Poking a little fun at the Frenchys

**Veni Vidi Vici** · 30 Nov 04,, 01:53

I saw this and thought it was pretty funny, as well as true. And for all you Frenchys out there; Don't be offended. I used to live and France and very well know that they have some good qualities. Unfortunently for them combat is not one of those. Anyway here goes:

French Military History-

Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare - "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchmen."

Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years' War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution: Tied; Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War: Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Deluded Frogophiles the world over label the period as the height of French Military Power.

War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting".

French Revolution: Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

WWI: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

WWII: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare -"We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos.

War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.

**~~PaulG~~** · 30 Nov 04,, 04:27

'WWI: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States.'

That was the funniest bit, that people over there think that!

However i was surprised ot actually says 'liberated France' i was expecting to read 'defeated Germany singlehandedly.'

Personally i liked the forged google page floating around a few years ago that had 'french military victories' in the search window and down below it said,

Im sorry we can't find what you are looking for, did you mean 'french military defeats?'

**lemontree** · 30 Nov 04,, 09:34

PaulG/Veni vidi vici
Pardon my ignorance. Why all the sudden anti-french stuff amongst the US folks?

**~~PaulG~~** · 30 Nov 04,, 10:13

Originally Posted by lemontree

PaulG/Veni vidi vici
Pardon my ignorance. Why all the sudden anti-french stuff amongst the US folks?

You don't know? They have links with terrorists! AND weapons of mass destruction AND a socialist head of state AND they are arrogant!

But most importantly they have a permanent seat in the UNSC and they don't always agree with the US. So its better to treat them like snivelling deceptive cowards whithout an ounce of moral integrity who only exist because America wills it. Then when the US goes of on a unilateral escapade they can justify it by blaming the Frogs.

Not that, that was the intent of the thread, im sure its just a bit of historically inaccurate humour.

**Franco Lolan** · 30 Nov 04,, 12:26

I'm not anti-French, but:

"But most importantly they have a permanent seat in the UNSC "

Who gave them that seat? USA

**Veni Vidi Vici** · 30 Nov 04,, 13:01

Originally Posted by lemontree

PaulG/Veni vidi vici
Pardon my ignorance. Why all the sudden anti-french stuff amongst the US folks?

A) Its not sudden. Most Americans have hated France for a long time.

B) Personaly I don't hate the French. They have so distastful qualities as do all countries, including the USA. I posted this because I thought it was humorus. I would and will just as easily post something that pokes fun of Americans, or any other nationality for that matter.

**Julie** · 30 Nov 04,, 13:07

Originally Posted by Veni Vidi Vici

A) I would and will just as easily post something that pokes fun of Americans, or any other nationality for that matter.

As an American, I would say the US is it's own worst enemy in most situations. As you posted above, with France's decision-making process surely lacking, why would the US support France for a permanent seat at the UN??? Further, many times the US has supported countries in a time of war with weaponry and intelligence, it has always come back to bite us, in future endeavors. Even though I would never put my life in the hands of any Frenchman, the US could surely be poked fun at as well.

**~~PaulG~~** · 30 Nov 04,, 13:42

Originally Posted by Franco Lolan

I'm not anti-French, but:

"But most importantly they have a permanent seat in the UNSC "

Who gave them that seat? USA

I know

Well the Allies did really, unless you want to make a fool of yaself and say the US won the war singlehandedly.

Julie, France has a permanent seat on the UNSC already, they don't need US support or anything like that and the US can't do anything about it.

Personally, they should get rid of the whole permanent seat setup, its outdated.

It was always a stupid idea, once the war ended.

**Julie** · 30 Nov 04,, 13:53

I agree....the UN needs drastic reforms.

**Veni Vidi Vici** · 30 Nov 04,, 14:07

Originally Posted by PaulG

Julie, France has a permanent seat on the UNSC already, they don't need US support or anything like that and the US can't do anything about it.

.

Don't be so sure. With Bush in office for another 4 years we'll probobly invade them or something.

**Bill** · 30 Nov 04,, 14:09

"Julie, France has a permanent seat on the UNSC already, they don't need US support or anything like that and the US can't do anything about it. "

Sure we can. We can veto every security measure they try to push through the UN.

**Static Caster** · 30 Nov 04,, 15:27

Well....you know what makes me laugh my ass off???

In World War 2, the SUPERIOR Italian troops (in both numbers and weaponry) were driven out of northern Greece and right back into Albania....and by who???

The GREEKS for god's sake!

Then a backward nation of 8 million goat herding, souvlaki selling, feta cheese producing, ouzo drinking (I could go on) Greeks.

What an embarassment for the Italians.
At the end of that War, the Kerkyra islands were given to Greece.

**Ray** · 30 Nov 04,, 16:38

Fiji should be given a permanent UNSC seat.

They are the largest humans girthwise.

**Leader** · 01 Dec 04,, 02:40

Originally Posted by lemontree

PaulG/Veni vidi vici
Pardon my ignorance. Why all the sudden anti-french stuff amongst the US folks?

It's not "all [of a]... sudden."

**Leader** · 01 Dec 04,, 02:42

Originally Posted by M21Sniper

"Julie, France has a permanent seat on the UNSC already, they don't need US support or anything like that and the US can't do anything about it. "

Sure we can. We can veto every security measure they try to push through the UN.

Hmm...Haven't heard that before. Good Idea.