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Thread: Post Your jokes here

  1. #4066
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
    Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."
    "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
    Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."
    The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
    By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".
    Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
    Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
    "Now tell me, what the heck would you say?


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  2. #4067
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut from 72 to only 45. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings, and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members, and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is very unfair." Speaking from his lean-to in the West Midlands town of Tipton, where he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting wages, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my members that they won't be able to blow themselves up." Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle, Middleborough, Essex and Glasgow stated that they would be unaffected, as there are no virgins in these areas anyway. Apparently, the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are no longer so keen on going to paradise!!.


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  3. #4068
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    I've cut down on my drinking and now only have one whisky before going to bed,,


    Iast night i went to bed eleven times


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  4. #4069
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    Yesterday I was sitting in my living room, just watching TV (bargain hunt) when I noticed something walking on my knee toward my thigh, it was a tiny creature , I bent towards it to take a closer look, it was a tiny turtle. A lovely happy tiny turtle. He had a lovely smiley face. He walked on my thigh, up towards my belly, then he settled on my chest. We were there, just looking into each other's faces, smiling. Then a peculiar thing happened. The tiny turtle turned bright silver and his body got smaller at the sides, his tiny smiley face turned into point of a needle. The tiny turtle had turned into a three inch sharp needle. The needle took flight and went straight for my left eye. Straight in it went, instantly blinding me in that eye. I was screaming and blood was pouring out, then the needle flew straight at my other eye. I was in complete agony and there was blood everywhere. I was taken to hospital for sedation, when I awoke I was completely blind. Imagine how silly I felt when I discovered it wasn't I tiny turtle after all. It was a terror pin.

    LOL.Noooooooo ,, I'm not sorry


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  5. #4070
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    I've bought my ex one of those pitbull terriers as a birthday present. Despite the big jaws, huge teeth, bulging eyes and fat belly, the dog really seems to like her.


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  6. #4071
    Defense ProfessionalSenior Contributor tbm3fan's Avatar
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    One of these I imagine...
    Attached Images Attached Images  

  7. #4072
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tbm3fan View Post
    One of these I imagine...
    That should do it mate lol


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  8. #4073
    Resident Curmudgeon Military Professional Gun Grape's Avatar
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    The Presidential Debate in case anyone missed it.

    Its called Tourist Season. So why can't we shoot them?

  9. #4074
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    Who likes my new town car ?

    https://youtu.be/Yi63paLAtsQ
    Last edited by tankie; 12 Oct 16, at 21:07.


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  10. #4075
    Senior Contributor DOR's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tankie View Post
    Who likes my new town car ?

    https://youtu.be/Yi63paLAtsQ
    Evil.
    I like that in a car.

  11. #4076
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    Dontchya just love all the POTUS mud slinging


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    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  12. #4077
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
    The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
    Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
    'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

    no , you f##k off lol


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  13. #4078
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  14. #4079
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    And with all the worlds women at his feet ( allegedley) he picks the best , I wonder why now they are coming out of the woodwork to confess .


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    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

  15. #4080
    tankie Military Professional tankie's Avatar
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    A U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California. The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
    One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s."
    The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the ...loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

    The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"


    Trust gets you killed, love gets you hurt, and being REAL gets you hated.

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