JAD_333

Noah meets Zoning, etal.

In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now
> living in the United States, and said, "Once again,
> the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I
> see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark
> and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
> humans."
>
> He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6
> months to build the Ark before I will start the unending
> rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
>
> Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
> weeping in his yard -- but no Ark.
>
> "Noah!" he roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where
> is the Ark?"
>
> "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have
> changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing
> with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
> My neighbors claim that I've violated the
> neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and
> exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the
> Development Appeal Board for a decision.
>
> Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond
> be posted for the future costs of moving power lines
> and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage
> for the Ark's move to the sea.. I told them that the
> sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing
> of it.
>
> Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on
> cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.
> I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
> needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
>
> When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights
> group sued me.
>
> They insisted that I was confining wild animals
> against their will. They argued the accommodation was too
> restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so
> many animals in a confined space.
>
> Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until
> they'd conducted an environmental impact study on
> your proposed flood.
>
> I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human
> Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed
> to hire for my building crew.
>
> Immigration and Naturalization is checking the
> green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
>
> The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist
> I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building
> experience.
>
> To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets,
> claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with
> endangered species.
>
> So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
> years for me to finish this Ark."
>
> Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
> and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up
> in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to
> destroy the world?"
>
> "No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

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