World Affairs Board - View Single Post - B-2 Crashes On Guam

Adux · 02-25-2008, 04:21 AM

Quote:

What Really Happened To The B2, Spirit of Kansas
Some new information has come to light over the B2 crash. For those with short attention spans, the B2 was the stealth bomber that crashed in Guam. The Air Force tried to blame the incident on a collision with a Gooney Bird. However, control tower tapes that recorded the blasts (a small one at first, then a much larger one two minutes later) cast doubt on these claims. A whistle blower within the Air Force has leaked that the crew of the B2 was testing a new type of smart bomb when the accident occurred. It seemed very likely that the test didn't go quite as planned.

The pilots ejected safely before the B2 crashed, salvage crews were able to recover a 'Black Box' from the stealth bomber, which contained detailed accounts of the events leading up to the explosion. As luck would have it, we got a copy of those tapes.
It turns out that the stealth bomber crew was trying to load Microsoft Vista on their fire control computer. Their intent was to replace the aging DOS operating system with the flashier Windows OS. Apparently, the Air Force didn't know about the legendary stability problems exhibited by Windows. The log tapes make this painfully obvious:

Pilot: Is the new fire control Windows OS installed yet?

Co-pilot: Almost Sir. We just need to finish filling out the registration card.

Pilot: Excellent. Soon we will be able to point and click our enemies into oblivion.

[Evil laughter in background]

Co-pilot: Pilot! It is booting! Look, it says "Preparing to run Windows for the first time".

[Long pause]

Co-pilot: Arrgh! Sir, it wants me to reboot again. That makes the 27th time.

Pilot: Hmmm. This is not encouraging. Go ahead and reboot again.

Co-pilot: Yes Sir.

[Another long pause]

Co-pilot: Pilot, it is up again. It says it found new hardware ... A CD-ROM drive and that it needs drivers.

Pilot: Where are the drivers?

Co-pilot: On the CD-ROM.

Pilot: You are joking, right?

Co-pilot: No Sir.

Pilot: Reboot the damn thing again. I am starting not to like this Windows Vista.

[Another long pause]

Co-pilot: Sir! It is back! It says it found the Whissbang2000 Smart bomb and is looking for the device drivers. Do we have a driver disk?

Pilot: I do not think so.

Co-pilot: I will tell it to use the default drivers.

[another long pause]

Co-pilot: Crap. It wants to reboot again.

Pilot: How many times are we going to reboot today? This is taking forever. Our fuel supply is going to run out before this works.

[Another long pause]

Co-pilot: Sir! It is up and this time it is not asking for anything!

Pilot: Really? No device drivers? No registration cards? No user profiles?

Co-pilot: No Sir. I think it is ready.

Pilot: Good work. Now click on the fire control icon and let us see how this works.

Co-pilot: Clicking now, Sir.

[Another long pause]

Pilot: Why does the fire control screen have a dancing paper clip on it?

Co-pilot: I have no idea Sir.

Pilot: Hmmm, well try clicking on the menu.

Co-pilot: Yes Sir. Let us see; Open E-mail, Spam a friend, Mail a Virus, Drop a Smart bomb.

Pilot: We will spam a friend later. Let us drop a smart bomb.

Co-pilot: Yes Sir.

[Another long pause]

Co-pilot: It is asking us to arm the smart bomb and to click when ready.

Pilot: Arm a smart bomb in bomb bay number 1!

[Intercom:] The smart bomb is armed Sir.

Pilot: Click on the continue button.

Co-pilot: Yes Sir.

[Another long pause]

Co-pilot: It is asking for a target Sir.

Pilot: Hmmm, target the Rainbow Warrior.

Co-pilot: Yes Sir. Damn! It says the smart bomb is low on ink.

Pilot: Click ignore. We will get some ink when we return to base.

Co-pilot: Yes Sir. We are ready to drop.

Pilot: Very good. You may drop when ready.

Co-pilot: Smart bomb away Sir.

[Another really long pause]

Pilot: Well?

Co-pilot: I am trying Sir. Nothing is happening. Wait a minute...

[A loud explosion is heard in the background followed by screaming on intercom]

Pilot: WTF was that?!?!?

Co-pilot: Pilot! A new screen has appeared! "Outlook Express Fire Control has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Click 'OK' to continue."

Co-pilot: Oh my God! The paper clip has died! What should I do?

Pilot: Shut it down! Shut it down!

Co-pilot: It is not responding Sir!

Pilot: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE'!

Co-pilot: Yes Sir. We are in luck! The task manager is still operating. I am instructing the task manager to shut down Outlook Fire Control.

[Another long pause]

Co-pilot: The task manager says that Outlook Fire Control is not responding.

Pilot: Well no ****. Tell it to 'end task'.

Co-pilot: Nothing is happening Sir.

Pilot: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE' again.

Co-pilot: Yes Sir.

[Sounds of frantic pecking on keyboard.]

Co-pilot: Oooh! What a pretty blue screen!

Pilot: Holy ****! Not the blue screen of dea....

[ KABLAM! A really big explosion. More screaming, eject, eject, eject and the sound of rushing air.]

The tape ends at this point. During the rescue effort, Search and Rescue pilots reported hearing the same message from both downed pilots. The rescuers couldn't understand why both pilots would keep repeating "WINDOWS SUCKS" over their rescue radios. The tapes of the last moments of the B2 may offer some insight into this.

Vista anyone!!!!