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glyn · 03-30-2007, 06:36 AM

JOHN CLEESE'S LETTER To AMERICA (former Monty Python member)

*To the citizens of the United States of America :

In light of your failure to elect competent
Presidents of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,
we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will
resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths and other territories (excepting
Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a
governor for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next
year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are to be introduced
with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English Dictionary.

Then look up "aluminium," and check the
pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'
will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
'favour' and 'neighbour.'

Likewise,you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize"
will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced
'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as
'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with
correct pronunciation.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up
"vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and
"you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will
let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You will relearn your original national anthem,
"God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying
out Task #1 (see above).

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a
holiday. November 2nd will be a new national
holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It
will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that
you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not
adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not
grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own
or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable
peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are
crap and this is for your own good. When we show
you European cars, you will understand what we mean.
All intersections will be replaced with
roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left
with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric immediately and without the benefit
of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol
(which you have been calling "gasoline") -roughly
$8 US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things
you call French fries are not real chips, and those
things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise
but with vinegar.

10. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be
more aggressive with customers.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling
beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only
proper British Bitter will be referred to as
"beer," and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American
brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of
further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be
required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an
experience akin to having one's ears removed with a
cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American "football."
There is only one kind of proper football; you call
it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in
time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American "football", but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the "World
Series" for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there
is a world beyond your borders, your error is
understandable.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been
driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector)
from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due
backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese

03-30-2007, 06:36 AM	#158 (permalink)
glyn *Military Professional* Join Date: 09-15-06 Location: Penzance, Cornwall UK Posts: 6,886	Old, but clearly still valid! JOHN CLEESE'S LETTER To AMERICA (former Monty Python member) *To the citizens of the United States of America : In light of your failure to elect competent Presidents of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are to be introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise,you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. 2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize." 3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above). 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day." 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you European cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") -roughly $8 US gallon. Get used to it. 9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar. 10. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. 12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. 13. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. 14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776. Thank you for your co-operation. John Cleese __________________ Semper in excretum. Solum profunda variat.