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Thread: Post Your jokes here

  1. #61
    Banned SnowLeopard's Avatar
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    An electrical engineer, chemical engineer, mechanical engineer, and a computer engineer are carpooling together. Suddenly the car stops. The electrical engineer says,

    "I bet it is the electrical system. We should open up the hood, check the battery and alternator, pull the distributor off, check the wiring, and clean all the plugs. That should get the car going."

    The chemical engineer replied, "It sounded to me as bad fuel. We should empty the tank, flush the system, get new fuel, and that should get us on the way."

    "You're both wrong," said the mechanical engineer. "I heard the cylinders being out of balance. We should pull the engine, ensure that they are all of the proper size, that the seals are intact, and that the crankshaft is properally connected. Then we can get to work."

    The computer engineer hadn't said a thing. The others looked at him. "Well," he said slowly, "I suppose we could all get out and get back in."

  2. #62
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    Quote Originally Posted by speedlover1994 View Post
    I like it, but it seems like too long of a set-up for not much payload.
    OUCH.........

    hope this suits you better sir?

    Top 10 Reasons E-mail Is Like a Penis
    • Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
    • Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
    • Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
    • Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).
    • It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
    • In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
    • If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.
    • If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
    • We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
    • If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

  3. #63
    Patron LongshotSNN's Avatar
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    Economic Models explained with cows

    SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour

    COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some
    milk.

    FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

    NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

    BUREAUCRACY : You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away...

    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

    SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

    ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank,then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows is transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new President of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

    THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them.

    A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

    A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

    A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

    A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

    A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity,
    and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

    AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

    A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

    IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

    AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate

    WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive

    ---------------------------
    The Rancher's Wife

    A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

    Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

    For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town an kick up your heels."

    The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

    She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

    "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

    "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

    "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

    "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

    "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.









    Then she looked at him and said. . .

    "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
    Last edited by LongshotSNN; 27 Feb 07, at 16:37.

  4. #64
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    LOL- I like both of them Execrable and Longshot. And I meant no offense, sorry if any was implied, and no need to call me sir.
    "you have enemies, good. That means you stood up for something, sometime in your life"

  5. #65
    Resident Curmudgeon Military Professional Gun Grape's Avatar
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    Aircraft jokes

    A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
    Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
    Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
    Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
    Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"



    There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."



    The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. The following exchange took place between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

    Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

    Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

    The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

    Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

    Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

    Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?

    "Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."
    Its called Tourist Season. So why can't we shoot them?

  6. #66
    Idiot Mode [ON] OFF Senior Contributor YellowFever's Avatar
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    Q: Why does Michael Jackson like Wal-Mart so much?

    A: Boys pants are half off.

  7. #67
    Official Thread Jacker Senior Contributor gunnut's Avatar
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    A USN missile destroyer spotted a contact on radar. According to maritime code, the other ship needs to give way.

    Destroyer: unknown ship, please turn 30 degrees port side

    unknown ship: ...

    Destroyer: unknown ship, I repeat, please turn 30 degrees port side to avoid a collision

    unknown ship: you need to turn 30 degrees to your starboard side

    Destroyer: this is a USN destroyer

    unknown ship: this is the lighthouse
    "Only Nixon can go to China." -- Old Vulcan proverb.

  8. #68
    Senior Contributor GVChamp's Avatar
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    One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of fence.
    The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design.
    The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed "We can assume the length is infinite..." and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it.
    The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said "I declare myself to be on the outside."






    The physicist and the engineer are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. They yell out for help: "Helllloooooo! Where are we?"
    15 minutes later, they hear an echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're in a hot-air balloon!!"
    The physicist says, "That must have been a mathematician."
    The engineer asks, "Why do you say that?"
    The physicist replied: "The answer was absolutely correct, and it was utterly useless."
    "The great questions of the day will not be settled by means of speeches and majority decisions but by iron and blood"-Otto Von Bismarck

  9. #69
    Idiot Mode [ON] OFF Senior Contributor YellowFever's Avatar
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    A man that hardly speaks english was walking down a street and a hooker comes up to him and says, "Hey, lover, 50 bucks for a bl*wjob."
    The man doesn't know what the term means and asks the hooker.
    The hooker ,shakes her head, laughs, and walks away.

    Not ten minutes later, he meets another hooker that says "Hey, lover, 50 bucks for a bl*wjob."

    What the hell is a bl*wjob?" He asks again.

    The hooker shakes her head in amusement also and laughs and walks away.

    The man is clearly pissed.

    He walks ten more minutes and sees a Nun walking towards him.

    "Sister, sister," the man asks in exasperation, "What's a bl*wjob???"

    "50 bucks, lover." the Nun replies.

  10. #70
    Senior Contributor Versus's Avatar
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    funny pics

    there will be more soon...

  11. #71
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    The 40 things that change after your 40th Birthday

    1. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep

    2. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

    4. Your fantasies of having sex with three women with lesbian tendencies are replaced by fantasies of having sex with anyone at all.

    5. You know all of the people sleeping in your house.

    7. Informative TV does not include Richard and Judy.

    8. You carry an umbrella.

    9. Three-day benders are no longer realistic.

    10. The heating works in your house.

    11. You pay the government thousands of pounds every year.

    12. You go from 130 days of holidays to 20.

    13. Jeans and a jumper no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.

    14. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

    15. You get out of bed in the morning even if it's raining.

    16. Washing up is not a monthly ritual.

    17. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

    18. You don't know what time the kebab shop closes anymore.

    19. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

    20. You don't get ideas for drinks from local tramps.

    21. You don't put half-finished curries in the fridge to eat later.

    22. You don't spend half your day strategically planning pub crawls.

    23. You "hate scrounging students".

    24. You no longer have a strange attraction to road signs when drunk.

    24. Sleeping in the lounge is a no-no.

    25. You can't persuade your flatmates to 'Drink till dawn'.

    26. You don't spend Wednesday afternoons in the pub.

    27. You always know where you are when you wake up.

    28.. A fire in the kitchen is not a laugh.

    29. You go to the chemist for Panadol and antacids, not Condoms and pregnancy test kits.

    30. A £3 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.

    31. You can remember the name of the person you wake up next to.

    32. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

    33. You don't have mice living in your kitchen.

    34. Grocery lists are longer than pot noodles & cans of lager.

    35.. Breaking the law means doing 40 in a 30 zone.

    36. 'I just can't drink the way I used to' replaces 'I'm never going to drink that much again'.

    37. Over 70% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

    39. You don't experiment with banned substances.

    40. You don’t find a "dump" left in the toilet hysterically funny anymore.

  12. #72
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    Quote Originally Posted by speedlover1994 View Post
    LOL- I like both of them Execrable and Longshot. And I meant no offense, sorry if any was implied, and no need to call me sir.
    No offense taken. I was just being casual.

  13. #73
    Patron standoh's Avatar
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    TAIL GUNNER! BUD TRUCK!



    The greatest instrument of moral good is the imagination.

  14. #74
    Señor Contributor Senior Contributor BD1's Avatar
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    Airline ´´X´´ first flight to new destination. All going well , until in captain and copilot see the landing strip first time . ´´Oh this is not good at all.... Thast must be the shortest runway ever!´´ says captain, co-pilot agrees with him: ´´ this one is really short!´´. Still they decide to land. Plane struggles to slow down, crew performes a true miracle and the plane stops about 1ft. before the end of landing strip. For a moment the cocpit is silent, then captain says : ´´ Again , this the shortest runway EVER!´´ . Copilot looks out of window and says : ´´Short indeed , but just look how wide it is...´´
    If i only was so smart yesterday as my wife is today

    Minding your own biz is great virtue, but situation awareness saves lives - Dok

  15. #75
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    LOL Braindead, and who has a better name to tell that joke than you? Talk about braindead
    "you have enemies, good. That means you stood up for something, sometime in your life"

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