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Thread: Post Your jokes here

  1. #4096
    Senior Contributor Toby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tankie View Post
    I don't mind admitting I got a bit Misty-Eyed, when I saw the last Two Lancasters in the Skies over England yesterday.

    You'll only ever see Bombers that close together now, if you stand outside a Mosque.
    lol

  2. #4097
    Senior Contributor Toby's Avatar
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    Not sure whether to laugh or cry here??

  3. #4098
    Senior Contributor DOR's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Toby View Post
    Not sure whether to laugh or cry here??
    Darwin at work.

  4. #4099
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    Quote Originally Posted by DOR View Post
    Darwin at work.
    Charlie Darwin is a very busy guy, or so it seems.
    .
    .
    .

  5. #4100
    Senior Contributor DOR's Avatar
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    the 2016 Darwin Awards:

    Eighth Place: In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

    Seventh Place: A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

    Sixth Place: While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

    Fifth Place: Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

    Fourth Place: Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

    Third Place: After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.

    The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

    HONORABLE MENTION

    Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.

    RUNNER UP

    Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

    AND THE WINNER IS....

    Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.

    The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'

    Let us all be thankful that these people have removed themselves from the gene pool ...

  6. #4101
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    After a severe earthquake in Dublin, Ireland.
    Rescuers were searching the rubble of a collapsed city centre hotel, when they heard a faint Irish voice shout "Help! Fecking help me!"
    The rescuers shouted "Where are you?"
    Paddy shouts "I'm in room 236."


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  7. #4102
    Senior Contributor Doktor's Avatar
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    No such thing as a good tax - Churchill

    To make mistakes is human. To blame someone else for your mistake, is strategic.

  8. #4103
    Senior Contributor Toby's Avatar
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  9. #4104
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    Name:  15232230_576716682523148_4182936022928905926_n.jpg
Views: 143
Size:  84.7 KB


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  10. #4105
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    When I walked in the house I was greeted by the wife holding a can of beer and smiling at me, suspiciously I asked "What's this for?"
    "My sister saw you chatting to the new barmaid at the local so she moved behind you to hear what you were saying "
    " Oh really? and what did she hear? "
    " The barmaid asked what I was like and you said I looked like Sue Barker! now sit down, I've made your favourite for dinner and after you're getting that blow job you keep asking for"
    I cracked open my beer and thought it was a good job the pub was noisy, I didn't say Sue, I said Chew


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  11. #4106
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    I had Colonic Irrigation today to help me with Depression and Dyslexia,,,For the first time in ages i could see a shite at the end of a Funnel,,,,


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  12. #4107
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    A blond is travelling in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic,calls out a May Day. "May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Help Me! Please Help Me!" She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position!" She says, "I'm 5'4 and i'm in the front seat." (pause) -- "O.K." says the voice in the radio....... "Repeat after me: Our father who art in heaven........"


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  13. #4108
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    Yesterday morning I bought two cases of beer on sale at the Beer Store.
    I placed them on the front seat and headed back home.
    I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.
    Although it was very cold she was wearing a very short skirt and a light jacket which was wide open.
    She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
    With her bra-less breasts almost falling out her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice,
    "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
    I thought for a few seconds and asked, .... "What kind of beer 'ya got?"


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  14. #4109
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    Quote Originally Posted by DOR View Post
    Eighth Place: In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

    Seventh Place: A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

    Sixth Place: While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

    Fifth Place: Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

    Fourth Place: Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

    Third Place: After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.

    The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

    HONORABLE MENTION

    Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.

    RUNNER UP

    Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

    AND THE WINNER IS....

    Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.

    The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'

    Let us all be thankful that these people have removed themselves from the gene pool ...
    And the winner is .. well false http://www.snopes.com/critters/malice/feces.asp

  15. #4110
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said to her husband, "You wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"
    "No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver."


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

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