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The 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the US Army

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  • The 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the US Army

    I don't know if you guys have seen this website or not but I figured I'd post it anyway. Apparently it's about some Specialist in the US Army nicknamed "Skippy" and all the things he is not allowed to do anymore. It looks like it's from a couple of years ago. I've listed some of my favorites.


    My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'.

    Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.

    May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right.

    The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'

    Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

    Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

    Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.

    I am not allowed to 'Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddies little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies'.

    The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.

    The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."

    I may not call block my chain of command.

    If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

    Nerve gas is not funny.

    The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not ‘Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.'

    ‘I’m drunk’ is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander

    'A full magazine and some privacy' is not the way to help a potential suicide

    Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.

    Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")

    Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.

    Must not make s'mores while on guard duty

    Not allowed to 'defect' to OPFOR during training missions.

    On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.

    Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.


    The complete list can be found at The 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the US Army

    OK, I'll admit, all 213 of them are my favorites and I know I posted too many here. Sue me :dbanana
    “He was the most prodigious personification of all human inferiorities. He was an utterly incapable, unadapted, irresponsible, psychopathic personality, full of empty, infantile fantasies, but cursed with the keen intuition of a rat or a guttersnipe. He represented the shadow, the inferior part of everybody’s personality, in an overwhelming degree, and this was another reason why they fell for him.”

  • #2
    Whenever I see this I laugh for like 15 minutes nonstop :)

    Comment


    • #3
      LOL! I like this dude. Gives me something to look forward to...
      Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

      Abusing Yellow is meant to be a labor of love, not something you sell to the highest bidder.

      Comment


      • #4
        Big Ross,

        You are the funniest man any side of the Suez.


        "Some have learnt many Tricks of sly Evasion, Instead of Truth they use Equivocation, And eke it out with mental Reservation, Which is to good Men an Abomination."

        I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.

        HAKUNA MATATA

        Comment


        • #5
          Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

          The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.

          May not pretend to be a facist stormtrooper, while on duty.

          Woad is not camouflage makeup.

          I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.

          I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.

          I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.

          Shouting ‘Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole fucking village!’ while out on a mission is bad.

          We do not 'charge into battle, naked, like the Celts'.

          When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something 'I saw in a cartoon'.

          I am not the Emperor of anything.

          Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")

          :LOL
          "Every man has his weakness. Mine was always just cigarettes."

          Comment


          • #6
            Someone should post the murphy's laws of combat.

            Equally hilarious list.

            Good stuff TH!

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Ray
              Big Ross,

              You are the funniest man any side of the Suez.
              lol, that in itself is funny

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: The 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the US Army

                Originally posted by TopHatter
                Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.
                So much for that Idea. How about a bruise on my arm?

                "Oh, those are just from training. But this one...I'll be sad when it vanishes.". :)

                Comment


                • #9
                  Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over).

                  I am not authorized to fire officers.

                  The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.

                  If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

                  Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.

                  Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.

                  Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".

                  I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.

                  The Microsoft ® ‘Dancing Paperclip’ is not authorized to countermand any orders.

                  Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it. (Spec Ops do say Tobasco makes anything taste better. Why not a huge moth?)

                  Not allowed to lead a 'Coup' during training missions.

                  'To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.

                  :LOL

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Must not taunt the French anymore.

                    (* Okay, who the HELL told him that one?!? I thought that was now a course taught during basic... *)

                    Must not ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.

                    Never tell a German soldier that 'We kicked your ass in World War 2!'

                    Not allowed to wake an NCO by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.

                    --------------------------------------------------------------------

                    The best part about all these is at the bottom... says something to the effect that each of these things actually occured, either to Skippy or someone he heard about.
                    I never understood "fire for effect". I thought the firing WAS the effect...

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Stinger, here's one for you:

                      'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a motivational phrase.

                      (* Awww, are they sure about that one? *) :devil
                      I never understood "fire for effect". I thought the firing WAS the effect...

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        OH, HOLY CRAP!!! (Okay, this is the last one I'll post...)

                        Where's tw-acs anymore? This is one for him:

                        I may not line my helmet with tin foil to ‘Block out the space mind control lasers'.

                        LMFAO!!!!
                        I never understood "fire for effect". I thought the firing WAS the effect...

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Napalm sticks to kids was my favorite cadence for morning PT. :)

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                          • #14
                            Sniper, Stinger and others,

                            Why are you so aganist officers?

                            In our Army, officer have to kead from the Front. That is why there is such a high propoertion of officers dead/ wpunded than enlisted men and JCOs [that a rank thats in between which is singular to our and Pak army].

                            Don't your officers lead from the front?

                            When I was commanding a battalion in combat even when I was a Colonel, I was there up front and kicked guys who were being a trifle scared.


                            "Some have learnt many Tricks of sly Evasion, Instead of Truth they use Equivocation, And eke it out with mental Reservation, Which is to good Men an Abomination."

                            I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.

                            HAKUNA MATATA

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Ray,

                              Its not that we're (or me at least) against officers, there are many many good ones out there... but the good ones aren't funny. So we make fun of the bad ones....
                              Your look more lost than a bastard child on fathers day.

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