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Thread: Post Your jokes here

  1. #4171
    Senior Contributor Toby's Avatar
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  2. #4172
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    An Army Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

    While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

    He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

    A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favour of work.

    A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

    A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

    There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?

    Without any hesitation, the young Private responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

    The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

    "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

    The room fell silent.

    ��


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  3. #4173
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    A friend of mine had invested substantial sums in rare perfumes. He recently sold most of them and invested in French impressionist art. He now has more Monet than scents.


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  4. #4174
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    Bride recoils after groom's nagin dance, storms out

    Lol, hahaha. Can you guys believe this shit.

    This is what a nagin (female cobra) dance is:


    Another one, enjoy.
    Last edited by Oracle; 30 Jun 17, at 04:08.

  5. #4175
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
    I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
    An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk...
    The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
    "There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
    The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
    "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
    The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
    The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone!"
    The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
    The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
    "There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
    The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
    "I can't piss out of it!" he replied.
    The waiting room erupted in laughter.����


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  6. #4176
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    How true
    David Beckham gets into a taxi and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear view mirror. After about 5 minutes the driver says "OK give me a clue" Beckham says "I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in America and got over £200 million in the bank and a 100 caps for England, is that a clue ?"
    Driver replies "No you thick tw*t, where do you want to go


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  7. #4177
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    Bumped into an old school friend today. He started talking about his well paid job, & his expensive sports car, then he pulled out a photo of his wife & said, "She's beautiful isn't she?"
    I said "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife!"
    He said,

    "Why is she a stunner?"


    I said "No, she's an optician!"


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  8. #4178
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines 2 years ago, you would have £49.00 today.

    If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG insurance company 2 years ago, you would have £33.00 today.

    If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers 6 years ago, you would have nothing today.

    If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock 5 years ago, you would have nothing today

    But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago at Tesco's, drunk all the beer, then taken the aluminum cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received £214.00.

    Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

    A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.

    Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

    That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!

    Makes you proud to be British!


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  9. #4179
    Senior Contributor Toby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tankie View Post
    If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines 2 years ago, you would have £49.00 today.

    If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG insurance company 2 years ago, you would have £33.00 today.

    If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers 6 years ago, you would have nothing today.

    If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock 5 years ago, you would have nothing today

    But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago at Tesco's, drunk all the beer, then taken the aluminum cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received £214.00.

    Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

    A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.

    Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

    That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!

    Makes you proud to be British!
    lol

  10. #4180
    Global Moderator Defense Professional JAD_333's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tankie View Post
    If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines 2 years ago, you would have £49.00 today.

    If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG insurance company 2 years ago, you would have £33.00 today.

    If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers 6 years ago, you would have nothing today.

    If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock 5 years ago, you would have nothing today

    But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago at Tesco's, drunk all the beer, then taken the aluminum cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received £214.00.

    Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

    A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.

    Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

    That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!

    Makes you proud to be British!
    I see a career as an investment advisor in your future.
    To be Truly ignorant, Man requires an Education - Plato

  11. #4181
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow in
    Dublin.
    “Ooh”, said the presenter enthusiastically, “This is a
    very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers
    taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last
    century.
    Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in
    good condition?”
    “Sticks,” said Paddy!��


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  12. #4182
    Turbanator Senior Contributor Double Edge's Avatar
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  13. #4183
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    I lost the pub quiz contest last night by one point. The last question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?"
    Apparently the correct answer is, Fiji.


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  14. #4184
    Senior Contributor Versus's Avatar
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    IQ dipping...
    Attached Images Attached Images  

  15. #4185
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse.
    The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good," and walked away.
    The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse.
    The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good."
    On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take no for an answer. The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.
    The rich man's daughter loved her present. She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree.
    The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.
    The poor man replied, "I told you... it don't look so good."


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

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