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Thread: Post Your jokes here

  1. #4186
    Turbanator Senior Contributor Double Edge's Avatar
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  2. #4187
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    Pahlaj Nihalani sacked as CBFC chief, to be succeeded by Prasoon Joshi

    That asshole is gone. Yep, he is a joke. ;-)

  3. #4188
    Turbanator Senior Contributor Double Edge's Avatar
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    It's all coming true



    Best enjoy these two whilst they're still around

  4. #4189
    Senior Contributor Toby's Avatar
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    Name:  Cartoon.jpg
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  5. #4190
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

    "You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

    The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  6. #4191
    Senior Contributor Toby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tankie View Post
    A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

    "You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

    The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!
    Well Had lad! lol

  7. #4192
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    I'll never forget what my Grandfather said just before he popped his clogs.

    "I wonder what'll happen if I stick a pin in my inflatable Dutch footwear?"


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  8. #4193
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    I asked the man in my local hardware store for a bottle of methylated spirits. He refused to sell it to me, saying that he'd heard I'm an alcoholic and would only drink it. I assured him that it was for cleaning my paintbrushes. So he grabbed a bottle from the shelf and handed it to me. I exclaimed

    "Have you not got a cold one?" ��������


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  9. #4194
    Senior Contributor DOR's Avatar
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    How to be funny in Scotland:

    1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

    2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

    3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

    4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

    5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

    6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

    7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

    8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

    9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

    10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

    11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

    12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

    13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

    14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

    15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine
    Trust me?
    I'm an economist!

  10. #4195
    Senior Contributor Toby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DOR View Post

    2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle
    Hitler didn't write a book, he dictated it in Landsberg prison .....I think it was Rudolf Hess who wrote it...

  11. #4196
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    My Grandad was a WWII veteran. In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing 32 Nazi aviators.

    Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  12. #4197
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    General Amalgamated Industries, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here."
    He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
    From across the room a voice said,
    "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
    Last edited by tankie; 25 Aug 17, at 14:37.


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  13. #4198
    Turbanator Senior Contributor Double Edge's Avatar
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  14. #4199
    Turbanator Senior Contributor Double Edge's Avatar
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    Whether things could be better this way

    Last edited by Double Edge; 30 Aug 17, at 20:37.

  15. #4200
    Senior Contributor Toby's Avatar
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    lol

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