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Thread: Post Your jokes here

  1. #4156
    Senior Contributor Andrey Egorov's Avatar
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    A guy named Yuri got on a train Moscow-Vorkuta.
    He asks trainman to deliver four glasses of tea to his compartment number 5 which is already occupied by three other guys half an hour later. Then he walks in, presents himself and is warmly welcomed. The company continues to tell political jokes. About half an hour later he leans to wall socket and utters "Comrade major, four teas into the fifth please". Almost immediately the doors slams open, a squad of KGB gunmen walks in, arrests those three passengers and drag them out.
    "What's happening?!"
    "Don't worry, comrade major liked your joke. A lot!"
    We're so bad, we're even bad at it

  2. #4157
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    Just got the internet today and it has turned my life around in 2 hours.
    Firstly I won an iPhone for being the 10,000th visitor to a site. Then I won a free Green Card to America. Found out that there are hundreds of horny women that are mad for sex in my area, found out a new way of growing my dick four extra inches, have a sexy Russian teenager on a plane over here and to top it all off I won 3 million in the Jamaican lottery.
    Must be beginners luck.


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  3. #4158
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    Explanation: It’s sarcasm. They never set out on that journey leave alone reaching there. They are bluffing.

  4. #4159
    Senior Contributor DOR's Avatar
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    Nessie

    I shot this today on Loch Ness, using a thermal imaging setting.
    Right in the middle, two Nessies cruising along.
    Proof positive.
    Attached Images Attached Images  

  5. #4160
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    Quote Originally Posted by tim52 View Post
    A man was walking along a California beach and was in deep prayer. He said, "Lord, you have promised to give me the desires of my heart. That's what I am asking you for right now. Please give me a confirmation that you will grant my wish."

    Suddenly the sky clouded up over his head and the Lord in a booming voice spoke to him. "I have searched your heart and determined it to be pure. The last time I issued a blank wish request it was to Solomon. He didn't disappoint me with his request for wisdom. I think I can trust that you won't disappoint me either. Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish you ask for."

    The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm deadly afraid of flying and I get very seasick on boats. Could you build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over there to visit whenever I want?” The Lord laughed and said, "That's nearly impossible! Think of the logistics of that! Do you know how big and how long the supports would have to be to reach the bottom of the Pacific Ocean???!!! Think of how much concrete...how much steel!!! Your request is very materialistic, a little disappointing. I could do it, but it's hard for me to justify your craving for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify Me as well."

    The man thought about it for a long while and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "Here's the deal. Lord, I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to know why they're crying. I want to know what they really mean when they say 'nothing'. I want to know how to make them truly happy. That's the wish that I want, Lord."

    Then after a few minutes, God said, "You want two lanes or four on that
    bridge?
    Unimpressed.

  6. #4161
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    It was so mediocre that I had to post the above comment.

  7. #4162
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ramesh Suresh View Post
    It was so mediocre that I had to post the above comment.
    Its a joke in a section made for them , the joke section , a JOKE ,,PS I found it funny , chill out mate .


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  8. #4163
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ramesh Suresh View Post


    Explanation: It’s sarcasm. They never set out on that journey leave alone reaching there. They are bluffing.
    You may be correct ,, but there again you may be dead wrong !!


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  9. #4164
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    A father walks into a book store with his son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
    A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
    Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
    Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
    As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
    "No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  10. #4165
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    A man got a new car and couldn't work out how to use the radio, so he took it back to the dealership.
    "This is a voice activated radio", said the salesman. "Just say what genre you want and it will play for you."
    .
    "Country" the man said and the radio started playing Johnny Cash.
    .
    "Rock" the man said and the radio started playing AC DC.
    .
    On the drive home a woman in a car cut him up badly.
    .
    "Fu**ing shit!!" the man said, and the radio started playing Justin Beiber.


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  11. #4166
    Former Staff Senior Contributor Ironduke's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ramesh Suresh View Post


    Explanation: It’s sarcasm. They never set out on that journey leave alone reaching there. They are bluffing.
    Hope you're joking.

  12. #4167
    Senior Contributor Toby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ramesh Suresh View Post
    It was so mediocre that I had to post the above comment.
    Lol, Forgot ya tablets?

  13. #4168
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    A young guardsman is on the gate at Buckingham palace. The RSM walks up to him and says "Right lad, the Queen is out on public duties I want to know the minute she gets back here, do you understand? The minute she's back you let me know".
    "Yes sir " says the young guardsman.
    So 10 minutes later a big limo pulls in through the gates, the guardsman stops the car, pops his head in and says " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "
    "No I'm princess Ann"
    "ok sorry to delay you, proceed".
    The next limo pulls in and he sticks his head in the window " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "
    "No I'm princess Margaret".
    " Ok sorry to delay you ma'am, proceed.
    Next limo pulls in and same again, he sticks his head in the window, "Scuse me ma'am, are you the Queen?."
    "Yes I'm the Queen".
    "Right" he says. "Well make yourself scarce love cos the RSM is lookin for you".


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  14. #4169
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    BREAKING NEWS!!!!


    Two Muslims have crashed there speedboat into the Thames barrier in London.

    .

    Police think it might be the start of
    Ram-a-dam.


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  15. #4170
    Senior Contributor Toby's Avatar
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    lol

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