Page 275 of 282 FirstFirst ... 266267268269270271272273274275276277278279280281282 LastLast
Results 4,111 to 4,125 of 4224

Thread: Post Your jokes here

  1. #4111
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
    Join Date
    22 Nov 06
    Location
    Darlington UK
    Posts
    14,644
    With the Christmas Festivities upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with you all about
    Drinking and Driving after a "Social Event" with friends.
    Last week, I was out at a Party with some friends & ex work colleagues.
    I had a few whiskeys followed by several beers. Despite my jolliness,
    I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit.
    That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I took a taxi home.
    Sure enough, there was a police road block on the high street but,
    since I was in a taxi, they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.
    This was both a great relief and surprise because I had never driven a taxi before.
    I don't even know where I got it from and now that it's outside my house, I don't know what to do with it!


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  2. #4112
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
    Join Date
    22 Nov 06
    Location
    Darlington UK
    Posts
    14,644
    Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones…. …. Just what you need in a phone that sets itself on fire —


    to be water resistant.


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  3. #4113
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
    Join Date
    22 Nov 06
    Location
    Darlington UK
    Posts
    14,644
    Cop..... I'm sorry sir but your wife has been involved in a fatal car crash & we would like u 2 accompany us so u can identify the body. Drunk man..... I'm a bit busy right now, cant u take a photo & tag me on facebook? If its her I'll click''like!'


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  4. #4114
    Senior Contributor Doktor's Avatar
    Join Date
    25 Aug 08
    Location
    Skopje, Macedonia
    Posts
    13,668
    Quote Originally Posted by tankie View Post
    Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones…. …. Just what you need in a phone that sets itself on fire —


    to be water resistant.
    No can do. Their washing machines also explode.
    No such thing as a good tax - Churchill

    To make mistakes is human. To blame someone else for your mistake, is strategic.

  5. #4115
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
    Join Date
    22 Nov 06
    Location
    Darlington UK
    Posts
    14,644
    Quote Originally Posted by Doktor View Post
    No can do. Their washing machines also explode.
    Thought it was tumble dryers ?


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  6. #4116
    Senior Contributor DOR's Avatar
    Join Date
    08 Mar 11
    Location
    London
    Posts
    2,365
    Alcohol and calculus don't mix ...
    so don't drink a derive.

  7. #4117
    Senior Contributor Toby's Avatar
    Join Date
    06 Nov 16
    Location
    Manchester
    Posts
    1,107

  8. #4118
    Senior Contributor Doktor's Avatar
    Join Date
    25 Aug 08
    Location
    Skopje, Macedonia
    Posts
    13,668
    No such thing as a good tax - Churchill

    To make mistakes is human. To blame someone else for your mistake, is strategic.

  9. #4119
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
    Join Date
    22 Nov 06
    Location
    Darlington UK
    Posts
    14,644
    In case you are having a rough day, here's a stress management technique
    recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is
    that it really does work and will make you smile.
    1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a
    crystal clear stream.
    2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
    3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
    4. No one knows your secret place.
    5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
    6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of
    serenity.
    7. The water is so clear that you can make out the face of the politician
    you are holding underwater.

    See it worked. You're smiling. You feel better already.


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  10. #4120
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
    Join Date
    22 Nov 06
    Location
    Darlington UK
    Posts
    14,644
    Chinese President Xi Jinping has weighed in on the Trump prostitution allegations by referring to him as Plesident Erect


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  11. #4121
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
    Join Date
    22 Nov 06
    Location
    Darlington UK
    Posts
    14,644
    Hey yella , dya wanna lodger lol

    Name:  15965087_10211756159843194_4147234093975502163_n.jpg
Views: 168
Size:  27.2 KB


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  12. #4122
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
    Join Date
    22 Nov 06
    Location
    Darlington UK
    Posts
    14,644
    "If you build it, they will come."
    Field Of Dreams 1989.

    "If we build it, they won't come."
    Donald Trump. 2017.


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  13. #4123
    Senior Contributor DOR's Avatar
    Join Date
    08 Mar 11
    Location
    London
    Posts
    2,365
    On average, human beings have one testicle ...
    --Daniel Levtin, "A Field Guide to Lies and Statistics"

  14. #4124
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
    Join Date
    22 Nov 06
    Location
    Darlington UK
    Posts
    14,644
    Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car.

    The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't and the old cow was struck and killed.

    Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.
    She said that he should resist any request from the farmer to pay for the animal, but she also said, “You killed it, so if they have to have money, it will come out of your pocket!” She stayed in the car making phone calls.
    About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, smeared with lipstick, and was smiling happily.
    "What happened to you," asked Hillary?
    "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me.”
    "What did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
    The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  15. #4125
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
    Join Date
    22 Nov 06
    Location
    Darlington UK
    Posts
    14,644
    A United States Marine was taking some college courses between
    assignments. He had completed 20 missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of
    the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist.
    One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.
    He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "GOD, if you are real, then I
    want you to knock me off this platform...
    I'll give you exactly 15 min."
    The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went
    by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting."
    It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his
    chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the
    platform. The professor was out cold.
    The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.
    The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in
    silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at
    the Marine and asked, "What in the world is the matter with you? Why did
    you do that?"
    The Marine calmly replied,
    "GOD was busy today protecting America 's soldiers who are protecting your
    right to say stupid shit and act like an idiot. So He sent me."
    The classroom erupted in cheers!


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 8 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 8 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. @ I don't think US should be the leader of the world..
    By MIKEMUN in forum American Politics & Economy
    Replies: 24
    Last Post: 08 Dec 09,, 18:31
  2. Post dumb jokes here..
    By YellowFever in forum World Affairs Board Pub
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 10 Aug 09,, 22:35
  3. Afghanistan and the Future of Warfare
    By troung in forum Military Aviation
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 23 Feb 08,, 00:59
  4. Nominating an Arab for the Post of UN Secretary-General
    By bull in forum International Politics
    Replies: 12
    Last Post: 03 Sep 06,, 04:51

Tags for this Thread

Share this thread with friends:

Share this thread with friends:

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •