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Stinger
12 Aug 03,, 17:17
Just a thread for any jokes you guys may have :D

Officers and NCO's

There were 2 groups of soldiers waiting on the platform to catch the train, 10 officers and 10 NCO's. The officers all had tickets, but noticed the group of NCO's purchased only one ticket. Curious about what they would do, the officers kept a close eye on the NCO's. A few minutes after boarding the train, the conductor came by to collect the passengers tickets. While he was busy with the other passengers, the group of NCO's got up and jammed into one of the small bathrooms in the car. The conductor came by knocked on the door, "ticket please." The NCO's slid the single ticket under the door and it was collected by the conductor. This made a very positive impression on the officers. They discussed the pros and cons and made up their minds to try the technique on the return trip. The next day the same two groups assembled at the train station. The group of officers brought one ticket and the NCO's didn't buy any. Puzzled by this move, the officers boarded the train and carefully watched the NCO's. The conductor appeared shortly after the start of the trip and the officers jammed into the bathroom. The NCO's headed for the adjoining bathroom. One NCO stopped, knocked on the officers' bathroom and said "ticket please." The NCO took the ticket and joined his comrades in the second bathroom.

ChrisF202
12 Aug 03,, 17:37
rofl

Stinger
13 Aug 03,, 13:32
Military Decorations & Award Standards
MARINES: Medals and badges are awarded for acts of gallantry and bravery only.
ARMY: Medals and badges are awarded for every bullet fired, every grenade thrown, every fitness test passed, and every bed made.
NAVY: Will have ships' engineers make medals for them as desired.
AIR FORCE: Will be issued all medals and badges, as they will most likely be awarded them at some point early in their careers anyway.

bigross86
14 Aug 03,, 11:40
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."
The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, the man says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks angry, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You¹re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob."

The man sighs and says, "It started..."

Stinger
15 Aug 03,, 14:55
Military Career Field Management
MARINES: All Marines shall be considered riflemen first and foremost.
ARMY: It doesn't matter, all career fields promote to E-8 in first enlistment anyway.
NAVY: Nobody knows. The Navy is still trying figure out what in the hell sailors in ABH, SMC, BNC and BSN rates do anyway.
AIR FORCE: Every recruit will be trained in a manner that will allow them to leave the service early to go on to higher paying civilian jobs.

ChrisF202
15 Aug 03,, 16:20
The AF seems to be the laziest of all the services, most over paid and pampered :p

bigross86
15 Aug 03,, 16:39
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered
that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem,
NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes
in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including
glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.
The Russians used a pencil.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is shit

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 lb. pack on his
back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles,
and says, "This is shit."

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb.
pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from
an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile,
"This is good shit!"

A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55 lb pack on his back, weapon
in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through
a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy
positions, says with a grin, "This really is great shit."

A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud
of a swamp with a 65 lb pack on his back and a weapon in both
hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into
the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several
alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through
the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this shit!"

An Air Force officer sits in an easy chair in his air
conditioned, carpeted BOQ room and says,
"The cable's out? What kind of shit is this?"

bigross86
15 Aug 03,, 16:41
VISIT BY LT. GEN. CLAUS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OPERATION ORDER 12-98 FOR:
OFFICIAL VISIT OF LIEUTENANT GENERAL CLAUS

1. An official staff visit by Lt. Gen. Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities for all personnel during the visit:

a. Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes Warrant Officers as well as mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Administration Officer. Stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office (See Brigade Admin Officer).

b. All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap no later than (NLT) 2200 hours, 24 Dec. Uniform for the nap will be: pajamas --cotton, light-weight, general purpose, olive-green; and cap -- battle-dress, utilities, Woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position.
Equipment will be drawn from the headquarters detachment supply room prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember, this is the "season of giving."

c. Personnel will utilize standard "T"-ration sugar plums for visions to dance in their heads. Sugar plums are available in "T"-ration sundry packs and should be eaten with egg loaf, chopped ham, and spice cake to ensure maximum visions are experienced. "T"-ration sundry packs can be picked up at the Dining Facility (DFAC) from 0800-1800 24 Dec 98.

d. Stockings -- wool, cushion sole, olive-green -- will be hung by the chimneys with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires caused by carelessly hung stockings. First sergeants will submit stocking handling plans to the S-3, Operations Officer, Training, prior to 0800 hours, 24 Dec. All Commanders will ensure their subordinate personnel attending mandatory stocking-hanging safety classes are briefed on the safety aspects of stocking-hanging by the Safety Officer (Chief Warrant Officer-5 Dishtowel). Stocking Safety will be taught 15 Dec 98 at 1900 in the Fest Tent. Stocking Licenses will be issued at that time. Stockings will be issued out of the Brown & Root laundry.

e. At first sound of clatter, all personnel will spring from their racks to investigate and evaluate the cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw up the window sashes. On order, Operations Plan (OPLAN)7-97 (North Pole Contingency), para 6-8-A9(3), dated 4 MAR, this office, takes effect to facilitate shutter-tearing and sash-throwing.
Brigade Battle Captain, BDOC Commander (NOT to be from Judge Advocate General per Army Regulation 27-1) and all Guards will be familiar with procedures and are responsible for seeing that no shutters are torn or sashes thrown in the Field Officer's Quarters (Bldg 9828) prior to the start of official clatter.

f. Prior to 0001 hours, date of visit, all personnel possessing Standard Target Acquisition and Night Observation (STANO) equipment will be assigned "wondering eyeball" stations. The Sergeant of the Guard will ensure that these stations are adequately manned even after shutters are torn and sashes are thrown.

g. The Brigade Logistics Officer, in coordination with the U.S. Transportation Command (Cin-CTrans) and the Motor Pool, will assign one each Sleigh, Miniature, M-24A3 and eight (8) reindeer, tiny, for use by LTG Claus. The assigned driver must have a current sleigh operator's license with rooftop permit and evidence of attendance at the winter driving class stamped on his Department of Army Form 348. Driver must also be able to clearly shout "On, Dancer! On, Prancer!" etc.

2. LTG Claus will initially enter Bldg 9828 through the day room. All buildings without chimneys will requisition Chimney Simulator, M6A2, for use during the visit. Request chimney simulator on Department of Army Form 2765-1, which will be submitted in four copies to the Logistics Officers prior to 23 DEC. Personnel will ensure that chimneys are properly cleaned before turn-in at the conclusion of visit.

3. Personnel will be rehearsed in the shouting of "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!" or "Merry Christmas To All, and To All a Good Night!" This shout will be given upon termination of the visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of the Brigade Sergeant Major.

FOR THE COMMANDER
(Signed)
R. U. Jolley
LTC, ADJ

bigross86
15 Aug 03,, 16:46
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This one's for Snipe:

How to tell you're an Old Soldier (aka Not Generation X)

1. You know what GDP means and still remember where yours was and how long it took to occupy.

2. You remember when we had tactical nukes and really planned to use them.

3. You remember spending hours in MOPP4 and doing M256 kits.

4. You remember when the M8 Claymore and M72 LAW were part of CTT.

5. You remember when ARTEPs were 36 hours and you had fun.

6. You remember when Carl Vouno was CG (8th ID(M);-)) and Max Thurman was head of recruiting command.

7. You know what a Gamma Goat and Goer were and could fix an M151A2 to run off one prop shaft.

8. You remember when the Israelis were bad asses and we all wanted to be like them.

9. You remember when Saddam Hussein was our loyal ally.

10. You remember when Airland Battle was a new concept, and everyone religiously read 100-5.

11. You know what the 'Cap Wineberger' Doctrine was.

12. You remember when the M16 was a plastic carbine, and you hoped for an M14.

13. You can remember going to the Club at Graf, drinking, and watching Margaret.

14. You personally know Margaret.

15. You know what is a "smokey" at Hohenfels.

16. You know the difference between the VRC46, VRC47, PRC77 and VRC160 and the requisite installation kits.

17. You know what a CEOI is and you can encrypt grids.

18. You remember when NTC was a new and cool concept.

19. You remember when it was real cool to go to SAMs or be an OC at NTC.

20. You remember when as a new LT/CPT you could go out and train your soldiers and not have an OC tell you how screwed up you were.

21. You remember BN Cdrs and 1SG's who were Vietnam Vets.

22. You remember Bn Cdrs who drank, swore and mentored.

23. You remember Bn Cdrs who were ruthless about tactics, but didn't give a crap about admin BS.

24. You remember when 2LTs and CPLs demanded respect from PFCs and got it.

25. You can navigate at night without a GPS.

26. You can remember OPDs about Clausewitz (aka dead Karl) which usually ended with beer drinking at the O' club.

27. You can remember when lanes training was a neat concept.

28. You can remember when 25-101 was a new concept.

29. You can remember when the defense budget was 7% of the GNP.

30. You can remember when the main battle area was the only fight.

31. You can remember when every ones career track was 10 years in Germany with 1st Armored Division at Ansbach.

32. You remember when the Soviet Union was a major super power instead (albeit the Russian Republic) of being a basket case for the IMF.

33. You could remember studying German concepts like mission tactics, and commander's intent and it was cool.

34. You could remember reading military history and it was in vogue, and going on staff rides because the Chief of Staff of the Army did it.

35. You could become a S3, XO, BN Cdr, or Bde Cdr without being Resident C&GSC graduate.

36. You could remember BN and BDE cdr's who were proud of being "non-resident" C&GSC guys.

37. You could receive a couple of "2-blocks" and it would not force you to look for employment on the outside.

38. You did not worry about OERs as a lieutenant.

39. You remember when privates bragged about the challenge they got in basic training, and how tough their drill sergeants were.

40. You remember when Sensitivity training was something your wife did.

41. You remember when Values Cards meant credit cards.

42. You remember when officers did not need values cards because they practiced values everyday.

43. You remember when going to the Pentagon was not cool and did not help your career.

44. You remember when power point was what a private did on butcher paper taped up on a board with "hundred-mile-an-hour" tape.

44. You remember when you could say hooah, because the Chief of Staff of the Army said it.

45. You remember when women in combat was just a bad idea that would soon fade away.

47. You remember when being hardcore and a warrior was cherished.

48. You remember that going to ranger school was cool and not for career progression.

49. You remember that more than one company commander was what studs did.

50. You could remember that going to Korea was like going to the field for twelve straight months, and only the hard-core guys extended.

51. You could remember when you could maneuver anywhere you wanted in Korea and it was not a big deal.

52. You could remember when "maneuver damage" was paid lip-service.

53. You could remember when you could "Major" in ROTC.

ChrisF202
15 Aug 03,, 17:03
nice list, ill try and find some ive seen over the years

Captain C
16 Aug 03,, 10:03
A salty Navy Chief and a crusty Army First Sergeant are at a bar arguing about who had the tougher career.
“I did 30 years in the Rangers,” the SFC declared proudly, “and fought in three of my country’s wars. Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade.
As a sergeant, I fought in Korea along side General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire.
Finally, as a staff and first sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire at night. In a fire fight, we’d shoot until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we’d charge the enemy with bayonets!”
Looking straight ahead, the Chief says nothing. Then after a deliberately long, slow drink, the Chief says, “Yeah, figures...all shore duty.”

Captain C
16 Aug 03,, 10:05
HAIRCUT STANDARDS FOR THE ARMED FORCES

MARINES: Heads will be shaved.

ARMY: Stylish flat-tops for all recruits.

NAVY: No haircut standard.

AIR FORCE: Complete make-overs as seen on the Jenny Jones show.

The General was ordered by the Secretary of Defense to gather his officers from the Army, Navy, Marine Corps, and Air Force and try and figure out why there’s so much difficulty in communicating with each other.

The General gathers his Captains (and his Navy Lieutenant), and tells them their first task is to “secure” a particular building. He orders them to go home and prepare a list of steps for the plan and bring them back to him the next morning.

The Navy Lieutenant calls his Master Chief and says: Tell those swabs to:
-- Unplug the coffeepots
-- Turn off the computers
-- Turn out the lights
-- Lock the doors and leave the building unoccupied

The Army Captain has his list in his notepad:
-- Assemble the company
-- Appoint guard mount and Sergeant of the Guard
-- Take control of all exits
-- Make sure no one gets into the building without a pass

The Marine Corps Captain writes down her steps on palm of her hand:
-- Assemble the platoon and supplies
-- Approach the building along three axis
-- Bring the building under mortar and SAW fire
-- Assault the building under covering fire
-- Sequester surviving prisoners
-- Establish lanes of fire
-- Prepare artillery calls
-- Repel counterattacks

The Air Force Captain types his list into his laptop:
-- Contact real estate agent
-- Negotiate 1-year lease
-- Be sure to get option to buy

MEAL STANDARDS FOR THE ARMED FORCES
MARINES: Meals, Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.
ARMY: One hot meal, 2 MRE’s.
NAVY: 3 hot meals.
AIR FORCE: Catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Child, Wolfgang Puck and Emeril Lagasse. All you can eat.

The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available.

The colonel called the first butter-bar into his office and said, “This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1700, what would you do?”

The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said, “Sir. I would get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging.“

“You’re not ready to be promoted,” the Colonel interrupted.

The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.

“Sir,” said the next butter-bar, “I would fill out a CE work order, making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study and . . . “

“You are definitely not ready to be promoted,” the Colonel said.

The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate.

Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, “Sir. I would call the First Sergeant, and say, ‘Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole in front of HQ by 1700!”

“You’re ready to be promoted,” the Colonel said.

(Note: This was an actual letter sent to a major newspaper.
It obviously was from someone in Palm Beach.)

Dear Editor,

Today is Veterans Day, so I asked someone who had been in the Armed Service what he did in the military. He said, “I was in the Pacific Theater.” I asked him if any other GIs were with him. He said “Yes, there were thousands of us in the Pacific Theater.” I asked him how much time he spent in the Pacific Theater. He said that he was in the Pacific Theater every day for five months!

I certainly believe that our fighting men need some recreation, but I think that they don’t need to be in the movie theater that long. Back in 1944, for example, our boys in uniform were having a tough time on the beaches of Normandy - yet there were thousands of GIs off in the movie theater who could have been helping out. And as a Concerned American, I think it is a bit excessive for a serviceman to be at the picture show every day for five months. Of course, all Veterans were not in the Pacific Theater, and we should be proud of those who fought and who made sacrifices.

A Concerned American
Palm Beach, Florida

A rather old minesweeper was cruising a lonely stretch of the South Pacific and was overtaken by a new Australian cruiser.

All the US sailors admired the new ship and the Captain sent a blinker- light message to the Aussies: “You are beautiful.”

Less than 10 seconds later, the Aussie ship blinkered back: “I’ll bet you say that to all the ships.”

The difference in “Military Intelligence”

Take the Army, for instance. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Army private wakes up from a bellow from the First Sergeant. He grabs a set of BDUs out of his foot locker, gets dressed, runs down to the chow-hall for a breakfast on the run, then jumps in his tank. Pretty soon, the Platoon Commander arrives, gives him a big salute, and says, “Give ‘em Hell, men.”

Now take the Marines. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Marine recruit is kicked out of bed by his First Sergeant, puts on a muddy set of BDUs because he just got back in from the field three hours before. He gets no breakfast, but is told to feel free to chew on his boots. He runs out and forms up with
his rifle. Pretty soon, his platoon commander comes out, a young Captain, Gives his Marines a Sharp Salute, and says, “Give ‘em Hell, Marines!”

Now take the Navy. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Sailor is eating breakfast in the messroom.. He walks 20 feet to his battle station, stuffing extra pastries in his pocket as he goes. There he sits, in the middle of a steel target, with nowhere to run, when the Captain comes on the 1MC and says, “Give ‘em Hell, Sailors! I salute you!”

Now the Air Force. When the stuff hits the fan, the Airman receives a phone call in his off-base quarters. He gets up, showers, shaves, and puts on a fresh uniform he had just picked up from the BX cleaners the day before. He jumps in his car, and stops at McDonalds for a McMuffin on his way into work. Once he arrives at work, he signs in on the duty roster and proceeds to his F-16. He spends 30 minutes pre-flighting it, signs off the forms. Pretty soon the Pilot, a young captain gets out and straps into the Plane. He starts the engines. Our Young Airman stands at attention, gives the Captain a sharp salute, and says, “Give ‘em Hell, Sir!”

“When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional. I’m getting out before it becomes mandatory.” General J. Wickam, U S Army, Retired

Captain C
16 Aug 03,, 10:05
The Navy, Army, and Air Force decided to have a crew team race on the Ottawa River. The teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Navy won by a mile.
Afterwards, the Air Force team became very discouraged and depressed. The officers of the Air Force team decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A “Consultant Team”, made up of senior officers, was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was that the Navy had eight seamen rowing and one officer steering, while the Air Force had one airman rowing and eight officers steering.
The senior officers of the Air Force team hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.
To prevent losing to the Navy again next year, the Air Force Chief of Staff made historic and sweeping changes. The rowing team’s organizational structure was totally realigned to:

Four steering officers
Three area steering superintendents
One assistant superintendent steering CO

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the one airman rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the “Air Force Rowing Team Quality Program”, with meetings, dinners, and a three day pass for the rower. “We MUST give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program”.
The next year, the Navy won by two miles.
Humiliated, the Air Force leadership, in the hopes the beleaguered steering officers would stay for next year’s race; gave a letter of reprimand to the rower for poor performance; initiated a $4 billion program for development of a new joint-service canoe; blamed the loss on a design defect in the oars; issued career continuation bonuses; and leather rowing jackets to the steering officers.
.....Meanwhile, the Army team is still trying to figure out why the oars are making divots in the grass....

Captain C
16 Aug 03,, 10:07
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a HUGE wall of clocks behind him. She asked, “What are the reasons for all those clocks?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks.... Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said Hillary, “whose clock is that?”
“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she has never told a lie in all her long life.”
“And whose clock is that?” said Hillary.
“That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Honest Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life.”
“Where’s Bill’s clock?” Hillary asked.
“Bill’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

Captain C
16 Aug 03,, 10:08
(Raided from BR)

At a small airport terminal in Eastern Montana, 3 strangers are waiting for their flight. One is a Native American and one is a local Rancher on his way to Denver for a stock convention. The other is an Arab Student, newly arrived in Montana from the Middle East.
To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim and is mostly radical in his beliefs. The conversation soon falls into an uneasy lull.
The Cowboy leans back in the chair, crosses his boots on the magazine table and drops the sweat-stained hat over his face. The wind outside blows through the sagebrush and the airport windsock flaps but no airplane comes.
Finally, the Native American clears his throat and says sadly, "Once my people were many but now we are few."
The Muslim extremist raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Radical Muslims yet."

Captain C
16 Aug 03,, 10:09
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. They picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."

God listened patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's have a man making contest." To which the man replied, "OK, great!"

But God added, "Now we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"

:)Clp

bigross86
16 Aug 03,, 20:16
A foreign reporter asks the IDF if he can join them on a mission. The HQ says no, but he can join them on a training mission. When asked what he wanted to tag along on, he said a paratrooper mission. The day comes, and he sits in on the briefing. After the briefing he gets a personal brief on emergency procedures. The Lt. says "If the main chute doesn't open, hit the reserve, if the reserve doesn't open, pray" The reporter is shocked "What do you mean pray?!?!?!" The Lt. says "Hey, it works for us" The reporter goes up, and what do you know, both his chutes fail. So he starts praying. Amazingly, this massive hand comes down from the sky and catches him, gently letting him down on the ground. The reporter looks at the giant hand and mutters to himself "Jesus Christ!" The hand than proceeded to crush him.

Stinger
19 Aug 03,, 14:09
Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an
orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence,
both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was
slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake
and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a
bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt
you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going.
In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the
same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never
knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for
you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake
slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with
soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you
have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over
with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're
smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and
no balls. I'd say you must be French".

Courtesy of Boomer from WT.

bigross86
19 Aug 03,, 14:22
That is one the most versatile jokes out there. The snake can be anything from Lawyer, to Politician, to French, even heard the snake being called a woman once. (Speaking of which, are there any women members on the forum?)

ChrisF202
19 Aug 03,, 15:59
That is one the most versatile jokes out there. The snake can be anything from Lawyer, to Politician, to French, even heard the snake being called a woman once. (Speaking of which, are there any women members on the forum?)

I dont think we have any female members .... not sure :)

bigross86
19 Aug 03,, 22:45
Well, what are you just standing there for?!?!?! Go and get some!!!

Stinger
20 Aug 03,, 16:56
Never Trust a Sailor
A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit every night, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

bigross86
20 Aug 03,, 17:03
LOLOL!!!! I like that dude! He's got the right idea. :G :Dbanana :)Clp :D :twisted: :p

Stinger
29 Aug 03,, 17:06
God Tests Navy Seals Intellegence
One day a squad of Navy Seals was making for an objective in their rubber boat. With each stroke of the paddle, they whispered that particularly unique Seal grunt - ooyah. Ooyah ... ooyah ... ooyah. God looked down from above and was beside himself with pride knowing that He could not have done any better than when He made HIS Seals.

Thinking to Himself, God decided to test precisely just how good His Seals were in fact. God raised His arms and "ZAP", took away 1/2 of all the Seals brains in the dingy. There they were, seven Seals in a dingy, still making for their objective - ooyah, ooyah, ooyah.

With glee God rub his hands, then raised his arms again and "ZAP", He took away 1/2 of the Seals remaining brains. The Seals in their rubber dingy, making for their objective now had only 1/4 of their original brains. Still, determined, they stroked on - ooyah, ooyah, ooyah.

God was nearly hysterical with joy over knowing that His creation could still function as a viable, forward deployed, tactical fighting force with very nearly all of their brains removed. Dare I, thought God? Shall I? YES! And God raised his arms and in an instant, "ZAP"! God took away all of the seals remaining brains.

And there they were, a seven man forward deployed, tactical fighting force, in a rubber dingy, with no brains, making for their objective - singing - "From the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli, We fight our countries battles..."

Ironduke
29 Aug 03,, 17:48
That is one the most versatile jokes out there. The snake can be anything from Lawyer, to Politician, to French, even heard the snake being called a woman once. (Speaking of which, are there any women members on the forum?)

I dont think we have any female members .... not sure :)
Julie..... I think Gio knows her or something. She's posted once.

bigross86
30 Aug 03,, 21:22
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful
young woman was waiting for the bus.
Dressed up for work, she was wearing a very tight mini skirt.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn
to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was
too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step.
So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the
bus driver she reached behind her and
unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give
her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover
she still could not make the step.
So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached
behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.
And for a second time she attempted the step and once again,
much to her disgust she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending
skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up
easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him
''How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!! ''
At this the Texan drawled, ''Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.''
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames.

The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed entirely of menchen over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine operated by this Jewish Fire Department passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant.....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside the other firemen watched as the Jewish old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Jewish old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Jewish fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Well," said Ami Hertzfeld, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we are going to do is fix the brakes on that stinking truck!"

Stinger
09 Sep 03,, 16:40
And now for something completly different
One day, while speeding in his car on munitions bridge at Langley AFB, Virginia, a doctor was speed gunned by the Local Air Policeman and stopped for a big ticket writing party. The young AP noticed that the man he stopped was a doctor, and being curious, asked the doctor what he did at the base hospital, to pass the time while he wrote the ticket.

The doctor replied that he worked mostly in the flight medicine center, although every now and then was called apon to perform his former specialty in civilian life. The AP, now curious, asked him what his specialty was. the Doctor replied that he was in charge of loosening the anus's of people that required it. "First I would insert one finger' the doctor said. Then the other finger on the other hand. After i got both hands in, id carefully stretch the rectum in both directions until its was about six feet long".

'Six feet ? The young AP said. What do you do with a ass hole thats six feet long? he asked.

'Well, you give him a radar gun and put him in the middle of a bridge" the doctor replied.

Ticket cost to the doctor: 180 dollars

Stinger
09 Sep 03,, 16:44
A Short Summary of France's Military History
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlboro, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and pissing their pants on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimos.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

bigross86
09 Sep 03,, 20:41
Yeah, that seems like an accurate breakdown of all of France's wars.

Ironduke
09 Sep 03,, 21:06
I don't mean to rain on everybody's parade, but what about the Battle of Tours and 1066?

bigross86
09 Sep 03,, 22:25
What? They actually won a couple? They're disqualified for some so far undetermined reason...

Ziska
10 Sep 03,, 02:55
Heres a post I ripped of another forum written by a chap called Evil Capitalist www.the-frontier.net.

You'd probably like it. They are a bit touchy about some areas, but generally they are intelligent and fun.


When I started this I thought it would be a lot shorter than it ended up. I apologise for letting it get to this length- it could probably do with a fair bit of trimming. Please bear in mind this is all in good fun, and is not an actual attack on the land of the brave and the home of the free. Investments may go down as well as up, keep out of reach of children and rednecks.

A short military history of America

Stars denote wars made into movies showing all-American heros engaged in daring-do, winning the war without need for bad grace, allies, or any weaponry that cannot be assembled out of the contents of the chopping shed and Mom’s apple pie.

The Anglo-Dutch wars: This marks the first real time that the place we think of as America went to war. This was primarily because Indians were getting so scarce on the coast that they could only be massacred in season, and the colonists needed something to do to pass the time. As a consequence they cheered as All-American Hero the Duke of York marched into a tiny Dutch trading post at the mouth of the Hudson, leading those brave All-American boys shipped from over the Atlantic onwards to victory.

The Seven Years War*: Known in America as the French and Indian war, primarily because a good part of the war consisted of the French fighting the Indians, while Americans sat on the sidelines wondering which one would be the easier to massacre. (The official reason for calling it the French and Indian war is because of how it was started by Austria trying to win land off Prussia). The colonists were particularly keen to start the war, and promptly saw their militia slaughtered by the French and Indians, who decided to team up just to give foreigners something to laugh about in later years. After this the war consisted mainly of the Americans waiting for the Household cavalry to appear over the horizon and win the day, which they do over the space of approximately 90 minutes on a bank holiday weekend in 1759. Already we can see a rule forming here- without significant foreign military aid America has severe trouble beating an enemy wielding anything more deadly than a beach parasol.

American War of Independence™*: The Seven Years war led to the formation of the second rule of American warfare- there’s always someone to fight. Without the French in Canada or the Spanish in Florida, there was only one option- fight themselves! Using the convenient excuse of being taxed to pay for their own defence, Americans decided to throw off the oppressive chains of British imperial domination that would later turn Canada into a 1984-style hell. New England rednecks scored impressive victories over regular British forces commanded by inbred incompetents with desires of beating the Russians in the Worst Officer Class ever awards. Wanting fancy uniforms, the Americans then draw up a proper army, which is promptly shattered. This states then argued about who should pay for their independence, while their generals won victories by massacring drunken Germans on internationally recognised holidays. Eventually the French managed to win control over the seas and land some competent officers to instruct the Americans. They then managed to hold on to enough territory while the pro-American opposition in Parliament forced the British to end the war. Thus was born the Land of the Free™ and the Home of the Brave™- two commodities which America has had a complete monopoly on ever since.

War of 1812: The second rule came into play once again, and America looked for someone to beat up. They decide on several million square miles of uninhabited wilderness. End result, Wilderness 1, America 0. The Americans try to pull off a three pronged attack into practically unprotected Canada, while the colonial overlord has all her troops involved in a war to decide the fate of the civilised world 5,000 miles away. American troops distinguished themselves by refusing to fight outside of their home state, showing a firm understanding of the idea of an offensive war. Britain manages to spare enough troops from the Gotterdammerung in Europe to take America’s capital city almost without a fight and burn it to the ground. Clearly we see the first rule in play here- America has trouble beating a force under a man whose chief CV point is being distantly related to Wellington. Although no film was made of this war, it is famous for being the place from which America’s national anthem derives, originally titled “Hey look- we’ve finally won a battle!”.

Indian Wars*: Having established the USA as a beacon of freedom and tolerance in which everyone had a say in the running of the country, the American people found to their horror that centuries of biological warfare had not quite wiped out the natives. Following a policy of ‘It’s not genocide if there are no survivors’, the government decided that the best way to serve the interests of the native Americans was to relocate them all to a telephone box in Arizona. The US army spend fifty glorious years fighting a brave struggle against a cunning and dastardly foe who stood for everything America didn’t, like the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. The war is the stuff of legend in the US, and many American schoolchildren hope that one day they too can go and cleanse Holy American Land of the filthy, alien indigenous peoples.

Mexican Wars: Having dealt with the Indians, the Americans felt confident that they could take on an enemy slightly higher up the ladder of inferior races. Not wanting to take too much in the way of risks they settle on Mexico, which was accused of stockpiling the Pacific coast and violating the no-salsa zone. In its 25 year history Mexico had already managed to lose a war to the three farmsteads that made up Texas, so the US had a fair chance of getting at least a draw. American troops do surprisingly well, especially considering the fact that the enemy have firearms.

The Civil War*: Once again the second rule comes into play- no Indians, no Mexicans, not Canadians to fight. Who next? The answer in retrospect was obvious- hillbillies. Needless to say, the USA was hardly going to make this a fair fight, making sure it massively outnumbered the south in everything that mattered. And they still managed to lose, nearly. Once again, Americans simply could not be bothered to get up and fight, preferring to sit at home and hoping the problem would go away. Having escaped getting their capital Southern Fried for a second time, the north finally remembers that there isn’t anyone else who they can get to fight this war for them, and proceed to pillage and burn anything that looks even vaguely redneck. This war is most famous for the film Gone With the Wind, with it’s classic summary of American foreign policy for the past 300 years- “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn”.

The Spanish American War: After realising that war actually involved effort, America found war ‘boring’ and ‘no longer fun’. As a consequence it was another thirty years before someone poor and weak enough to be a worthy adversary was found. With Mexico looking too dangerous America decided to pick on the world’s most decrepit empire- Spain. With a navy consisting of two old tin baths and a rubber duck the Spanish put up a valiant fight, assuming that a valiant fight consists of synchronised suicide. The Americans take a hill overlooking an insignificant town at ridiculously high cost, lose about a tenth of their entire army to disease and decide that it’s too much effort to bother fighting a proper battle and just wait for the Spanish to give in. This they duly do, and America ‘liberates’ Cuba, whose gratitude shines through to this day.

To be continued...

Ziska
10 Sep 03,, 02:59
...


World War I: 1914 was the year that Europe decided that peace, prosperity and having sections of the population aged between 15 and 35 was overrated. When war starts America manages to have its cake and eat it- not only do they sit around waiting for someone else to fight the war for them, but they kill a load of inferior Mexicans for refusing to salute the US flag. Eventually, after they find out that Germany has offered to help Mexico invade the USA, realising they would have an enemy who could fight back, America finally goes to war. Arriving just in time to chase the Germans back and claim victory, American history books could claim that without them Germany would have conquered the entire world. Upon entering the warzone American commanders demonstrate their intelligence and cunning by marching all their troops straight at the German guns. At this point even the Allied generals, for whom the greatest horror of war was being unable to get real Turkish delight for their mistresses, had figured out that this wasn’t the smartest of moves. The great fighting ability of the American soldier is demonstrated by achieving in seven months three times as many casualties as Belgium managed to suffer in four years, despite being in the middle of Trench warfare for all that time.

World War II*: America’s finest hour. Sadly, that isn’t saying much. The internationally recognised Most Evil Man Ever makes a bet with his friends about how many countries he can conquer before America declares war on him. He is on his twelfth when he gets so angry at America’s laziness that he decides to declare war on them in exasperation. The Americans discover that the Japanese are not actually bandy-legged inferior people who couldn’t see in the dark when they mount a surprise attack that knocks out most of the US military in the pacific. You do rather wonder what exactly the US navy thought the armada bearing down on one of their biggest naval bases was- a yacht club with a taste for military grey perhaps. The second world war was, for America, fought in two places. The first was the Pacific theatre, where America once again performed gloriously, managing to take less land off the Japanese than the Australians, before finding a way to win the war that only required a dozen or so people to leave their hammocks on tropical pacific islands. The war in Europe was characterised by American commanders trying to show cunning and guile, but giving up and borrowing the Russian tactic ‘if we outnumber you ten to one, we can afford to lose nine of them’. Thanks to this war Americans can tell any nationality in Europe that ‘If it wasn’t for us you’d all be speaking German’. Missing out on the fact that had the Germans won the war they would have said, rightly, that if it wasn’t for them you’d all be speaking English.

Korean War: Five years of peace occur before the second rule strikes, and America once again is off to fight. Several million Koreans under the command of a ruthless communist dictator attack several hundred thousand Koreans under the command of a regular old ruthless dictator, and needless to say, the USA feels obliged to fight for democracy in the area. On the flipping of a coin it is decided that the South Koreans are the more democratic, and need helping. Washington is horrified when it finds out that two squads of the Kentucky National Guard can’t actually hold off a million-man communist Blitzkrieg. They’re even more horrified when, having beaten the Koreans, the Chinese get involved and force the Americans to give up half the country. America decides that war’s really sad anyway and it’s only for losers and they weren’t really playing and China was cheating.

Vietnam war*: American post-war military history is a bit like that of someone in a corporate band called the Allies. First the group was working together, making some good singles and a chart-topping album called World War 2. Then the band started to have disagreements and fights, France goes off to have a solo career, and eventually everyone’s ‘following their heart’ and producing utter crap. The Vietnam war is the equivalent of the single that means the airhead singer will never work again. Having not fought a proper war for at least ten years, the Americans try to find a suitable dictatorial regime to prop up. Before you can say ‘My Lai’ American troops are swarming through the jungles, enjoying the warm hospitality of the natives. American troops are particularly keen to be polite, scrupulously obeying the ancient Vietnamese tradition for visitors- burning down the village and butchering the children of your host. American airmen promise to ‘bomb Vietnam back to the stone age’, then proceed to drop 2/3rd of their bombs on South Vietnam- the country they are notionally defending. At home American youths flee to Canada, on the grounds that they don’t want to fight in the jungles of South East Asia until the army figure out a way of killing people without leaving the air-conditioned bases. Eventually America decides that it’s all too much hard work, and that the South Vietnamese can be enslaved by communism after all. 50,000 Americans die in a guerilla war in the jungles of South East Asia- coincidentally the same number of troops required by the British to win a guerilla war in the jungles of South East Asia ten years earlier.

Grenada: Having lost to a nation whose idea of advanced weaponry was a bicycle with a sharp stick tied to the front, America decides to go back to basics for their next war. Fast approaching the constitutionally forbidden tenth year of peace, the US army selects its target- Grenada. As the world’s second largest nutmeg producer, it was only a matter of time before it joined with the godless communists and destroyed freedom as we know it. For a nation with a population one fifth the size of the US airforce the natives put up a strong fight. However soon America has made certain that the world is once again safe for democracy, apple pie and discount tourism. The world applauds America’s success much in the way a teacher at a school for ‘special’ students does when one of their charges manages to draw an upside down H at the age of fifteen.

Gulf War: America’s on a roll, having managed to defeat Panama after several years of protracted trench warfare. Now it’s time to start playing in the premier league, and the US decides to take on Iraq. Having secured UN support there are enough foreigners to do the military equivalent of holding a kid up when they use a bike without stabilisers for the first time. Even with widespread international help, the Iraqis know it’s still going to be nowhere near a fair fight unless they help the Americans out a lot, for example by taking the batteries out of their own tanks and push starting them in the morning. Even with this the US army has trouble getting their head around the whole idea. One American unit makes the mistake of confusing the Union Jack with the Iraqi flag, and ends up killing more British soldiers than the entire Iraqi military. Having managed to drive the enemy out of Kuwait, the Americans once again get bored, and put defeating Saddam Hussein on their ‘to do’ pile, promising to get it done after the barbeque next week.

The War Against Terror: Or, as American commanders originally referred to it, T.W.A.T. Finally America had found its calling- a war that involved plenty of cool explosions, the needless death of allies to moronic friendly-fire incidents, slaughter of generic dark-skinned natives, an Evil sounding enemy and, most importantly, no risk whatsoever for any Americans. Thanks to American bravery in handing suitcases of cash to Afghani warlords and bombing raids against dictionary suppliers, terror was completely destroyed, in another glorious victory for the USA.

So- who’s next?


If you hadn't guessed, the author is British.

bigross86
10 Sep 03,, 14:23
Wow, I thik this guy is still a bit depressed over '76

TopHatter
10 Sep 03,, 17:12
*sigh* I wish I could point out all the half-truths and outright falsities in that "History Of The US" but so much of it is true to one extent or another and it really needed saying, if only for fairness sake.

ChrisF202
10 Sep 03,, 20:43
Originally posted by bigross86
Wow, I thik this guy is still a bit depressed over '76
got that right

bigross86
10 Sep 03,, 22:35
And than a little ass-whupping in 1814. Especially the navies. Old Ironsides (USS Constitution) the oldest Commisioned ship in the world. She fought HMS GUERRIERE,


Aug. 19 1812 - The CONSTITUTION's historic fight with HMS GUERRIERE takes place some 600 miles east of Boston on the afternoon of August 19, 1812. After an hour of inconclusive maneuvering and shooting, the two settle down to a short-range slugfest. After 20 minutes the Briton's mizzenmast falls, and a short time later both her remaining masts go overboard. At some point in the battle, someone reportedly sees a British shot bounce off the CONSTITUTION's side, and shouts, "Huzzah! Her sides are made of iron!"-and so is born the nickname "OLD IRONSIDES." The Americans have 14 casualties; the British, 79. The GUERRIERE is so badly damaged she has to be sunk after the surviving crew are brought onboard the CONSTITUTION. In recognition of this spectacular victory-incredibly motivating to a nation that had seen many military defeats in the war to date-Congress awards Capt. Isaac Hull a special gold medal, his officers medals of silver, and the crew $50,000.

HMS JAVA


Dec. 29 1812- The CONSTITUTION is about 30 miles off the coast of Brazil on 29 December 1812 when, at about 2 in the afternoon, she begins a fight with the faster HMS JAVA. Commodore William Bainbridge, now in command of "Old Ironsides," is wounded twice, and the ship's steering wheel is shot away, but for more than 3 hours he maneuvers masterfully and fights tenaciously until, finally, the JAVA has no masts left standing and her captain lays dying. This time there are 34 American casualties as opposed to around 130 British. Like the GUERRIERE, the JAVA is too badly damaged to bring home - but before he sinks her, Bainbridge has her wheel removed to replace the one shot away on the CONSTITUTION.

British men-of-war CYANE and LEVANT


Feb. 20 1815- Capt. Charles Stewart has the CONSTITUTION about 180 miles from Madeira when he encounters the British men-of-war CYANE (34 guns) and LEVANT (21 guns). This two-against-one fight begins as the sun is setting. Through superb sail handling and tactics, Stewart swiftly closes on CYANE and deals her tremendous damage to her masts and rigging. Then he blasts the LEVANT hard enough to put her out of action for awhile, during which time he closes again on the CYANE and forces her surrender. After putting a prize crew in the CYANE, he turns his attention again to the LEVANT, chasing and firing into her until she also surrenders. Stewart has 18 killed and wounded; his two opponents have around 80 casualties. He hopes to bring both captures home, but runs into a British squadron that retakes the LEVANT. The CONSTITUTION and CYANE return safely to New York on May 15, 1815-Captain Stewart recently learning, at Puerto Rico, that the war has ended. The CYANE is purchased into the U.S. Navy and becomes the USS CYANE. For his victories, Stewart receives a gold medal from Congress, and the crew is awarded considerable prize money; "Old Ironsides" is the only ship to have all her War of 1812 captains decorated by Congress. Thus, the CONSTITUTION's wartime service ends-but she is widely recognized for having played a glorious part in our defense of freedom and our naval heritage.

USS Constitution, Old Ironsides website (http://www.oldironsides.com)

TopHatter
19 Sep 03,, 14:51
The old Chief finally retired from the Navy and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his lifelong pet parrot.

First morning at 04:30, the parrot squawked and said, "Off yer hocks and don yer socks. Reveille"

The old chief told the parrot, "We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep."

The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. The old Chief told the parrot, "Look, if you keep this up, I will put you out in the chicken pen."

Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen. About 06:30, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter.

The parrot had about 40 white chickens in formation and on the ground lay 3 bruised and beaten brown ones. The parrot was saying, "By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean Khakis!

TopHatter
19 Sep 03,, 15:02
Now, understand that this is tongue-in-cheek, especially after that American History lesson from that British chap.

1871 - Bismarck founds modern Germany.

1890 - Bismarck sacked, warmonger Wilhelm II takes direct control.

1914 - Germany starts World War I.

1914-1918 - Germany kills millions upon millions of people.

1917 - Germany force peace loving Americans to enter war.

1918 - Germany loses World War I.

1920's - Germans try democracy.

1933 - Germans reject democracy, allow Hitler to take power.

1939 - Germany starts World War II.

1939-1945 - Germany kills millions upon millions of people.

1941 - Germany force peace loving Americans to enter war.

1945 - Germany loses World War II.

1946 - Germans whine about lack of food, America gives billions in food aid to feed them.

1947 - Germans whine about crappy economy, America gives billions in Marshall Plan aid to rebuild German economy.

1948-1949 - America puts ass on line and risks WWIII to save a few Berliners from Soviet hordes.

1949 - Federal Republic of Germany (West Germany) established.

1950's - America spends billions to defend West Germany from Soviet hordes.

1950's - German 'economic miracle' occurs while America keeps watch on Soviet hordes.

1955 - NATO formed to protect West Germany from Soviet hordes.

1960's - America spends billions to defend West Germany from Soviet hordes.

1960's - German students protest war in Vietnam and American civil rights.

1963 - American President John Kennedy makes "Ich bin ein Berliner" speech.

1970's - America spends billions to defend West Germany from Soviet hordes.

1970's - Germans form the Marxist terrorist group Red Army Faction (RAF).

1970's - Leftist German guerrillas burn, loot, and plunder much of West Germany.

1980's - America spends tens of billions to defend West Germany from Soviet hordes.

1980's - German leftists bitch about Pershing II missiles.

1987 - American President Ronald Reagan makes "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall" speech.

1989 - Gorbachev tears down Berlin Wall.

1990 - German Reunification.

1990's - America spends tens of billions to defend Germany from Islamic hordes.

1990's - Germany stands by as ethnic cleansing occurs in Balkans.

1993 - Germany joins European Union.

1995 - Americans send troops to Bosnia as Germans watch from the sidelines.

1997 - Germans finally send troops to Bosnia.

1998 - Hard-line, left-of-left socialist come to power under Gerhard Schroeder.

1999 - American's lead air war to save Kosovo as Germans watch from the sidelines.

2001 - Schroeder offers solidarity to America after 9/11 attacks.

2002 - Schroeder bashes America to distract voters during election campaign.

2003 - Germany sees rise in anti-Americanism after several decades of poor treatment from America.

AND YOU THOUGHT THE FRENCH WERE A BUNCH OF UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS?

ChrisF202
20 Sep 03,, 15:05
lol, it seems France and Germany have become more and more leftist since 1945

bigross86
20 Sep 03,, 18:41
Yeah, I guess they got tired of fighting each other and decided to gang up on the US

Stinger
15 Oct 03,, 14:58
1. How many men does it take to open a beer? None.
It should be opened by the time she brings it.

2. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.

3. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to
stand closer to the kitchen sink.

4. How do you know when a woman is about to say
something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me."

5. How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

6. Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the
required pressure.

7. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

8. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

9. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

10. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

11. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

12. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake.

13. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

14. Our last fight was my fault; My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

15. Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

16. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every
country, son."

17. A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds: Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

18. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

19. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

20. Why do brides wear white?
Men like their dishwasher to match the fridge and range.

bigross86
15 Oct 03,, 15:14
Ah. Male chauvanist jokes. Just check out This (http://forum.a-10.org/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=2492) address. Amazingly enough, not one of those were copied and pasted from websites. Those were all from my private collection of jokes.

Stinger
15 Oct 03,, 15:16
1 . Build a man a fire he'll be warm for a day. Light a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

2. Some people are like Slinkies, not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday....lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to.

7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

15. You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

16. Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already know everything.

17. If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you.

18. You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over backwards but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

19. I'm not 50-something. I'm $49.95, plus shipping and handling.

20. Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

Stinger
27 Oct 03,, 18:17
A Sappers tale

A Sapper left his barracks one Friday afternoon. But instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend drinking with the boys and spending his entire weeks pay! When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife who went berserk at him for nearly two hours with a tirade of his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied: "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

bigross86
14 Dec 03,, 16:54
The Show Off Pilots

An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.
Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"

"We just shut down two engines."

Military Etiquette

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.
Do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR!

The Way It Should Be:

http://www.funnyfortune.com/photos/1103/discipline.jpg

Trooth
14 Dec 03,, 18:05
similarly

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was "running a bit rough."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah", the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."