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Thread: Post Your jokes here

  1. #4081
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    There was a blonde and a brunette in a elevator, on the next floor up a cute guy walked in. The brunette said to the blonde, isn' t he cute? The blonde said yes, but he has dandruff. Then the brunette said "I think he needs head and shoulders". And the blonde replied "How do you give shoulders?".


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  2. #4082

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    Quote Originally Posted by tankie View Post
    I've cut down on my drinking and now only have one whisky before going to bed,,


    Iast night i went to bed eleven times
    Reminded me of this one:

  3. #4083
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    The Russians keep changing Leningrad to their leaders name so it'll soon be Putingrad.

    If the US does that to Washington for Trump we have TRUMPTON!!


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  4. #4084
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    I needed a glyphic. I looked for a local seller and there is a shop selling Egyptian stuff a short drive away called 'Toot and come Inn' I thought Pharoah nuff it can't be a pyramid scheme so I went in and said 'I'd like to buy a glyphic'. The shopkeeper said ' No, you can only hire a glyphic!'

    ok okkkk , wheres me coat . lol
    Last edited by tankie; 05 Nov 16, at 12:41.


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  5. #4085
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    "Daddy, why do people hang horses?" asked my daughter.
    "Nobody hangs horses, darling," I consoled her in my lap. "Who told you that people hang horses?"
    "I just heard mummy on the phone saying that her new boss was hung like a horse."


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  6. #4086
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    Does Santa really live in the North Pole? He wears red and white, can get into locked houses, has loads of untraceable electrical goods, drives an unlicensed vehicle and only works one day a year. North Pole my arse - he's a scouser.


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  7. #4087
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    I don't mind admitting I got a bit Misty-Eyed, when I saw the last Two Lancasters in the Skies over England yesterday.

    You'll only ever see Bombers that close together now, if you stand outside a Mosque.


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  8. #4088
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    A highways agency warning said anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing, including a scarf, hat, gloves, 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, safety triangle, tow rope, petrol can, first aid kit and jump leads.

    Yella looked a right twat on the bus this morning...


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  9. #4089
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    England beat Scotland last night 3 0 Scotland I kid you not played in a pink outfit , yes shocking pink hahahaha, but the best is yet to come ,,,,,,,,, N Sturgeon wants the game replayed until she gets the result she wants ,,hahaha


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  10. #4090
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    Some girl just asked me if I thought she was wearing too much make-up.

    I said it depended on whether she was going to kill Batman or not.




    One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  11. #4091
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    Ma was in the kitchen fiddlin around when she hollars out... "Pa you need to fix the outhouse!"
    Pa replies, "there ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
    Ma yells back, "Yes there is now git out there and fix it."
    So... Pa mosies out to the outhouse, look's around and yell's back, " there ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
    Ma replies "Stick your head in the hole!"
    Pa yell's back "I ain't sticking my head in that hole!"
    Ma says "ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."
    So with that, pa sticks his head in the hole and looks around and yells back, "Ma there ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
    Ma hollars back, " now take your head out of the hole!"

    Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, " Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the Toilet seat!"

    To which ma replies "Hurt's , don't it?!


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  12. #4092
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    Heyyyyy yella , dya like pancakes , ha .



    Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the Doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little Angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
    After examining the child, the Doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him Pancakes. Pancakes are the new wonder food for small penises. That should solve the problem."
    The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a rather large stack of warm Pancakes in the middle of the table.
    "Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "All for Me" ..???
    "Just take Two," Brenda replied.
    "The Rest are for your Father."


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  13. #4093
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    A blonde city girl, marries a sheep farmer.
    One morning, on his way out to check on the sheep, the farmer says
    to his wife, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one
    of our ewes today. I drove a nail into the rail above the ewe's stall
    in the barn. You show him where the ewe is when he gets here, OK?'
    So then he went off to do some fencing.
    After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the
    front door.
    The farmer's wife takes him down to the barn. They walk along the
    row of sheep and when she sees the nail, she tells him 'This is the
    one...right here.'
    Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another
    dizzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this
    is the ewe to be inseminated?'
    'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', she explains very confidently.
    Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
    She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence,
    says over her shoulder ......
    'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  14. #4094
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    F Castro dead

    See yanks , Trump dont f##k about does he


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  15. #4095
    Senior Contributor Toby's Avatar
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    The generation who claimed the older generation ruined their future by voting brexit are the generation currently chasing imaginary pokemon

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