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The Wonderful World of Junk Science
by Henry Gibson
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Are you skating to a bachelors' in science on C's and D's?
Unfortunately you won't be able to get a paying job in your field, once they get a look at your grades.
You will be overqualified for the position of "technician" (bottle washer), and besides those jobs are reserved for the underprivileged.
So you go find yourself a foundation.
Preferably one that doesn't have anything to do with science - that way they won't know what you're talking about when you submit your grant proposal.
Your proposed research doesn't have to actually achieve any result - it just has to be packaged to appeal to their personal prejudices (along with some serious booty worship). Find the right anus and apply liberal lip massage.
Once you've got your grant you can goof off on some island getting a tan and living on the cheap.
When you have a little free time, do some research.
Keep all data that agrees with your thesis - discard and conceal any that conflicts with it.
When the money runs out, get some starry eyed wannabe to be your intern and type it up all nice on their computer (make sure they have a nice computer first) then submit your research to your funding foundation.
Your next grant depends on how well it appeals to their personal politics, so be sure to attend lots of their cocktail parties; listen and determine what they like to hear, and get a free drunk and fondue dinner.
If you ever get found out, blame it all on that lousy wannabe intern who broke up your chain of data by incompetence and losing that other data that empirically proved your result. Make sure they have really bad grades when you're checking out their computer - that will focus the blame on them. Then when you get your new grant, forgive 'em and give 'em a chance to make up for the dirty mess they made - as an unpaid intern.
Good luck with your career in Junk Science,
Henry-
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