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New Breeding Program Aimed At Keeping Moderate Republicans From Going Extinct

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  • New Breeding Program Aimed At Keeping Moderate Republicans From Going Extinct

    New Breeding Program Aimed At Keeping Moderate Republicans From Going Extinct | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

    New Breeding Program Aimed At Keeping Moderate Republicans From Going Extinct
    NEWS • Politics • ISSUE 48•07 • Feb 13, 2012

    WASHINGTON—Saying the now critically endangered species of politician is at high risk for complete extinction within the next 10 years, Beltway-area conservationists announced plans Monday for a new captive breeding program designed to save moderate Republicans.

    According to members of the Initiative to Protect the Political Middle (IPPM), centrist Republicans, who once freely roamed the nation calling for both economic deregulation and a return to Reagan-era tax rates on the wealthy, are in dire need of protection, having lost large portions of their natural terrain to the highly territorial Evangelical and Tea Party breeds.

    "Our new program is designed to isolate the few remaining specimens of moderate Republicans, mate them in captivity, and then safely release these rare and precious creatures back into the electorate," said IPPM’s Cynthia Rollins, who traces the decline of the species to changes in the political climate and rampant, predatory fanaticism. "Within our safe, enclosed habitats, these middle-of-the-road Republican Party members can freely support increased funding for public education and even gay rights without being threatened by the far-right subgenus."


    Working within a narrow three-election-cycle window to reverse the decline before extinction becomes imminent, political conservationists told reporters they have already begun the arduous process of tracking down members of the elusive breed of sensible, non-reactionary public officeholders, which a generation ago was one of the most plentiful GOP species in existence.

    IPPM officials also said that while there is no guarantee they will ever be able to restore the moderate-Republican population to its once-teeming levels, "every effort must be made" to forcibly breed the species and at least keep it alive in the Midwest and Northeast, where its chances for survival remain highest.

    "Last week we shot Gov. Mitch Daniels with a tranquilizer dart from a blind we'd set up near the Indiana Capitol, and we plan on mating him very soon with a senator we trapped up in Maine," said IPPM reproductive expert Gabriel Burke, adding that forced breeding of centrist Republicans in captivity is a humane, carefully regulated procedure designed to simulate mating in the wild. "While captive specimens tend to be wary around each other at first, once they sense they're both opponents of labor unions yet also willing to make tough compromises on collective bargaining rights, the sexual ritual begins almost instantly."

    Added Burke, "In fact, one of our specimens, Sen. Scott Brown of Massachusetts, has already been mated with five or six other regional lawmakers in the past week alone."

    Though hopes for the captive breeding program remain high, many leading political conservationists note the number of optimal habitats for moderate, freethinking Republicans across the country has shrunk drastically, with studies showing the species may never again be able to recover in areas where it has been totally eradicated, such as the South and the GOP caucus in the House of Representatives.

    As they continue to search for nonextremist conservatives with the vaguest ability to compromise on social issues like abortion in cases of rape and incest, IPPM officials acknowledged they may be fighting a race against time.

    "The most difficult task we have is preserving members of this disappearing breed before the desperate need for votes forces them to begin parroting borderline racist anti-immigration ideologies and accusing their opponents of being socialists," tracker Phil Gandelman said. "We thought we had captured and tagged a truly exemplary specimen a few weeks ago, but when we studied the creature more closely, we realized it was just John McCain."

    "The poor little guy was so far gone we had to put him out of his misery," Gandelman added.

    Representatives for the IPPM said they hope their current effort will prove more successful than past attempt to propagate moderates by crossbreeding highly liberal and extreme conservative politicians, which ended in tragedy when Vermont senator Bernie Sanders was physically mauled and torn apart by Rep. Lynn Jenkins (R-KS).
    There is a cult of ignorance in the United States, and there has always been. The strain of anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that "My ignorance is just as good as your knowledge."- Isaac Asimov

  • #2
    "Last week we shot Gov. Mitch Daniels with a tranquilizer dart from a blind we'd set up near the Indiana Capitol, and we plan on mating him very soon with a senator we trapped up in Maine,"
    I think I just ruptured several major vital organs from laughter.
    “He was the most prodigious personification of all human inferiorities. He was an utterly incapable, unadapted, irresponsible, psychopathic personality, full of empty, infantile fantasies, but cursed with the keen intuition of a rat or a guttersnipe. He represented the shadow, the inferior part of everybody’s personality, in an overwhelming degree, and this was another reason why they fell for him.”

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    • #3
      "Last week we shot Gov. Mitch Daniels with a tranquilizer dart from a blind we'd set up near the Indiana Capitol, and we plan on mating him very soon with a senator we trapped up in Maine," said IPPM reproductive expert Gabriel Burke, adding that forced breeding of centrist Republicans in captivity is a humane, carefully regulated procedure designed to simulate mating in the wild. "While captive specimens tend to be wary around each other at first, once they sense they're both opponents of labor unions yet also willing to make tough compromises on collective bargaining rights, the sexual ritual begins almost instantly."
      Hilarious...

      "We thought we had captured and tagged a truly exemplary specimen a few weeks ago, but when we studied the creature more closely, we realized it was just John McCain."

      "The poor little guy was so far gone we had to put him out of his misery," Gandelman added.
      ....I may need an ambulance.:insane:
      sigpic

      Win nervously lose tragically - Reds C C

      Comment


      • #4
        Republicans in CA already qualify for the Endangered Species Act.
        "Only Nixon can go to China." -- Old Vulcan proverb.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by gunnut View Post
          Republicans in CA already qualify for the Endangered Species Act.
          A very well-earned status.
          Trust me?
          I'm an economist!

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by TopHatter View Post
            I think I just ruptured several major vital organs from laughter.
            I didnt do that but I launched a major snot rocket across the room from laughing so hard!!!!!


            The scary thing is somewhere Karl Rove is going "Hmmmm."
            “Loyalty to country ALWAYS. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it.”
            Mark Twain

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Albany Rifles View Post
              I didnt do that but I launched a major snot rocket across the room from laughing so hard!!!!!


              The scary thing is somewhere Karl Rove is going "Hmmmm."
              It is scary times for the GOP when the future of 'moderates' may actually depend on Karl Rove. Talk about bizarro universe.
              sigpic

              Win nervously lose tragically - Reds C C

              Comment


              • #8
                The Republican Party has moved so far to the left RIGHT, I MEANT RIGHT ! ! ! that it has abandon the center to the Democrats. Until and unless the GOP learns to purge its extremists, as Democrats did in the 1970s, there is little hope that they will significantly contribute to policy discourse.

                The two-party system that has evolved needs a loyal opposition. This version of the GOP doesn’t accept that, and therein lies the major obstacle to addressing the challenges facing our nation. Disagreement is fine, accepted and expected. But, if you can’t win sufficient votes – honestly – to exercise national power, simply blocking anything that might benefit the party in power is irresponsible, at best.

                Yes, I’m partisan. But, this is a serious analysis of today’s politics. Yes, Democrats have engaged in filibuster in the past, but never to this degree, and across the board on unrelated issues.


                [edit: stupid typo. . . ]
                Last edited by DOR; 20 Jun 13,, 08:55.
                Trust me?
                I'm an economist!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by DOR View Post
                  The Republican Party has moved so far to the left that it has abandon the center to the Democrats.
                  To the Left? I'm guessing a mis-type on your part?
                  “He was the most prodigious personification of all human inferiorities. He was an utterly incapable, unadapted, irresponsible, psychopathic personality, full of empty, infantile fantasies, but cursed with the keen intuition of a rat or a guttersnipe. He represented the shadow, the inferior part of everybody’s personality, in an overwhelming degree, and this was another reason why they fell for him.”

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    The thing is California has moved way to the left. Republicans has moved to the left as well, but not nearly as quickly. The shifting demographics and politics make the current California Republicans "appear" to be to the far right.

                    One other thing I've learned. Conservatives and libertarians will call themselves conservatives and libertarians. Liberals, democrats, and socialists call themselves "moderates." This is a huge reason why the GOP internal polls were fucked during the last election cycle.
                    "Only Nixon can go to China." -- Old Vulcan proverb.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by gunnut View Post
                      The thing is California has moved way to the left. Republicans has moved to the left as well, but not nearly as quickly. The shifting demographics and politics make the current California Republicans "appear" to be to the far right.

                      One other thing I've learned. Conservatives and libertarians will call themselves conservatives and libertarians. Liberals, democrats, and socialists call themselves "moderates." This is a huge reason why the GOP internal polls were fucked during the last election cycle.
                      gunnut,

                      You're right, of course.

                      Only the Democratic Party could possibily turn a massive budget deficit inherited from the previous administration into a surplus so large the independent legislative budget office calls the governor on the carpet to admonish him for downplaying the size of the improvement.

                      Fiscal responsibility, once again.
                      Trust me?
                      I'm an economist!

                      Comment

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