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  • As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.
    He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

    As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
    There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
    I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
    I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

    And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

    When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
    Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

    As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
    "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
    In the realm of spirit, seek clarity; in the material world, seek utility.

    Leibniz

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    • My ex bought a sheepskin burka for the cold weather


      She looks like mutton dressed as Islam

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      • Henry Winkler is a passenger on a plane and the flight attendant asks him, "Would you like some headphones?"
        He replies, "Yes, that would be very nice, but it's pronounced 'Fonz'."....

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        • So at Minsk 2 talks, after all the wrangling is done Putin is chatting Merkel.

          She mentions Russia hosting the World Cup in the future (the year escapes me at present) and asks "Where will you host the final?"

          Putin replies; "I haven't decided yet... we are planning on holding it in Leipzig".

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          • Irony gag .

            The Middle East crisis explained simply.
            We support the Iraqi government in the fight against Islamic State.
            We don't like IS but it is supported by Saudi Arabia whom we do like.
            We don't like President Assad in Syria and we support the fight against him, but not IS which is also fighting against him.
            We don't like Iran but Iran supports the Iraqi government against IS.
            So........... Some of our friends support our enemies and some of our enemies are our friends. Some of our enemies are fighting against our other enemies whom we want to lose, but we don't want our enemies who are fighting our enemies to win.
            If those we want to defeat are defeated, they could be replaced by those we like even less. And..... all this was started by us invading a country to drive out terrorists who weren't actually there until we went in to drive them out.

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            • LOL! good one!

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              • I went to Dubai recently on holiday and I was offered 20 Camels in exchange for my wife.




                I don't actually smoke but I thought sod it, best offer I'm likely to get!!

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                • Originally posted by tankie View Post
                  I went to Dubai recently on holiday and I was offered 20 Camels in exchange for my wife.




                  I don't actually smoke but I thought sod it, best offer I'm likely to get!!
                  tankie, you are incorrigible!
                  "There is never enough time to do or say all the things that we would wish. The thing is to try to do as much as you can in the time that you have. Remember Scrooge, time is short, and suddenly, you're not there any more." -Ghost of Christmas Present, Scrooge

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                  • Heheh

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                    • Husband to wife – Today is a fine day. Next day he says : Today is a fine day. Again next day, he says same thing – Today is a fine day. Finally after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband – since last one week, you are saying this “Today is a fine day’. I am fed up. What’s the matter?
                      Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said, “I will leave you one fine day.” I was just trying to remind you……

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                      • Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
                        Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
                        Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
                        Why do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage.
                        Why do we buy hamburgers in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..
                        EVER WONDER ...
                        Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
                        Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
                        Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
                        Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
                        Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
                        Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
                        Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
                        Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
                        Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
                        Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
                        Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
                        You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
                        Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
                        Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
                        If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

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                        • Every former and active US military will get this

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                          • Was at Starbucks yesterday and the salvation army was playing outside and the man who was playing the triangle suddenly collapsed so my wife screams quick go help, you know what to do in these situations so i went over

                            and i must admit i haven't played the triangle before i was rather good if i do say so myself



                            I got home pissed at 3am this morning and found my wife had changed the locks.
                            As I stumbled away I noticed the bitch had also changed the street we live on.
                            Last edited by tankie; 11 Sep 15,, 20:54.

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                            • A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..
                              When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
                              The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
                              She insisted on speaking to the Manager.
                              The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have."
                              He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.
                              "We have the best entertainers from all over the world performing here."
                              "But I didn't go to any of those shows.." She Pleaded.
                              "Well, we have them, and you could have." was the reply.
                              No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied,
                              "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his
                              standard response.
                              After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.
                              The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
                              "But Madam, this check is for only $50.00" "That's correct" she replied "I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."
                              "But I didn't sleep with you madam!" said the manager



                              "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."!!

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                              • Don't mess with elderly. They've seen it all heard it all.
                                No such thing as a good tax - Churchill

                                To make mistakes is human. To blame someone else for your mistake, is strategic.

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