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Reply With QuoteI love those.. keep em up..
Got this sent , i dont know if its true (chogy, help) , but its funny
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport"
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."
While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727..
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?
TANKIE.
I love those.. keep em up..
Those are great Tankie!
“When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.” ~ Jimi Hendrix
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
Originally Posted by Southie
Those are great Tankie!
Southie , i hope they were true statements , woo hooh
TANKIE.
I heard of a couple. The first is quite tasteless.
"Ground control, Lufthansa 123, we must delay our pushback. Apparently we are missing a passenger."
(unidentified voice) "Did you look in the ovens?")
---------------------------------------------------------
Chicago controllers are notoriously short tempered and have no patience for ineptitude. One pilot in particular was having difficulty with the rapid fire instructions, was slow to respond, and in general causing grief.
Chicago, quite angry: "November 31 Foxtrot, turn your aircraft so that the S is at the top of the compass and GET OUT OF MY AIRSPACE!!"
Oops, remembered another one. This was back when military and civilian pilots were far more competitive than they are now, and when civilian pay was actually quite high. Sadly the latter has changed, but I'm trying to set the scene.
A titanic C-5 Galaxy and a little DC-9 were taxiing at a shared airport. The C-5 pilot, in an attempt to have a bit of a d*ck-waving contest, said (on ground control frequency)
C-5 to DC-9:"Oh, that's a cute light twin you have there... What does that little jet gross out at?"
DC-9 "Oh, about $200,000 a year. How about yours?"
<crickets chirping>
There is the story about 617Sqdn when they were practising their low flying before the Dams raid. The Air Ministry received a letter from the Mayor of a country town, stating that the Sqdn had been disrupring traffic on the B356 road.A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport"
Some wag at the ministry then sent a letter to Guy Gibsoon, telling him that in future when 617 were flying in the area, they were to show due care and consideration for other road users!
Another story, this time from the actual raid, one of the aircraft flying back to England, flew very low over a railway marshalling yard. the rear gunner quipped that the germans did not need to shot them down, all they needed to was the switch the points.
Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground..
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
(I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last...
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like amidget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
TANKIE.
This was forwarded to me by a friend in regards to the SR-71
"One day, high above Arizona, we were monitoring
the radio traffic of all the mortal airplanes below us.
First, a Cessna pilot asked the air traffic controllers
to check his ground speed. 'Ninety knots,' ATC replied.
A Bonanza soon made the same request.
'One-twenty on the ground,' was the reply. To our
surprise, a navy F-18 came over the radio with a
ground speed check. I knew exactly what he was
doing. Of course, he had a ground speed indicator
in his cockpit, but he wanted to let all the
bug-smashers in the valley know what real speed
was 'Dusty 52, we show you at 620 on the ground,'
ATC responded.
The situation was too ripe. I heard
the click of Walt's mike button in the rear seat.
In his most innocent voice, Walt startled the
controller by asking for a ground speed check
from 81,000 feet, clearly above controlled airspace.
In a cool, professional voice, the controller replied,
'Aspen 20, I show you at 1,982 knots on the ground.'
We did not hear another transmission on that
frequency all the way to the coast."
I've heard that one before, but it's always fun to read it again. Now THAT'S real speed!
"Yeah. See, we plan ahead, that way we don't do anything right now. Earl explained it to me." - Tremors, 1990
yep.. heard it was by Major Brian Shul..
Yes it was, from his book "Sled Driver: Flying the World's Fastest Jet".
"Yeah. See, we plan ahead, that way we don't do anything right now. Earl explained it to me." - Tremors, 1990
I bet the Space Shuttle pilots could have some fun with air traffic control
.... Alpha whiskey lima, Singapore
.... Alpha whiskey lima, we got the marshaller on sight now
Here they go to left side going party
Ok. Way way bay one one seven is now just to your right Sir and you have marshaller in sight now
Just now we got him in sight
Thanks for your help
Singapore three three four approaching holding point ready for take off
They are all waving at us heh heh
Joe! Hey!
Singapore three three four roger
Line up zero zero two right
Crash sound
End of zero two right Singapore three three four
Oh shit, that’s grass
Sound of Crash, Ooh’s & Wah’s
Oh f**ks
That was grass
Shh
Son...of..a..bitch!
Alpha whiskey lima Singapore
That’s some yellow bar its going to fart out, we gotta shut it down all right.
Come on come on
F**k man, he’s marshalling me over there
How come
I think we’ve got to shut down that engine
No engine noise
End of tape.
Flight APWP6L followed the return route until it was abeam Bay 117 on the straight section of the diverted portion of Taxiway WA, just before Taxiway VY. At that location, the pilot saw the ground marshaller at Bay 117 on the aircraft’s right side. Instead of continuing to follow the assigned taxi route, the aircraft turned right. In doing so, it left the WA taxiway centre line and went onto a grass area between Taxiway WA and the parking apron. The nose gear of the aircraft went across an open drain of about 1.4 m wide and 0.8 m deep within the grass area. The aircraft came to a halt when its main landing gears went into the drain at about 0044 hours.
Golly.... This is unbelievable.
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