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Thread: Post Your jokes here

  1. #16
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    Nice story SapperSgt...kinda like Reader's Digest material..

  2. #17
    Defense Professional RustyBattleship's Avatar
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    A bystander on a street corner pulls out his cell phone and excitedly reports a major robbery of the Jewelry store right next to him and he's a witness. In a few moments the police arrive to find the front window of the store totally smashed in and most of the jewelry on the display shelves gone.

    They take pictures and pull out their notebooks to interview the witness who called in the robbery. "Exactly what happened sir?"

    The man answers, "Well I was standing here waiting for the bus when this big truck pulls up, the back doors open up, a ramp swings down to the street and an elephant walks out.

    "Then the elephant bashes his head through the store window and sucks up most of the jewelry in his trunk. Then he gets back in the truck, the ramp goes up, the doors close and the truck drives away".

    The stunned police officer says, "Wow! That is certainly amazing and very unusual. This is going to take a lot of detail questioning. Before we get to the truck description, was the elephant an African elephant or an Asian elephant?"

    The witness stammers, "Uh, I don't know. What's the difference?"

    The officer says, "Well an African elephant has very large ears like big butterfly wings and the Asian elephant has much smaller ears."

    The witness shrugs his shoulders and says, "How would I know THAT? He wore a stocking over his head."
    Able to leap tall tales in a single groan.

  3. #18
    Patron standoh's Avatar
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    Wiping tears from my eyes, catching my breath.



    Bob and Bill are out hunting in the woods. Bill gets bitten in the rear by a black mamba.Bob pulls out his cellphone and calls Emergency Services and is connected to the local doctor who says that he cannot come out to treat Bob since he's currently handling a complicated delivery, but offers Bob some basic first aid instruction in snake bites.
    He tells Bob to make deep knife incisions around the bite and using his mouth, suck out the venom, and spit it out.

    On ending the call, Bob is silent for a moment.
    Then Bill, groaning in pain asks him, "What did the doctor say?".

    Upon which Bob replies, "The doc are going to die".



    Another hunting joke:

    While Mel and Will are on a hunt, Mel clutches his chest and collapses, and Will calls emergency services on his cell phone saying his friend had died.

    The emergency operator tells him to calm down, and make sure that his friend is really dead.

    A gunshot is heard, then Will comes back on the phone and says, "Now he's dead".




    The greatest instrument of moral good is the imagination.

  4. #19
    Senior Contributor jame$thegreat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sappersgt View Post
    Tricky Chinese.
    Quote Originally Posted by sappersgt View Post
    Doug does not laugh at dismembered limbs.
    I lol'd
    Sometimes things dont end up how they should, a son, a brother, a mentor, a teacher, a cousin, a nephew, a grandson and a god in my eyes.

    Who knows what he more could have been...

    Christopher Muzykant

    April 9, 1976-November 4,2005

    My Brother, Always and forever

  5. #20
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    Two baby seals walk into a bar, bartender says " what would you like? "
    Baby seals reply, "Anything but a Canadian club!"

  6. #21
    Senior Contributor tim52's Avatar
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    A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

    After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

    "No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
    Buy the ticket, take the ride.

  7. #22
    Resident Curmudgeon Military Professional Gun Grape's Avatar
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    A dedicated union member was at a convention in Las Vegas and went to the local brothels. At the first one, he asked "If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

    "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

    In support of his fellow workers he looked for a more equitable shop. But the next madame told him they had the same pay scale and arrangement. He finally found a brothel that was a union house and gave their workers 80 out of the 100 dollar fee. The union man looked around the room. There was a stunningly attractive young, sultry redhead and an 80 year old that looked more like 90. The man pointed at the redhead and said "I'd like her for the night."

    "I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame "but Ethel here has seniority."
    Its called Tourist Season. So why can't we shoot them?

  8. #23
    Resident Curmudgeon Military Professional Gun Grape's Avatar
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    Two little kids were in a hospital laying next to each other. The first kid leaned over and asked, "What are you in here for?"

    The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

    The first kid said, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"

    The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"

    The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."

    The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
    Its called Tourist Season. So why can't we shoot them?

  9. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by sappersgt View Post
    I was surprised that the
    Buncombe County Sheriff Department wasn't waiting for me at the loading dock
    when I picked these things up.
    Buncombe County? That's practically next door to my home. Cool.
    I enjoy being wrong too much to change my mind.

  10. #25
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    Whats red green blue yellow orange and purple and spins around in a circle at 100 mph?


    A frog in a blender

    How do you confuse a male archaeologist?
    A=Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from

  11. #26
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    What's red white and spinning at 100MPH? A baby in a blender.

    I like the story, sound slike something my dad would do

    What to you do when you see a (insert race of your choice here) with one leg standing in your back yard? Stop laughing and re-load

    What do you call a (insert race here) jumping out of an airplane? Air polution

    What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls? Cut one off and give it to Lance Armstrong.
    "you have enemies, good. That means you stood up for something, sometime in your life"

  12. #27
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    What's the name for a leper having a bath?

    Soup.

  13. #28
    Field mechanik Senior Contributor omon's Avatar
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    how do you double the price of lada? fill it up with gas.
    one drunk guy stops a taxi, will you take 2 to the airport? the driver asks, where is the second guy, the drunk replies, aren't you going as well?
    Last edited by omon; 16 Feb 07, at 01:32.

  14. #29
    Idiot Mode [ON] OFF Senior Contributor YellowFever's Avatar
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    Three men in Heaven...

    Three men, having died of various reasons, go to heaven and faces god.

    God says, "you three have been very good on earth. How do you wish to be rewarded in heaven?"

    The first guy says, "See, lord, I've never had awesome, raunchy sex with numerous women before, can you oblige?"

    "No problem", God says. He waves his hands and a door appears and when the guy opens in, he sees inside dozens of the most beautiful women on earth, all naked and obviously wanting the guy.

    "You shall be in there for 100 years to do whatever you desire!" God proclaims and locks the guy into the room for 100 years.

    The second guy say, "That's great, God! But, you know, I always wanted to drink the best booze in the world without interference from anybody, can you help me?"

    "No problem", God says again. He waves his hands and a door appears and when the second guy opens it, he sees jugs and jugs of the best booze on earth.

    "You shall be locked in there for 100 years to drink as much as you want!" God proclaims and locks the second guy into his room.

    The third guy seeing this, is ecstatic.
    "God, I always wanted to smoke and smoke and smoke the best cigarettes on earth till I can't smoke anymore."

    "No problem" God says again and waves his hand.

    The third guy opens a door and he is literally ecstatic to see thousands of cartons of Marloboro Lights, Red, Camel, Kool, Benson &Hedges and every other kinds of cigarette on earth.

    "You shall be locked up in there for 100 years to smoke as much as you like!" God, proclaims and locks him in the room.....


    ************



    100 years later God opens the first door and the guy inside is literally spent. He barely crawls out and smiles to God and says, "Thankyou, Lord, I am the happiest man on earth.

    God opens the second door and the guy crawls out, obviously drunk out of his mind. He crawls to god and says, "Hick..Thankyou Lord, you have made me the*hick* happiest man on earth.

    So God is happy.

    He walks to the third door, and opens it.
    The third man looks at God and says, "By the way, God, do you have some matches????"

  15. #30
    Patron standoh's Avatar
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    During orientation and induction week in college, the counselors in the men's hostels were laying down the laws for accessing the womens' hostels after hours.
    Thus:

    "After hours begin at 9 pm."
    "The penalty for first for first offenders is a reprimand, second time offenders is a 1500 Shilling fine, 3rd time offenders get fined 4500."

    Upon which a voice at the back was heard asking, "How much for season tickets".
    The greatest instrument of moral good is the imagination.

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