The leader of the international criminal gang of bastards.
- Iraqi Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, on George W. Bush

The insane little dwarf, Bush.
- Iraqi Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, on George W. Bush

The midget, Bush, and that Rumsfield deserve only to be beaten with shoes by freedom loving people everywhere.
- Iraqi Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, on George W. Bush

Bush is a very stupid man. The American people are not stupid, they are very clever. I can't understand how such clever people came to elect such a stupid president.
- Iraqi Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, on George W. Bush

I speak better English than this villain, Bush.
- Iraqi Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, on George W. Bush

We're going to drag the drunken, junkie nose of Bush through Iraq's desert.
- Iraqi Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, on George W. Bush

This criminal in the White House is a stupid criminal.
- Iraqi Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, on George W. Bush

Bush doesn't even know if Spain is a republic or a kingdom, how can they follow this man?
- Iraqi Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, on Spain's support for the U.S.

Hopefully, he is not as stupid as he seems, nor as Mafia-like as his predecessors were.
- Fidel Castro

You know, we make fun of President Bush. But seriously, it's nice to have a president who is busy coloring eggs instead of trying to fertilize them.
- Jay Leno

Mr. Rogers went to the White House, and it was very nice. He stopped by the White House and took four new, big words to the president.
- David Letterman

Logically unsound, confused and unprincipled, unwise to the extreme.
- Jiang Zemin, Chinese President, on George W. Bush

I saw an intelligence expert on TV today saying the White House failed to connect the dots. That's ironic because connecting the dots is Bush's favorite game.
- Jay Leno

The White House keeps saying they went with the best intelligence available - too bad the voters didn't.
- Jay Leno



The only option is the departure of the warmonger No. 1 in the world - the failing President Bush who has made his country a joke in the world.
- Iraqi Foreign Minister, Naji Sabri, when asked about Bush's ultimatum for Saddam to leave Iraq.

Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon arrived in Washington Sunday night to give President Bush a 91-page book proving that Yasser Arafat funded terrorists. White House sources say that President Bush has the book and is almost done coloring it.
- Tina Fey

There's Adam Clymer, major league asshole, from the New York Times.
- President Bush to Dick Cheney (overheard at a press conference)

According to the latest poll in the Washington Post, 63 percent of Americans said that so far they approve of President Bush. Not surprisingly, the other 37 percent are English teachers.
- Conan O'Brien

Yesterday, at the White House, in the middle of an interview, President Bush jumped up out of his chair and started swatting at a housefly. When asked about it, the White House spokesperson said, 'Hey, that's nothing. You should see him chase a tennis ball
- Conan O'Brien

We make fun of George W. Bush, but this morning he was at work bright and early. Okay, he was early.
- Jay Leno

President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards.
- Conan O'Brien

As President Bush so eloquently put it in his address to Congress: 'Mathematics are one of the fundamentaries of educationalizing our youths.' I could not have said it better with a 10-foot pole.
- Dave Barry

I think that if you are the leader of planet Earth, you should be smarter than me. You just get the feeling, don't you, in the Oval Office that Dick Cheney is working behind the big desk. And then off to the right there is a little collapsible card table where George has like airplanes and stuff. Then every once in a while he looks up and says, 'I've discovered that if I shut my eyes, I can disappear.
- Darrel Hammond



Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate. The Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language.
- Jay Leno

(The Weakest Link) is fascinating program. They ask a bunch of people questions and they keep getting rid of the dumbest person, so just the smartest person is left. It is kind of the opposite way we elect a president.
- Jay Leno

On Monday, President Bush wrote a letter offering his condolences to the wife of the missing Chinese fighter pilot. After Bush wrote the letter, it was quickly given to experts and then translated. Then it was translated into Chinese.
- Jimmy Fallon



The president has a lot of troubles these days. Everyone's getting mad at him left and right. Atheist groups are getting more mad at him because he's been using more and more references to Christianity in his speeches. In fact it happened this morning, he said, 'Jesus, look at all those big words.'
- Conan O'Brien

Next Monday, it's a special holiday devoted to the Bushes - One-Term Presidents' Day.
- David Letterman

Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?
- Jay Leno, on Bush's foreign policy riffs

Several European countries are criticizing President Bush because during his speech last night he didn't use the word Europe once. In his defense the President said, 'I didn't use any words that begin with the letter Y.
- Conan O'Brien

I read today that the president was interrupted 73 times by applause and 75 times by really big words.
- Jay Leno

President Bush said for security reasons, he's sworn off all e-mail communication. He will not be using email at the White House at all. Is that a good idea? I mean, it's not like that speaking thing was working out so good.
- Jay Leno

According to this week's Time magazine, President George Bush is a serious fitness buff. He works out 60 to 90 minutes a day with weights. Apparently he likes working out because it 'clears his mind.' Sometimes it works a little too well.
- Jay Leno

Maybe it's knocked his syntax straight.
- Cokie Roberts, on Bush banging his head on the door while boarding Marine One

Well, he got this new globe for Christmas.
- Bob Dole, dispelling rumors that George W. Bush lacks a grasp of foreign affairs

Today George W. Bush went to Florida. It is the first time that he has been there since the election, and he thanked all of the Florida voters for being so stupid.
- David Letterman

Those stories about my intellectual capacity do get under my skin. You know for a while I even thought my staff believed it. There on my schedule first thing every morning it said, 'Intelligence briefing.'
- President Bush, on himself

Are you with the Chinese press? Your English is perfect. You speak better English than I do.
- George W. Bush, to a Chinese reporter

Self-deprecation is a good move, whether you're trying to get a date or run the country, because it's endearing and softens you and brings in the pity factor. But with Bush, you still have the feeling that he thinks he's the coolest guy in the frat.
- Michael Colton

Today George W. Bush went to Florida. It is the first time that he has been there since the election, and he thanked all of the Florida voters for being so stupid.
- David Letterman

President Bush's daughter Jenna bailed a boyfriend out of jail Sunday after he was arrested at a TCU fraternity party for public drunkenness. Her parents wept when they heard. It reminded them so much of their first date.
- Comedian Argus Hamilton

Today President Bush ordered an investigation into whether it is appropriate to have civilians with no experience running a Navy sub. Hey, how about an investigation into whether it's appropriate to have a civilian with no experience running the country?
- Jay Leno

George W. Bush is clearly the best thing to happen to political humorists since - well, since Bill Clinton.
- Daniel Kurtzman

George W. Bush is like a bad comic working the crowd, a moron, if you'll pardon the expression.
- Martin Sheen

The big story continues to be the shooting in the front of the White House. They've been investigating this gunman, and it seems the only time he has been in trouble was a traffic ticket in 1993. Basically, this is the first time in history that the president has a worse criminal record than the guy who was shooting at him.
- Jay Leno

Today the Secret Service said that at no time was President Bush ever in danger. In fact they said Bush didn't even hear the gunfire because he was sitting in his office popping bubble wrap all day.
- Jay Leno

They say that everyone in the White House was startled by the gunfire. Here is my question: how can you tell when George Bush is startled? Doesn't he always look that way?
- Jay Leno

Bush is smart. I don't think that Bush will ever be impeached, 'cause unlike Clinton, Reagan, or even his father, George W. is immune from scandal. Because, if George W. testifies that he had no idea what was going on, wouldn't you believe him?
- Jay Leno

If I wanted to see a bozo rant, make a fool of himself and try to impose his 17th-century philosophy on others, I'd just watch The O'Reilly Factor.
- Frank Fitzpatrick

Bush travels to Poland on Friday, where Polish people are fond of making George W. Bush jokes.
- Craig Kilborn

President Bush is back from Europe. He said that when he looked into the eyes of Vladimir Putin, he could see his soul. Wasn't this an old President Clinton pick-up line?
- David Letterman

Hundreds of protestors participated in protests outside the NATO meeting yesterday. The majority of the people were against Bush. It doesn't bother him though. The last time the majority of the people were against Bush he was elected president.
- Jay Leno

George W. Bush says that since he has been in the White House, he prays every day. I'm thinking, 'Hell, same goes for us.'
- David Letterman

Actually, Bush says being in Europe isn't much of an adjustment for him. In a lot of these countries they drink a lot and drive on the other side of the road, just like he used to do.
- Jay Leno

Bozo the Clown is retiring after 40 years. Well, with Bush in office, he can't really compete.
- Jay Leno

It was reported this week, that during a conversation with friends, Bill Clinton complemented President Bush, calling him 'far shrewder than many think' and a 'formidable politician.' Clinton then added, 'But remember, I'm a liar.'
- Tina Fey

George Bush attempted to taste the biscuit with his attention focused on a football game - a combination of actions that, it appears, proved difficult.
- Greek daily To Vima

When I see an American flag flying, it's a joke. This present government in America I just find disgusting, the idea that George Bush could run a baseball team successfully - he can't even speak! I just find him an embarrassment. I'd be very happy to stay in London. There's nothing in America that I would miss at all.
- Robert Altman

Mentally retarded are treated equally in Texas - some executed, some elected.
- Don Wright

You've been a drunk, a thief, a possible felon, an unconvicted deserter and a cry baby... for the sake of all that is decent and sacred take leave immediately and bring some honor to your all-important family name.
- Michael Moore



President Bush is leaving the White House for a vacation. He's taking a month off. Yeah, take a break, you deserve it. But aides say that while on vacation, Bush will continue to make two or three speeches a week to make sure that the market keeps crashing.
- Jay Leno

In this fight for our cherished freedoms, those cherished freedoms should definitely be the first thing to go. Sieg heil, y'all.
- Molly Ivins

Terrorism, unfortunately, is all too real. But so is one's terror of the Bush presidency.
- Robert Kuttner



Today is Earth Day, or, as the Bush administration calls it, Monday.
- David Letterman

Bush is unusually incurious, abnormally unintelligent, amazingly inarticulate, fantastically uncultured, extraordinarily uneducated, and apparently quite proud of all these things.
- Christopher Hitchens

George W. Bush is emptiness personified, formed of vacuous phrases to hide his life. He is a picture which the news media, blindfolded and foolish, never broke open. He is being completely handled. He delegates everything, including the fight for his political life. His daddy's team is fending for him.
- Jane Prettyman

In the Clinton administration we worried the president would open his zipper. In the Bush administration, they worry the president will open his mouth.
- James Carville

The Bush operation reminds me of North Korea. You have a group of insanely loyal, fiercely committed lunatics, devoting their lives to slavish devotion of a moron whose only claim to power is that his father used to run the country. George W. Bush is Kim Jong II with better hair.
- Paul Begala



Al Gore says President Bush's economic plan has zero chance of working. Now, this raises on important question: Bush has an economic plan?
- David Letterman



The Stock Market was down today. Two major businesses declared bankruptcy, consumer spending is at an all time low - in other words, Bush is back on the job.
- Jay Leno



In a speech yesterday in Milwaukee, President Bush vowed to do whatever it takes to keep the economy strong. In fact he said that if he needs to, he will take vacation for another three months.
- Jay Leno

There's now speculation in Washington that President Bush is now planning to increase the economic sanctions on Iraq. And let me tell you if they are half as tough as the economic sanctions Bush has imposed on this country, they are screwed.
- Jay Leno

Why is Junior so comfortable with being so ignorant?
- Paul Begala

You can just hear Jim Baker screaming at Austin : Just lock that idiot kid up on the ranch somewhere, we'll tell him what to say and when to say it. Every time he speaks, it looks like a damn hostage video Ollie North smuggled out of Tehran and every time he's under stress, he breaks out in a boil. He lost the election. We'll deliver him the White House.
- Paul Begala

It's simply impossible to take junior seriously. Whether it's his hostage-tape performances on television, his spurious and hypocritical legal claims, or his thuggish political tactics, Bush has pursued power in such a way as to prove himself unworthy of it.
- Paul Begala

Bush IS just like McDonald's : pre-packaged, filled with empty calories and controlled by corporate interests.
- Paul Begala

This is a guy who could not find oil in Texas.
- Al Franken

What is his accomplishment? That he's no longer an obnoxious drunk?
- Ron Reagan Jr.

Calling George Bush shallow is like calling a dwarf short.
- Molly Ivins

Here's a guy who never really did anything without the help of Daddy's contacts, the money from Daddy's friends, and now he's won, and he looks more than slightly bewildered.
- David Nyhan

Thanks Dad; whaddo I do now?
- David Nyhan

George Bush is in Europe and the mission while he's there -- the objective -- is to assure Europeans that he is competent. And I'm thinking, 'Wait a minute. What about assuring us first?
- David Letterman

Today is 'take your daughter to work day'. President Bush took his daughters to work and let them dismantle 12 environmental regulations
- David Letterman

Everybody is saying Condit knows more than he is saying. That's the great thing about President Bush. With George W. Bush, you never have to worry about that.
- David Letterman

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
- David Letterman

If George Bush was anymore retarded, he'd be on death row in Texas.
- Bill Maher

Did I mention that Bush is a lying bag of crap?
- Bill Maher

The SC has ruled out medical marijuana. First they installed Bush as President. Now they are refusing any help to reduce the pain and suffering of the public.
- Bill Maher

If George W. Bush is a reformer, I'm an astronaut!
- John McCain

President George W. Bush says he'll do whatever it takes to defend Taiwan, but first he said he needs to find out just where the hell Taiwan is! It's where most of his toys come from.
- Conan O' Brien

President Bush is in trouble. His approval rating has never been lower. Bush says that he hasn't seen numbers this low since he took his SATs.
- Conan O' Brien

Bush and company give the unfortunate impression of glee at the thought of an economic downturn, as if it were a lucky break. It's like a child hoping to be sick so he can take that yummy medicine.
- Mike Kinsley

I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country, which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.
- Jack Mayberry

Everyone knows the man has no clue, but no one there has the courage to say it. I mean, good gawd, the man is as he always has been : barely adequate.
- Jon Stewart

Bush : "I ask you to pray for this country.
Jon Stewart : "We are way ahead of you, Mr. President."
- Jon Stewart

Bush is the kind of businessman that can create a multi-million dollar company - just so long as someone gives him a multi-billion dollar company.
- Brian Sweat

I'm not sure he really understands a lot of issues. He seems to be given his lines by other people.
- Sting

This Monday President Bush will be celebrating his 100th day in office. When asked about it, Bush said, 'Gosh, 100 days? Has it been a year already?'
- Jay Leno

He seems to be an idiot.
- George Carlin

I have been disappointed in almost everything he has done.
- Jimmy Carter

Jenna Bush was caught trying to buy a drink in Austin with a fake ID. It's her second alcohol incident in a month. She must be extra careful from now on, because under federal law, it's Three Strikes and You're President.
- Argus Hamilton

President Bush threw out the first pitch last night at the World Series. He was wearing a firefighters jacket. Now think about this, he's throwing out the first pitch, wearing a firefighters jacket, and he's the president of the United States. He is living every 8-year-old's dream!
- Jay Leno

Bush was not elected president, but appointed and therefore why should the US bitch about Cuba not holding free elections?
- Fidel Castro

President Bush was in South Dakota today. There was an awkward moment at Mount Rushmore when President Bush said, "Hey, look, it's those guys on the money!"
- Conan O'Brien