus.
Dressed up for work, she was wearing a very tight mini skirt.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn
to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was
too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step.
So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the
bus driver she reached behind her and
unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give
her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover
she still could not make the step.
So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached
behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.
And for a second time she attempted the step and once again,
much to her disgust she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending
skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up
easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him
''How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!! ''
At this the Texan drawled, ''Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.''
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames.

The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed entirely of menchen over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine operated by this Jewish Fire Department passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant.....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside the other firemen watched as the Jewish old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Jewish old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Jewish fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Well," said Ami Hertzfeld, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we are going to do is fix the brakes on that stinking truck!"

[Stinger]

And now for something completly different
One day, while speeding in his car on munitions bridge at Langley AFB, Virginia, a doctor was speed gunned by the Local Air Policeman and stopped for a big ticket writing party. The young AP noticed that the man he stopped was a doctor, and being curious, asked the doctor what he did at the base hospital, to pass the time while he wrote the ticket.

The doctor replied that he worked mostly in the flight medicine center, although every now and then was called apon to perform his former specialty in civilian life. The AP, now curious, asked him what his specialty was. the Doctor replied that he was in charge of loosening the anus's of people that required it. "First I would insert one finger' the doctor said. Then the other finger on the other hand. After i got both hands in, id carefully stretch the rectum in both directions until its was about six feet long".

'Six feet ? The young AP said. What do you do with a ass hole thats six feet long? he asked.

'Well, you give him a radar gun and put him in the middle of a bridge" the doctor replied.

Ticket cost to the doctor: 180 dollars

[Stinger]

A Short Summary of France's Military History
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlboro, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and pissing their pants on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimos.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

[bigross86]

Yeah, that seems like an accurate breakdown of all of France's wars.

[Ironduke]

I don't mean to rain on everybody's parade, but what about the Battle of Tours and 1066?