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  • EURO LANGUAGE NEWS

    The European Commission has just announced that English will be the official
    language of the European Union. German, which was the other possibility, narrowly missed out.
    During negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would
    become known as "Euro-English".
    In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly this will make
    sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of "k".
    This should klear
    up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
    troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
    fotograf 20% shorter.
    In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
    reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments
    will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a
    deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the
    silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
    By the 4th yer pepl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with
    "z"
    and "w" with "v".
    During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
    "ou"
    and after zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no
    mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.
    Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
    Und after zis fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German; lik zey vunted in ze
    forst plas.

    Comment


    • The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you?

      He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night. '

      The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'

      He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night .'

      The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly ex-Navy man; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. ' Good morning,' he said.

      They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?'

      He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night.'

      Comment


      • What todays jokes can be fact in years to come .



        BRITISH HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2050
        Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions.
        White minorities still trying to have English recognised as the UK 's third language.
        Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.
        Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing a Burqa.
        Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct, and the scientific research fleet are unemployed.
        UK Government has told the Japanese that Grey Squirrels taste like whale meat.
        Britain now has ten Universities of Political Correctness.
        Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.
        Britain's deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.
        Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
        Iran still isolated. Physicists estimate at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
        France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries.
        No other country comes forward.
        Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2052.
        Post Office raises price of stamps to £19 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
        After a ten-year, £75.8 billion study commissioned by the Labour Party, scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
        Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone.
        Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil and human rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.
        Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.
        New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2051 as lethal weapons.
        Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.
        Bradford win FA Cup Final, beating Hindu Hornets 4-1.

        Comment


        • A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
          She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put £10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
          The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
          The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the £10,000 with a note that said,


          "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?

          Comment


          • Kevin Keegan quotes

            'England can end the millennium as it started - as the greatest football nation in the world.'

            'You're not just getting international football, you're getting world football'

            'The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they're not careful.'

            'I want more from David Beckham. I want him to improve on perfection.'

            'The Germans only have one player under 22, and he's 23'

            'I'll never play at Wembley again, unless I play at Wembley again'

            'England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second-to-none'

            'Shaun Wright-Phillips has got a big heart. It's as big as him, which isn't very big, but it's bigger'

            'Luis Figo is totally different to David Beckham, and vice versa'

            'I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona.'

            'The good news for Nigeria is that they're two-nil down very early in the game'

            'There's a slight doubt about only one player, and that's Tony Adams, who definitely won't be playing tomorrow.'

            'Argentina won't be at Euro 2000 because they're from South America.'

            'He'll also be very dangerous from set-pieces. That means he'll be a threat from free-kicks and corners in the final third of the field.'

            'They're the second best team in the world, and there's no higher praise than that.'

            'We deserved to win this game after hammering them 0-0 in the first half'




            'It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket. Every time there's a tackle, up pops a yellow card.'

            'The ref was vertically 15 yards away.'

            'Goalkeepers aren't born today until they're in their late twenties or thirties.'

            'They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Heighway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different'

            'Despite his white boots, he has real pace...'

            'You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw...'

            'He can't speak Turkey, but you can tell he's delighted.'

            '...using his strength. And that is his strength, his strength.'

            'I'm not disappointed - just disappointed.'

            'The tide is very much in our court now.'

            'Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose.'

            'I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except that it's totally different.'

            'The substitute is about to come on - he's a player who was left out of the starting line-up today.'

            'That decision, for me, was almost certainly definitely wrong.'

            'In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg.'

            'It's understandable that people are keeping one eye on the pot and another up the chimney.'

            'It could be far worse for me if it was easy for me.'

            'Football's always easier when you've got the ball'

            'I've had an interest in racing all my life, or longer really.'

            'We managed to wrong a few rights.'

            'We are three games without defeat is another way of looking at it. But if we are honest we have taken two points from nine'

            'You get bunches of players like you do bananas, though that is a bad comparison.'

            'Not many teams will come to Arsenal and get anything, home or away'

            Comment


            • CATHOLIC HORSES
              A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.
              He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
              Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
              Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
              The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.
              He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
              He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.
              The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on .....
              True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
              This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
              He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.
              Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.
              The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
              'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

              Comment


              • An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
                'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ...... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
                The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'
                When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
                'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
                The Irishman nodded ....
                'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
                'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
                'No, from the f**kin' skippin'.

                Comment


                • *British Suicide Bombers on Strike!*
                  Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
                  The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda Central announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25%, from 72 to only 54, effective immediately. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and the subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife, coupled with other factors contributing to a decline in the virgin supply. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Mustapha Fook told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in our teeth."
                  Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace and a difficult economy. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife, which is not helped by the downturn in the economy which is driving virgins to cash in their chastity. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting compensation, but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
                  Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle, Middlesborough, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in our areas anyway."
                  Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has also been attributed to the emergence and popularity of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are less keen on rushing

                  :whome:

                  Comment


                  • i just got home to find some
                    F*****G arse holes I AM GONNA FIND YOU! I can't believe this has happened to me right on top of Christmas! I just got home to find all the windows wide open! They've taken everything. Its all gone! The thieving b*****ds. What kind of sick minded person would do that to another person? You are not human. You are low life scum!
                    That was my advent calendar and you had no right to open it and eat all my chocolate!



                    Happy xmas wabbers

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by tankie View Post
                      That was my advent calendar and you had no right to open it and eat all my chocolate!
                      It happened to me too when I was a kid.

                      Cheers!...on the rocks!!

                      Comment


                      • I go thru this every year with my kids. Usually I end up getting them multiple calendars to keep the peace, but now I'm looking into advent calendars with liver bites instead of chocolates...:puck:

                        Comment


                        • Politicians are elected to serve...far too many don't see it that way - Albany Rifles! || Loyalty to country always. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it - Mark Twain! || I am a far left millennial!

                          Comment


                          • A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from theLouvre.
                            After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.
                            However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
                            When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'
                            I had no Monet
                            To buy Degas
                            To make the Van Gogh.
                            See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.
                            I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.

                            Comment


                            • I shall steal this.
                              But I make no guarantees I can pull it off.

                              Comment


                              • A New Zealander and an Aussie were walking through a paddock when they saw a ewe with it's head stuck in the fence. Seizing his chance the Kiwi said 'excuse me a moment', walked up to the ewe, dropped his trousers and fucked it.
                                Then, looking round he said 'sorry, that was very rude of me, would you like a go?' to the Aussie.
                                The Aussie thought for a moment, said 'sure, why not', dropped his trousers and stuck his head in the fence.
                                In the realm of spirit, seek clarity; in the material world, seek utility.

                                Leibniz

                                Comment

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