Jokes

[Stinger]

Just a thread for any jokes you guys may have :D

Officers and NCO's

There were 2 groups of soldiers waiting on the platform to catch the train, 10 officers and 10 NCO's. The officers all had tickets, but noticed the group of NCO's purchased only one ticket. Curious about what they would do, the officers kept a close eye on the NCO's. A few minutes after boarding the train, the conductor came by to collect the passengers tickets. While he was busy with the other passengers, the group of NCO's got up and jammed into one of the small bathrooms in the car. The conductor came by knocked on the door, "ticket please." The NCO's slid the single ticket under the door and it was collected by the conductor. This made a very positive impression on the officers. They discussed the pros and cons and made up their minds to try the technique on the return trip. The next day the same two groups assembled at the train station. The group of officers brought one ticket and the NCO's didn't buy any. Puzzled by this move, the officers boarded the train and carefully watched the NCO's. The conductor appeared shortly after the start of the trip and the officers jammed into the bathroom. The NCO's headed for the adjoining bathroom. One NCO stopped, knocked on the officers' bathroom and said "ticket please." The NCO took the ticket and joined his comrades in the second bathroom.

[ChrisF202]

rofl

[Stinger]

Military Decorations & Award Standards
MARINES: Medals and badges are awarded for acts of gallantry and bravery only.
ARMY: Medals and badges are awarded for every bullet fired, every grenade thrown, every fitness test passed, and every bed made.
NAVY: Will have ships' engineers make medals for them as desired.
AIR FORCE: Will be issued all medals and badges, as they will most likely be awarded them at some point early in their careers anyway.

[bigross86]

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."
The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, the man says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks angry, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You¹re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob."

The man sighs and says, "It started..."

[Stinger]

Military Career Field Management
MARINES: All Marines shall be considered riflemen first and foremost.
ARMY: It doesn't matter, all career fields promote to E-8 in first enlistment anyway.
NAVY: Nobody knows. The Navy is still trying figure out what in the hell sailors in ABH, SMC, BNC and BSN rates do anyway.
AIR FORCE: Every recruit will be trained in a manner that will allow them to leave the service early to go on to higher paying civilian jobs.

[ChrisF202]

The AF seems to be the laziest of all the services, most over paid and pampered :p

[bigross86]

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered
that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem,
NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes
in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including
glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.
The Russians used a pencil.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is shit

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 lb. pack on his
back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles,
and says, "This is shit."

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb.
pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from
an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile,
"This is good shit!"

A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55 lb pack on his back, weapon
in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through
a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy
positions, says with a grin, "This really is great shit."

A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud
of a swamp with a 65 lb pack on his back and a weapon in both
hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into
the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several
alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through
the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this shit!"

An Air Force officer sits in an easy chair in his air
conditioned, carpeted BOQ room and says,
"The cable's out? What kind of shit is this?"

[bigross86]

VISIT BY LT. GEN. CLAUS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OPERATION ORDER 12-98 FOR:
OFFICIAL VISIT OF LIEUTENANT GENERAL CLAUS

1. An official staff visit by Lt. Gen. Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities for all personnel during the visit:

a. Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes Warrant Officers as well as mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Administration Officer. Stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office (See Brigade Admin Officer).

b. All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap no later than (NLT) 2200 hours, 24 Dec. Uniform for the nap will be: pajamas --cotton, light-weight, general purpose, olive-green; and cap -- battle-dress, utilities, Woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position.
Equipment will be drawn from the headquarters detachment supply room prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember, this is the "season of giving."

c. Personnel will utilize standard "T"-ration sugar plums for visions to dance in their heads. Sugar plums are available in "T"-ration sundry packs and should be eaten with egg loaf, chopped ham, and spice cake to ensure maximum visions are experienced. "T"-ration sundry packs can be picked up at the Dining Facility (DFAC) from 0800-1800 24 Dec 98.

d. Stockings -- wool, cushion sole, olive-green -- will be hung by the chimneys with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires caused by carelessly hung stockings. First sergeants will submit stocking handling plans to the S-3, Operations Officer, Training, prior to 0800 hours, 24 Dec. All Commanders will ensure their subordinate personnel attending mandatory stocking-hanging safety classes are briefed on the safety aspects of stocking-hanging by the Safety Officer (Chief Warrant Officer-5 Dishtowel). Stocking Safety will be taught 15 Dec 98 at 1900 in the Fest Tent. Stocking Licenses will be issued at that time. Stockings will be issued out of the Brown & Root laundry.

e. At first sound of clatter, all personnel will spring from their racks to investigate and evaluate the cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw up the window sashes. On order, Operations Plan (OPLAN)7-97 (North Pole Contingency), para 6-8-A9(3), dated 4 MAR, this office, takes effect to facilitate shutter-tearing and sash-throwing.
Brigade Battle Captain, BDOC Commander (NOT to be from Judge Advocate General per Army Regulation 27-1) and all Guards will be familiar with procedures and are responsible for seeing that no shutters are torn or sashes thrown in the Field Officer's Quarters (Bldg 9828) prior to the start of official clatter.

f. Prior to 0001 hours, date of visit, all personnel possessing Standard Target Acquisition and Night Observation (STANO) equipment will be assigned "wondering eyeball" stations. The Sergeant of the Guard will ensure that these stations are adequately manned even after shutters are torn and sashes are thrown.

g. The Brigade Logistics Officer, in coordination with the U.S. Transportation Command (Cin-CTrans) and the Motor Pool, will assign one each Sleigh, Miniature, M-24A3 and eight (8) reindeer, tiny, for use by LTG Claus. The assigned driver must have a current sleigh operator's license with rooftop permit and evidence of attendance at the winter driving class stamped on his Department of Army Form 348. Driver must also be able to clearly shout "On, Dancer! On, Prancer!" etc.

2. LTG Claus will initially enter Bldg 9828 through the day room. All buildings without chimneys will requisition Chimney Simulator, M6A2, for use during the visit. Request chimney simulator on Department of Army Form 2765-1, which will be submitted in four copies to the Logistics Officers prior to 23 DEC. Personnel will ensure that chimneys are properly cleaned before turn-in at the conclusion of visit.

3. Personnel will be rehearsed in the shouting of "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!" or "Merry Christmas To All, and To All a Good Night!" This shout will be given upon termination of the visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of the Brigade Sergeant Major.

FOR THE COMMANDER
(Signed)
R. U. Jolley
LTC, ADJ

[bigross86]

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This one's for Snipe:

How to tell you're an Old Soldier (aka Not Generation X)

1. You know what GDP means and still remember where yours was and how long it took to occupy.

2. You remember when we had tactical nukes and really planned to use them.

3. You remember spending hours in MOPP4 and doing M256 kits.

4. You remember when the M8 Claymore and M72 LAW were part of CTT.

5. You remember when ARTEPs were 36 hours and you had fun.

6. You remember when Carl Vouno was CG (8th ID(M);-)) and Max Thurman was head of recruiting command.

7. You know what a Gamma Goat and Goer were and could fix an M151A2 to run off one prop shaft.

8. You remember when the Israelis were bad asses and we all wanted to be like them.

9. You remember when Saddam Hussein was our loyal ally.

10. You remember when Airland Battle was a new concept, and everyone religiously read 100-5.

11. You know what the 'Cap Wineberger' Doctrine was.

12. You remember when the M16 was a plastic carbine, and you hoped for an M14.

13. You can remember going to the Club at Graf, drinking, and watching Margaret.

14. You personally know Margaret.

15. You know what is a "smokey" at Hohenfels.

16. You know the difference between the VRC46, VRC47, PRC77 and VRC160 and the requisite installation kits.

17. You know what a CEOI is and you can encrypt grids.

18. You remember when NTC was a new and cool concept.

19. You remember when it was real cool to go to SAMs or be an OC at NTC.

20. You remember when as a new LT/CPT you could go out and train your soldiers and not have an OC tell you how screwed up you were.

21. You remember BN Cdrs and 1SG's who were Vietnam Vets.

22. You remember Bn Cdrs who drank, swore and mentored.

23. You remember Bn Cdrs who were ruthless about tactics, but didn't give a crap about admin BS.

24. You remember when 2LTs and CPLs demanded respect from PFCs and got it.

25. You can navigate at night without a GPS.

26. You can remember OPDs about Clausewitz (aka dead Karl) which usually ended with beer drinking at the O' club.

27. You can remember when lanes training was a neat concept.

28. You can remember when 25-101 was a new concept.

29. You can remember when the defense budget was 7% of the GNP.

30. You can remember when the main battle area was the only fight.

31. You can remember when every ones career track was 10 years in Germany with 1st Armored Division at Ansbach.

32. You remember when the Soviet Union was a major super power instead (albeit the Russian Republic) of being a basket case for the IMF.

33. You could remember studying German concepts like mission tactics, and commander's intent and it was cool.

34. You could remember reading military history and it was in vogue, and going on staff rides because the Chief of Staff of the Army did it.

35. You could become a S3, XO, BN Cdr, or Bde Cdr without being Resident C&GSC graduate.

36. You could remember BN and BDE cdr's who were proud of being "non-resident" C&GSC guys.

37. You could receive a couple of "2-blocks" and it would not force you to look for employment on the outside.

38. You did not worry about OERs as a lieutenant.

39. You remember when privates bragged about the challenge they got in basic training, and how tough their drill sergeants were.

40. You remember when Sensitivity training was something your wife did.

41. You remember when Values Cards meant credit cards.

42. You remember when officers did not need values cards because they practiced values everyday.

43. You remember when going to the Pentagon was not cool and did not help your career.

44. You remember when power point was what a private did on butcher paper taped up on a board with "hundred-mile-an-hour" tape.

44. You remember when you could say hooah, because the Chief of Staff of the Army said it.

45. You remember when women in combat was just a bad idea that would soon fade away.

47. You remember when being hardcore and a warrior was cherished.

48. You remember that going to ranger school was cool and not for career progression.

49. You remember that more than one company commander was what studs did.

50. You could remember that going to Korea was like going to the field for twelve straight months, and only the hard-core guys extended.

51. You could remember when you could maneuver anywhere you wanted in Korea and it was not a big deal.

52. You could remember when "maneuver damage" was paid lip-service.

53. You could remember when you could "Major" in ROTC.

[ChrisF202]

nice list, ill try and find some ive seen over the years

[Captain C]

A salty Navy Chief and a crusty Army First Sergeant are at a bar arguing about who had the tougher career.
“I did 30 years in the Rangers,” the SFC declared proudly, “and fought in three of my country’s wars. Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade.
As a sergeant, I fought in Korea along side General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire.
Finally, as a staff and first sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire at night. In a fire fight, we’d shoot until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we’d charge the enemy with bayonets!”
Looking straight ahead, the Chief says nothing. Then after a deliberately long, slow drink, the Chief says, “Yeah, figures...all shore duty.”

[Captain C]

Military Differences

HAIRCUT STANDARDS FOR THE ARMED FORCES

MARINES: Heads will be shaved.

ARMY: Stylish flat-tops for all recruits.

NAVY: No haircut standard.

AIR FORCE: Complete make-overs as seen on the Jenny Jones show.

The General was ordered by the Secretary of Defense to gather his officers from the Army, Navy, Marine Corps, and Air Force and try and figure out why there’s so much difficulty in communicating with each other.

The General gathers his Captains (and his Navy Lieutenant), and tells them their first task is to “secure” a particular building. He orders them to go home and prepare a list of steps for the plan and bring them back to him the next morning.

The Navy Lieutenant calls his Master Chief and says: Tell those swabs to:
-- Unplug the coffeepots
-- Turn off the computers
-- Turn out the lights
-- Lock the doors and leave the building unoccupied

The Army Captain has his list in his notepad:
-- Assemble the company
-- Appoint guard mount and Sergeant of the Guard
-- Take control of all exits
-- Make sure no one gets into the building without a pass

The Marine Corps Captain writes down her steps on palm of her hand:
-- Assemble the platoon and supplies
-- Approach the building along three axis
-- Bring the building under mortar and SAW fire
-- Assault the building under covering fire
-- Sequester surviving prisoners
-- Establish lanes of fire
-- Prepare artillery calls
-- Repel counterattacks

The Air Force Captain types his list into his laptop:
-- Contact real estate agent
-- Negotiate 1-year lease
-- Be sure to get option to buy

MEAL STANDARDS FOR THE ARMED FORCES
MARINES: Meals, Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.
ARMY: One hot meal, 2 MRE’s.
NAVY: 3 hot meals.
AIR FORCE: Catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Child, Wolfgang Puck and Emeril Lagasse. All you can eat.

The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available.

The colonel called the first butter-bar into his office and said, “This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1700, what would you do?”

The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said, “Sir. I would get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging.“

“You’re not ready to be promoted,” the Colonel interrupted.

The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.

“Sir,” said the next butter-bar, “I would fill out a CE work order, making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study and . . . “

“You are definitely not ready to be promoted,” the Colonel said.

The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate.

Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, “Sir. I would call the First Sergeant, and say, ‘Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole in front of HQ by 1700!”

“You’re ready to be promoted,” the Colonel said.

(Note: This was an actual letter sent to a major newspaper.
It obviously was from someone in Palm Beach.)

Dear Editor,

Today is Veterans Day, so I asked someone who had been in the Armed Service what he did in the military. He said, “I was in the Pacific Theater.” I asked him if any other GIs were with him. He said “Yes, there were thousands of us in the Pacific Theater.” I asked him how much time he spent in the Pacific Theater. He said that he was in the Pacific Theater every day for five months!

I certainly believe that our fighting men need some recreation, but I think that they don’t need to be in the movie theater that long. Back in 1944, for example, our boys in uniform were having a tough time on the beaches of Normandy - yet there were thousands of GIs off in the movie theater who could have been helping out. And as a Concerned American, I think it is a bit excessive for a serviceman to be at the picture show every day for five months. Of course, all Veterans were not in the Pacific Theater, and we should be proud of those who fought and who made sacrifices.

A Concerned American
Palm Beach, Florida

A rather old minesweeper was cruising a lonely stretch of the South Pacific and was overtaken by a new Australian cruiser.

All the US sailors admired the new ship and the Captain sent a blinker- light message to the Aussies: “You are beautiful.”

Less than 10 seconds later, the Aussie ship blinkered back: “I’ll bet you say that to all the ships.”

The difference in “Military Intelligence”

Take the Army, for instance. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Army private wakes up from a bellow from the First Sergeant. He grabs a set of BDUs out of his foot locker, gets dressed, runs down to the chow-hall for a breakfast on the run, then jumps in his tank. Pretty soon, the Platoon Commander arrives, gives him a big salute, and says, “Give ‘em Hell, men.”

Now take the Marines. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Marine recruit is kicked out of bed by his First Sergeant, puts on a muddy set of BDUs because he just got back in from the field three hours before. He gets no breakfast, but is told to feel free to chew on his boots. He runs out and forms up with
his rifle. Pretty soon, his platoon commander comes out, a young Captain, Gives his Marines a Sharp Salute, and says, “Give ‘em Hell, Marines!”

Now take the Navy. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Sailor is eating breakfast in the messroom.. He walks 20 feet to his battle station, stuffing extra pastries in his pocket as he goes. There he sits, in the middle of a steel target, with nowhere to run, when the Captain comes on the 1MC and says, “Give ‘em Hell, Sailors! I salute you!”

Now the Air Force. When the stuff hits the fan, the Airman receives a phone call in his off-base quarters. He gets up, showers, shaves, and puts on a fresh uniform he had just picked up from the BX cleaners the day before. He jumps in his car, and stops at McDonalds for a McMuffin on his way into work. Once he arrives at work, he signs in on the duty roster and proceeds to his F-16. He spends 30 minutes pre-flighting it, signs off the forms. Pretty soon the Pilot, a young captain gets out and straps into the Plane. He starts the engines. Our Young Airman stands at attention, gives the Captain a sharp salute, and says, “Give ‘em Hell, Sir!”

“When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional. I’m getting out before it becomes mandatory.” General J. Wickam, U S Army, Retired

[Captain C]

The Navy, Army, and Air Force decided to have a crew team race on the Ottawa River. The teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Navy won by a mile.
Afterwards, the Air Force team became very discouraged and depressed. The officers of the Air Force team decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A “Consultant Team”, made up of senior officers, was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was that the Navy had eight seamen rowing and one officer steering, while the Air Force had one airman rowing and eight officers steering.
The senior officers of the Air Force team hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.
To prevent losing to the Navy again next year, the Air Force Chief of Staff made historic and sweeping changes. The rowing team’s organizational structure was totally realigned to:

Four steering officers
Three area steering superintendents
One assistant superintendent steering CO

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the one airman rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the “Air Force Rowing Team Quality Program”, with meetings, dinners, and a three day pass for the rower. “We MUST give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program”.
The next year, the Navy won by two miles.
Humiliated, the Air Force leadership, in the hopes the beleaguered steering officers would stay for next year’s race; gave a letter of reprimand to the rower for poor performance; initiated a $4 billion program for development of a new joint-service canoe; blamed the loss on a design defect in the oars; issued career continuation bonuses; and leather rowing jackets to the steering officers.
.....Meanwhile, the Army team is still trying to figure out why the oars are making divots in the grass....

[Captain C]

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a HUGE wall of clocks behind him. She asked, “What are the reasons for all those clocks?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks.... Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said Hillary, “whose clock is that?”
“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she has never told a lie in all her long life.”
“And whose clock is that?” said Hillary.
“That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Honest Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life.”
“Where’s Bill’s clock?” Hillary asked.
“Bill’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

[Captain C]

(Raided from BR)

At a small airport terminal in Eastern Montana, 3 strangers are waiting for their flight. One is a Native American and one is a local Rancher on his way to Denver for a stock convention. The other is an Arab Student, newly arrived in Montana from the Middle East.
To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim and is mostly radical in his beliefs. The conversation soon falls into an uneasy lull.
The Cowboy leans back in the chair, crosses his boots on the magazine table and drops the sweat-stained hat over his face. The wind outside blows through the sagebrush and the airport windsock flaps but no airplane comes.
Finally, the Native American clears his throat and says sadly, "Once my people were many but now we are few."
The Muslim extremist raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Radical Muslims yet."