PDA

View Full Version : Animals that were never used in war?



The Chap
24 Aug 04,, 03:19
This is just for fun! Well. erm, obviously. But to kick off ...

If armoured elephant, why never armoured rhino? Imagine those bastards charging a line of the legion?!
If mastifs, why never Not-so-GentleBen. Cry Havoc and let slip the Ursine of war?
Amphibious assault Hippo anyone?
Lions in the arena? Release 'em on enemy turf! Should cause a few militia distractions ... Safe in the fields? Ancient area denial weapon.

You get the idea.

No dinosaurs or sabre-toothed cats please. Limit yourself to 5000 BC on. On the liberal side of this stricture: Cryptozoology allowed. With source

Confed999
24 Aug 04,, 03:41
War chickens... An efficent way to bring dinner for after the battle too.

Dragoon
24 Aug 04,, 05:06
The skunk/polecat is a often overlooked animal with great military potential :biggrin:

Dragoon

The Chap
24 Aug 04,, 05:23
War chickens... An efficent way to bring dinner for after the battle too.

I see the truth of this. Much irritating pecking and clucking could lead to untold havoc in enemy ranks. By inserting them behind enemy lines as feathered Spetznaz grain supplies could be destroyed. I have seen brave men try to chase and catch such table poultry. Many tried. Many just got pissed off or exhausted. Including Rocky in that Rocky film. The effect on morale alone as ration starved levies scrambled about the camp chasing a nice chicken dinner would be devastating and create utter chaos. The "whose got my fuckin' chickin" factor could potentially sow dissention between officers and men and is surely not to be underestimated.

The War Chicken (the French?) only falls down on lack of specified delivery system. As a skirmishing or insurgency force they are clearly superb. As a frontline/spearhead regiment they lack the ability to hold position and line. Their shock value (except to Chinese SARS victims) can be discounted. Hence ...

RATINGS ( out of 10 ) Idiot's verdict is final.

Practicality: 8
Fear Factor (double if you specify a troop unused to said creature): 2
Logistics: 9
Shock: 5 (who the fuck would have thought?)
Ballistic: ie archers on hefalumps: 3
Stupidity: 9

Giving the War Chicken a total of 36/60

Still more reliable than an SA-80

ZFBoxcar
24 Aug 04,, 05:30
For an army that has unreliable supply lines, the trained Racoon. It can forage all over for food and either bring back the food (clip a bag onto him or something) or lead people to it. Also in combat, it can give the enemy rabbies. :tongue:

The Chap
24 Aug 04,, 05:58
The skunk/polecat is a often overlooked animal with great military potential :biggrin:

Dragoon

Again, much like the French, a skunk seems to be most effective when it's arse is turned to the enemy. The "shock" factor of being sprayed with bum juice mitigates the lack of range. There is also much to be said for arctic ability. Black and white cammo. would allow enemy forces to over-confidently pass Skunk positions until suddenly ambushed by a barrage of icicle arse jizz on their flanks. That said, the noxious emmissions of our stinky warrior would most certainly contravene conventions on the use of chemical weapons. A Total War animalition only then.

The ability of the polecat to cunningly befriend the foe and thus maintain domicile within his neather garments as a "sleeper agent" is to be feared. Upon a pre-determined signal the agent - I shall call him "The Manchurian Polecat" would awake! Then he would take a big nip out of the enemy's bollocks. Being related to the mongoose it would be foolish to ignore the distinct possibility he would go for the "trouser snake" as well. Down side: limited utility. How many would be adopted as an underwear lodger?

Ratings (SKUNK):
P: 3
FF: 4 (only because of arctic)
LG: 8
SH: 7
B: 6
S:2 (I know this is dissappionting, but in WW2 SOS tried air dropping rats with timed fuses in wooden German cities). So they get the other 8 points.

Ratings (POLECAT):
P: 7
FF: 10
LG: 3
SH: 2 ( Remember; not shock as in "Oh my God, the little git has just chewed my left pod off" but shock vs fire.)
B: 0
S: 7

Given this is a combined op. I'm generously going to merge the scores ... giving 29.5/60. Not frontline, but both testicle munching and smelling like shit for one's bint on leave should be considered.

Confed999
24 Aug 04,, 23:15
I saw this on a forum in the far far away from long long ago....

Hampster Bombs!

Sick of the war? Sick of pretending that you care about all those dirty stinking foreigners the news keeps telling you are getting killed all the damn time but this time it's on the 6 o'clock news so of course it's really happening unlike all those other times when many many people were dying but the news decided to cover pretty white girls like Elizabeth Smart or Columbine or something really just so far more important?

Well, here's the solution: March on Washington! Put your demands to the Prez! We need to institute a new military sociodynamic industrialcereal complex policy!

We need to start Hampster Bombing! This has several advantages:



1)Freaks the fuck out of the enemy. After all, wouldn't you surrender after a few days of watching cute little fuzzy things fall out of the sky and go splat like oversized gooey paintballs? I mean really, if they'll do that to something cute and harmless, what the hell will they do to you?


2)Gets rid of the excess pet problem in this country. All those "animal-lovers" (even the phrase itself makes you wonder...) who don't bother to snip their pets, and either dump the next generation in the woods (yes, cry a bit and you'll be all better), or turn to the puppy pound prostitution institution, where the newly born innocents have to hump legs and bat their dewy eyes until they find a suitable set of suckers^H^H^H^H^H^H^H I mean a nice family (or more likely, well, you and I both know where puppies go before they visit that great kennel in the sky, and it's even got a nice conscience-salving euphemism, too), can be used to help win the war and stop all the badness! Because once we run out of hampsters, we can move on to the puppies and kittys and other cute little cuddly inconveniently overpopulated things.


3)It'll cheer up our soldiers. Hampsters = Teh Cute. Enemy Soldiers = All Sad and Angsty because they know what they're doing is just wrong wrong wrong.

Organize a hampster drive in your town, now!

-----------------------------------------------------------
The Reply:

We will fight you at the feeder. We will fight you on the exercise wheel. We will fight you, and never surrender!

Or at least until you give us parachutes.

Lunatock
24 Aug 04,, 23:44
Mongoose: Small, stealthy, can get through tiny openings in tents or make openings big enough to get in. Then steal important items from enemy tents. "Hey where is my clean socks & underwear?" or "I know it was you that ate my stashed food!"

Giant Hornets: Smaller and stealthier. Try busting any or all that may be wandering about an encampment at night. If they could be trained, the jaws on them would also be able to knaw through food containers, and tents. Spike food with thier venom, and use one of their methods of attack, spray venom in the eyes of sleeping soldiers.

Or perhaps the method they use to call for reinforcements at their nests, or wipe out honey bee colonies. One scout marks an enemy camp or line being formed, and a nice large number of them zero in on it and start stinging the hell out of anyone they can.

Officer of Engineers
25 Aug 04,, 04:47
What would it take to put my wife's cat into harm's way?

The Chap
25 Aug 04,, 06:05
What would it take to put my wife's cat into harm's way?

Probably fifty sponds if you asked pikey Dave at my local.

The Chap
25 Aug 04,, 06:13
I saw this on a forum in the far far away from long long ago....

Hampster Bombs!

Sick of the war? Sick of pretending that you care about all those dirty stinking foreigners the news keeps telling you are getting killed all the damn time but this time it's on the 6 o'clock news so of course it's really happening unlike all those other times when many many people were dying but the news decided to cover pretty white girls like Elizabeth Smart or Columbine or something really just so far more important?

Well, here's the solution: March on Washington! Put your demands to the Prez! We need to institute a new military sociodynamic industrialcereal complex policy!

We need to start Hampster Bombing! This has several advantages:



1)Freaks the fuck out of the enemy. After all, wouldn't you surrender after a few days of watching cute little fuzzy things fall out of the sky and go splat like oversized gooey paintballs? I mean really, if they'll do that to something cute and harmless, what the hell will they do to you?


2)Gets rid of the excess pet problem in this country. All those "animal-lovers" (even the phrase itself makes you wonder...) who don't bother to snip their pets, and either dump the next generation in the woods (yes, cry a bit and you'll be all better), or turn to the puppy pound prostitution institution, where the newly born innocents have to hump legs and bat their dewy eyes until they find a suitable set of suckers^H^H^H^H^H^H^H I mean a nice family (or more likely, well, you and I both know where puppies go before they visit that great kennel in the sky, and it's even got a nice conscience-salving euphemism, too), can be used to help win the war and stop all the badness! Because once we run out of hampsters, we can move on to the puppies and kittys and other cute little cuddly inconveniently overpopulated things.


3)It'll cheer up our soldiers. Hampsters = Teh Cute. Enemy Soldiers = All Sad and Angsty because they know what they're doing is just wrong wrong wrong.

Organize a hampster drive in your town, now!

-----------------------------------------------------------
The Reply:

We will fight you at the feeder. We will fight you on the exercise wheel. We will fight you, and never surrender!

Or at least until you give us parachutes.

This, whilst a delightful idea, must be dis-allowed. The Hampsters in question being dead, and as such, carrion, fall into the same bracket as other cold meats. Only living matter counts. Therefore no lobster bisque ground to air missiles will be considered. Or its ilk. So there. :tongue:

The Chap
25 Aug 04,, 06:23
Mongoose: Small, stealthy, can get through tiny openings in tents or make openings big enough to get in. Then steal important items from enemy tents. "Hey where is my clean socks & underwear?" or "I know it was you that ate my stashed food!"

Giant Hornets: Smaller and stealthier. Try busting any or all that may be wandering about an encampment at night. If they could be trained, the jaws on them would also be able to knaw through food containers, and tents. Spike food with thier venom, and use one of their methods of attack, spray venom in the eyes of sleeping soldiers.

Or perhaps the method they use to call for reinforcements at their nests, or wipe out honey bee colonies. One scout marks an enemy camp or line being formed, and a nice large number of them zero in on it and start stinging the hell out of anyone they can.
Mongoose familly has largely been covered. The Giant Hornet thing must be suspended for the moment pending further innovation. Only due to the fact that the ancient world commonly chucked wasp nests etc. (don't even try the pun; it's too easy ) into fortified positions. So in current form, has already been done. Sorry. :)

The Chap
25 Aug 04,, 06:32
Will get around to this one very soon. Promise! The gypsy of war needs a little more thought than my addled brain can currently manage.

ChrisF202
25 Aug 04,, 14:27
What would it take to put my wife's cat into harm's way?
What would it take to put my sisters horse into harms way? O wait, thats been done before :biggrin: Horses weigh something like 1,200 pounds so what if we loaded 10 horses into an C-130 and dropped them over the enemy positions ... they could take out a whole squad at once lol. A Horse-bomb.

Ok, you can call the SPCA Division of Law Enforcment now.

Lunatock
25 Aug 04,, 14:42
Mongoose familly has largely been covered. The Giant Hornet thing must be suspended for the moment pending further innovation. Only due to the fact that the ancient world commonly chucked wasp nests etc. (don't even try the pun; it's too easy ) into fortified positions. So in current form, has already been done. Sorry. :)

Ah but I was talking about training those bastards to attack. Hat's off to anyone taking on that task. (give 'em a hat to cover up a few stings on the noggin. :))

And the hanster bomb idea has been done already. Forgot which fortified city it was. But the Ancient Egyptians were laying siege to a fortified city. The soldiers defending the wall started rounding up cats, and threw them to their deaths from the wall. This really mortified the Egyptians, who considered cats to be sacred..and they packed up & left.

ZFBoxcar
25 Aug 04,, 16:33
The skunk/polecat is a often overlooked animal with great military potential

You're not the only one who thinks the skunk has military potential, check this out:

Israel devises new 'smelly' bomb

The Israeli army has devised a non-lethal way of keeping back Palestinian protesters - a smelly "skunk" bomb.

The stink bomb gives off a synthetic version of the odour emitted by skunks to keep their enemies at bay.

Trials showed that the weapon is so pungent it can stay in clothes for five years, say officials.

If implemented, the bomb could replace the army's use of rubber bullets, which has led to the deaths of many Palestinians in recent years.

The Israeli army - criticised for using excessive force in fighting the Palestinian uprising - said it was working to develop non-lethal weapons.

Security officials quoted by Reuters news agency say the smelly weapon is being developed as an alternative way of breaking up protests and stone-throwing confrontations.

Another weapon being devised is a fibreglass tank shell that disintegrates in the air, causing a large blast but no casualties, Reuters reports.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/3598734.stm

Dragoon
26 Aug 04,, 03:37
I am A Genius....., at least the voices say i am

Dragoon

Ironduke
26 Aug 04,, 07:35
Cats?

Lunatock
26 Aug 04,, 15:24
Yeah cats. The Ancient Egyptians had a high regard for cats.

Different animals than hamsters, but forcing Egypt to pack up and leave was the same method used as the proposed Hamster bombs.

The Chap
26 Aug 04,, 18:44
[QUOTE=Lunatock]Ah but I was talking about training those bastards to attack. Hat's off to anyone taking on that task. (give 'em a hat to cover up a few stings on the noggin. :))

I think that I saw something in the scientific press about remote controlled cockroaches for finding unfortunates burried undr rubble. Ditto rats. So I suppose in theory a swarm could be controlled in the near future by a faily simple algorithim. Cyborg attack swarm seems distubingly possible.

P: 9
FF: 8 ('til troops are issued with cans of Raid)
Logistics: 10
Shock: 9
B: 8
S:0

Total: 34 Best thus far.
Only let down by stuidity. Too disturbingly practicable, this is not in the least silly.

Dragoon
31 Aug 04,, 15:23
Concerning Giant Hornets.

I know honey bees and other insects release a phermone when they sting that triggers a powerful response causing every bee in the area to swarm and sting the target tagged with the phermone.

One cannister of aerosol with a pseudo phermone and a cannister of angy wsps or hornets..., :eek: damn this aint funny no more

Dragoon ( Now Shopping For a Kevlar bee Suit )

mostlymad
13 Sep 04,, 08:28
The Moose. Definitely. Fearless, solid, will charge just about naything, won't move out of the way of any vehicle and can take out the entire front of a 4X4 Blazer. I should know! :)

Officer of Engineers
14 Sep 04,, 03:43
The Moose. Definitely. Fearless, solid, will charge just about naything, won't move out of the way of any vehicle and can take out the entire front of a 4X4 Blazer. I should know! :)

Moose in Canada. Camels in the Middle East.

Confed999
14 Sep 04,, 04:00
Camels
I saw a fool, at the zoo, teasing a camel. He left the zoo covered in about a gallon of stinky camel spit. :biggrin:

The Chap
14 Sep 04,, 13:38
Moose in Canada. Camels in the Middle East.

Ahem! OoE
Animals that were NEVER used in war. So no Camels. :tongue:

Whilst I do not doubt the virtues of the sturdy moose I scan in vain for a military application beyond that of random motoring hazzard.

The moose will require some form of practical application beyond that of ruminent comic foil to an animated "flying squirrel". :biggrin: