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Thread: Post Your jokes here

  1. #31
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    LOL Standoh

    There's nothing like a funny story/joke
    "you have enemies, good. That means you stood up for something, sometime in your life"

  2. #32
    Military Professional Callmecur's Avatar
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    Q - Why should you never eat a Lebanese curry?
    A - It gives you the Shi'ites.

  3. #33
    Official Thread Jacker Senior Contributor gunnut's Avatar
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    Dog's Diary entries:


    8:00am -- Dog food! My favorite thing!

    9:30am -- A car ride! My favorite thing!

    9:40am -- A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

    10:30am -- Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

    12:00pm -- Lunch! My favorite thing!

    1:00pm -- Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

    3:00pm -- Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

    5:00pm -- Milk bones! My favorite thing!

    7:00pm -- Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

    8:00pm -- Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing!

    11:00 pm -- Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


    Cat's Diary entries:

    Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

    Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.

    However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released --and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe....... for now....
    "Only Nixon can go to China." -- Old Vulcan proverb.

  4. #34
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    A husband and wife were having dinner and sharing a bottle of wine, when the husband said,

    "Darling tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

    The wife replies,

    "Your d*ck's bigger than your brother's."

  5. #35
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    my niece told me this one...

    why do gulls fly over the sea and not the bay?
    Because then they would be "bay gulls" and not sea gulls

  6. #36
    Resident Curmudgeon Military Professional Gun Grape's Avatar
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    Forward This To Everyone You Know!

    This is so over the top that I couldn't stop laughing. Who ever wrote this must have read all those stupid E-mails.

    I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. Don't cry, Mommy! Mommy is always sad, but she says it's not my fault. I asked her if it was God's fault, but she didn't answer, and only started crying harder, so I don't ask her that anymore. The reason she is so sad is that I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I go to sleep.

    The doctors gave me an artificial body. My body is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us havin' no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said employers don't hire crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap body. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap, and it chafes her real bad.

    I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this e-mail. Dr. Johansen said if you foward this e-mail to NASA the astronauts will collect prayers from school children all over America and take them up to space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me better then.

    Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Or maybe just use my lungs and heart, when the doctors make them. The doctors said that every time you foward this letter, the astronauts can take another prayer to the angels. Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10.

    If you don't foward this e-mail, that's OK. Mommy says you're a mean heartless person who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that she hopes that you stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach. What kind of wretched person are you that you can't take five lousy minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame for the rest of their day, and then maybe help a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy?

    Please help me. This really sucks. I try to be happy but it's hard. I wish I had a puppy. I wish I could hold a puppy.

    Thank You.

    Billy 'Smiles' Evans,

    The boy with just a head. And a burlap sack for a body.

    PS: I just got an email from Walt Disney Jr. He said that Mommy and I can get a trip to Disneyland if enough people forward this email. Please help me.
    Its called Tourist Season. So why can't we shoot them?

  7. #37
    Patron standoh's Avatar
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    Wife to husband on valentines day morning,"Honey, last night I dreamt(this a real word I wonder) that I received a 24 carat diamond ring from you.Know what this dream means?"

    The husband replied, "Rest assured you will understand the dream's meaning tonight!".

    When he returned later in the evening, he had a wonderfully wrapped gift package. The wife, on opening the package found a book titled "Understanding your dreams".
    The greatest instrument of moral good is the imagination.

  8. #38
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    Gunnut- So true! I was playing Basketball in my driveway so I let my dog out. I take a shot, it bounces off the backboard and hits her on the head, and she starts wagging her tail. I'm definately a dog over cat person.

    three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

    So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

    "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

    The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

    "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

    Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

    The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

    "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."
    "you have enemies, good. That means you stood up for something, sometime in your life"

  9. #39
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    If you'll excuse an execrable joke..

    How to choose a wife...

    A man is dating three women and wants to pick one to marry.
    He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a
    present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

    The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty
    salon, gets her hair done, new make up, and buys several new
    outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him
    that she has done this to be more attractive for him because
    she loves him so much.

    The man was impressed.


    The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets
    him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his
    computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents
    these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money
    on him because she loves him so much.

    Again, the man is impressed.


    The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns
    several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5000
    and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells
    him that she wants to save for their future because she
    loves him so much.

    Obviously, the man was impressed.


    The man thought for a long time about what each woman
    had done with the money he'd given her.....
    Then he married the one with the biggest *****.

    Men are like that, you know.....

  10. #40
    Military Professional sappersgt's Avatar
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    Finishing last...

    Two backpackers are being chased by a bear. Almost at the point of exhaustion one gasps to the other, "We might as well just lay down and get eaten, we can't out run this bear!". The other backpacker exclaims, "I don't have to out run the bear, I just have to out run you!".
    Reddite igitur quae sunt Caesaris Caesari et quae sunt Dei Deo
    (Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's and unto God the things which are God's)

  11. #41
    Official Thread Jacker Senior Contributor gunnut's Avatar
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    Dog's Diary entries:


    8:00am -- Dog food! My favorite thing!

    9:30am -- A car ride! My favorite thing!

    9:40am -- A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

    10:30am -- Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

    12:00pm -- Lunch! My favorite thing!

    1:00pm -- Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

    3:00pm -- Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

    5:00pm -- Milk bones! My favorite thing!

    7:00pm -- Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

    8:00pm -- Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing!

    11:00 pm -- Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


    Cat's Diary entries:

    Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

    Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.

    However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released --and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe....... for now....
    "Only Nixon can go to China." -- Old Vulcan proverb.

  12. #42
    Defense Professional RustyBattleship's Avatar
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    A photographer for CNN was assigned to cover southern California's Wildfires last year. He wanted pictures of the heroic work the Firefighters were doing as they battled the blazes.

    When the photographer arrived on the scene, he realized that the smoke was so thick it would seriously impede, or even make impossible, his getting good photographs from the ground level. He requested permission from his boss to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and he used his cell phone to call the local County airport to charter a flight. He was told a single engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

    Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go".

    The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared down the runway. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures of the fires on the hillsides."

    "Why?" asked the pilot.

    "Because I'm a photographer for CNN," he responded. "And I need to get some close-up shots."

    The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is you're NOT my flight instructor???"
    Able to leap tall tales in a single groan.

  13. #43
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  14. #44
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    Pick-up line for an environmental scientist:
    "baby you're so hot,you are the actual reason for global warming!"


    What two things in the air could make a girl pregnant?






    Her feet!

  15. #45
    Senior Contributor GVChamp's Avatar
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    A Frenchman, Englishman, beautfiul redhead, and a fat woman step into a train car together.

    The train travels along, and eventually reaches a long tunnel. For several seconds, all is dark, and a loud slap is heard. When the train reaches light again, everyone looks around and sees a bright red mark on the Frenchman's face.

    The beautiful redhead thought to herself, "That poor man must've been trying to grab me. He grabbed the fat woman instead, and she slapped him. My that must've hurt."

    The fat woman thought to herself, "that sick man must've grabbed the redhead and she slapped him! He's lucky she didn't do worse."

    The Frenchman thought to himself "That horrible Englishman must've grabbed that beautiful woman, and she slapped ME by mistake. I'll give him a good thrashing I will..."

    The Englishman thought to himself "I hope there's another tunnel coming up so I can slap that French ***** again"
    "The great questions of the day will not be settled by means of speeches and majority decisions but by iron and blood"-Otto Von Bismarck

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