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Captain C · 08-16-2003, 05:05 AM

HAIRCUT STANDARDS FOR THE ARMED FORCES

MARINES: Heads will be shaved.

ARMY: Stylish flat-tops for all recruits.

NAVY: No haircut standard.

AIR FORCE: Complete make-overs as seen on the Jenny Jones show.

The General was ordered by the Secretary of Defense to gather his officers from the Army, Navy, Marine Corps, and Air Force and try and figure out why there’s so much difficulty in communicating with each other.

The General gathers his Captains (and his Navy Lieutenant), and tells them their first task is to “secure” a particular building. He orders them to go home and prepare a list of steps for the plan and bring them back to him the next morning.

The Navy Lieutenant calls his Master Chief and says: Tell those swabs to:
-- Unplug the coffeepots
-- Turn off the computers
-- Turn out the lights
-- Lock the doors and leave the building unoccupied

The Army Captain has his list in his notepad:
-- Assemble the company
-- Appoint guard mount and Sergeant of the Guard
-- Take control of all exits
-- Make sure no one gets into the building without a pass

The Marine Corps Captain writes down her steps on palm of her hand:
-- Assemble the platoon and supplies
-- Approach the building along three axis
-- Bring the building under mortar and SAW fire
-- Assault the building under covering fire
-- Sequester surviving prisoners
-- Establish lanes of fire
-- Prepare artillery calls
-- Repel counterattacks

The Air Force Captain types his list into his laptop:
-- Contact real estate agent
-- Negotiate 1-year lease
-- Be sure to get option to buy

MEAL STANDARDS FOR THE ARMED FORCES
MARINES: Meals, Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.
ARMY: One hot meal, 2 MRE’s.
NAVY: 3 hot meals.
AIR FORCE: Catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Child, Wolfgang Puck and Emeril Lagasse. All you can eat.

The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available.

The colonel called the first butter-bar into his office and said, “This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1700, what would you do?”

The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said, “Sir. I would get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging.“

“You’re not ready to be promoted,” the Colonel interrupted.

The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.

“Sir,” said the next butter-bar, “I would fill out a CE work order, making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study and . . . “

“You are definitely not ready to be promoted,” the Colonel said.

The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate.

Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, “Sir. I would call the First Sergeant, and say, ‘Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole in front of HQ by 1700!”

“You’re ready to be promoted,” the Colonel said.

(Note: This was an actual letter sent to a major newspaper.
It obviously was from someone in Palm Beach.)

Dear Editor,

Today is Veterans Day, so I asked someone who had been in the Armed Service what he did in the military. He said, “I was in the Pacific Theater.” I asked him if any other GIs were with him. He said “Yes, there were thousands of us in the Pacific Theater.” I asked him how much time he spent in the Pacific Theater. He said that he was in the Pacific Theater every day for five months!

I certainly believe that our fighting men need some recreation, but I think that they don’t need to be in the movie theater that long. Back in 1944, for example, our boys in uniform were having a tough time on the beaches of Normandy - yet there were thousands of GIs off in the movie theater who could have been helping out. And as a Concerned American, I think it is a bit excessive for a serviceman to be at the picture show every day for five months. Of course, all Veterans were not in the Pacific Theater, and we should be proud of those who fought and who made sacrifices.

A Concerned American
Palm Beach, Florida

A rather old minesweeper was cruising a lonely stretch of the South Pacific and was overtaken by a new Australian cruiser.

All the US sailors admired the new ship and the Captain sent a blinker- light message to the Aussies: “You are beautiful.”

Less than 10 seconds later, the Aussie ship blinkered back: “I’ll bet you say that to all the ships.”

The difference in “Military Intelligence”

Take the Army, for instance. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Army private wakes up from a bellow from the First Sergeant. He grabs a set of BDUs out of his foot locker, gets dressed, runs down to the chow-hall for a breakfast on the run, then jumps in his tank. Pretty soon, the Platoon Commander arrives, gives him a big salute, and says, “Give ‘em Hell, men.”

Now take the Marines. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Marine recruit is kicked out of bed by his First Sergeant, puts on a muddy set of BDUs because he just got back in from the field three hours before. He gets no breakfast, but is told to feel free to chew on his boots. He runs out and forms up with
his rifle. Pretty soon, his platoon commander comes out, a young Captain, Gives his Marines a Sharp Salute, and says, “Give ‘em Hell, Marines!”

Now take the Navy. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Sailor is eating breakfast in the messroom.. He walks 20 feet to his battle station, stuffing extra pastries in his pocket as he goes. There he sits, in the middle of a steel target, with nowhere to run, when the Captain comes on the 1MC and says, “Give ‘em Hell, Sailors! I salute you!”

Now the Air Force. When the stuff hits the fan, the Airman receives a phone call in his off-base quarters. He gets up, showers, shaves, and puts on a fresh uniform he had just picked up from the BX cleaners the day before. He jumps in his car, and stops at McDonalds for a McMuffin on his way into work. Once he arrives at work, he signs in on the duty roster and proceeds to his F-16. He spends 30 minutes pre-flighting it, signs off the forms. Pretty soon the Pilot, a young captain gets out and straps into the Plane. He starts the engines. Our Young Airman stands at attention, gives the Captain a sharp salute, and says, “Give ‘em Hell, Sir!”

“When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional. I’m getting out before it becomes mandatory.” General J. Wickam, U S Army, Retired

08-16-2003, 05:05 AM	#12 (permalink)
Captain C *Military Professional* Join Date: 08-08-03 Location: Bakersfield, California Posts: 172 Country:	Military Differences HAIRCUT STANDARDS FOR THE ARMED FORCES MARINES: Heads will be shaved. ARMY: Stylish flat-tops for all recruits. NAVY: No haircut standard. AIR FORCE: Complete make-overs as seen on the Jenny Jones show. The General was ordered by the Secretary of Defense to gather his officers from the Army, Navy, Marine Corps, and Air Force and try and figure out why there’s so much difficulty in communicating with each other. The General gathers his Captains (and his Navy Lieutenant), and tells them their first task is to “secure” a particular building. He orders them to go home and prepare a list of steps for the plan and bring them back to him the next morning. The Navy Lieutenant calls his Master Chief and says: Tell those swabs to: -- Unplug the coffeepots -- Turn off the computers -- Turn out the lights -- Lock the doors and leave the building unoccupied The Army Captain has his list in his notepad: -- Assemble the company -- Appoint guard mount and Sergeant of the Guard -- Take control of all exits -- Make sure no one gets into the building without a pass The Marine Corps Captain writes down her steps on palm of her hand: -- Assemble the platoon and supplies -- Approach the building along three axis -- Bring the building under mortar and SAW fire -- Assault the building under covering fire -- Sequester surviving prisoners -- Establish lanes of fire -- Prepare artillery calls -- Repel counterattacks The Air Force Captain types his list into his laptop: -- Contact real estate agent -- Negotiate 1-year lease -- Be sure to get option to buy MEAL STANDARDS FOR THE ARMED FORCES MARINES: Meals, Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day. ARMY: One hot meal, 2 MRE’s. NAVY: 3 hot meals. AIR FORCE: Catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Child, Wolfgang Puck and Emeril Lagasse. All you can eat. The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available. The colonel called the first butter-bar into his office and said, “This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1700, what would you do?” The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said, “Sir. I would get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging.“ “You’re not ready to be promoted,” the Colonel interrupted. The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate. “Sir,” said the next butter-bar, “I would fill out a CE work order, making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study and . . . “ “You are definitely not ready to be promoted,” the Colonel said. The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate. Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, “Sir. I would call the First Sergeant, and say, ‘Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole in front of HQ by 1700!” “You’re ready to be promoted,” the Colonel said. (Note: This was an actual letter sent to a major newspaper. It obviously was from someone in Palm Beach.) Dear Editor, Today is Veterans Day, so I asked someone who had been in the Armed Service what he did in the military. He said, “I was in the Pacific Theater.” I asked him if any other GIs were with him. He said “Yes, there were thousands of us in the Pacific Theater.” I asked him how much time he spent in the Pacific Theater. He said that he was in the Pacific Theater every day for five months! I certainly believe that our fighting men need some recreation, but I think that they don’t need to be in the movie theater that long. Back in 1944, for example, our boys in uniform were having a tough time on the beaches of Normandy - yet there were thousands of GIs off in the movie theater who could have been helping out. And as a Concerned American, I think it is a bit excessive for a serviceman to be at the picture show every day for five months. Of course, all Veterans were not in the Pacific Theater, and we should be proud of those who fought and who made sacrifices. A Concerned American Palm Beach, Florida A rather old minesweeper was cruising a lonely stretch of the South Pacific and was overtaken by a new Australian cruiser. All the US sailors admired the new ship and the Captain sent a blinker- light message to the Aussies: “You are beautiful.” Less than 10 seconds later, the Aussie ship blinkered back: “I’ll bet you say that to all the ships.” The difference in “Military Intelligence” Take the Army, for instance. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Army private wakes up from a bellow from the First Sergeant. He grabs a set of BDUs out of his foot locker, gets dressed, runs down to the chow-hall for a breakfast on the run, then jumps in his tank. Pretty soon, the Platoon Commander arrives, gives him a big salute, and says, “Give ‘em Hell, men.” Now take the Marines. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Marine recruit is kicked out of bed by his First Sergeant, puts on a muddy set of BDUs because he just got back in from the field three hours before. He gets no breakfast, but is told to feel free to chew on his boots. He runs out and forms up with his rifle. Pretty soon, his platoon commander comes out, a young Captain, Gives his Marines a Sharp Salute, and says, “Give ‘em Hell, Marines!” Now take the Navy. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Sailor is eating breakfast in the messroom.. He walks 20 feet to his battle station, stuffing extra pastries in his pocket as he goes. There he sits, in the middle of a steel target, with nowhere to run, when the Captain comes on the 1MC and says, “Give ‘em Hell, Sailors! I salute you!” Now the Air Force. When the stuff hits the fan, the Airman receives a phone call in his off-base quarters. He gets up, showers, shaves, and puts on a fresh uniform he had just picked up from the BX cleaners the day before. He jumps in his car, and stops at McDonalds for a McMuffin on his way into work. Once he arrives at work, he signs in on the duty roster and proceeds to his F-16. He spends 30 minutes pre-flighting it, signs off the forms. Pretty soon the Pilot, a young captain gets out and straps into the Plane. He starts the engines. Our Young Airman stands at attention, gives the Captain a sharp salute, and says, “Give ‘em Hell, Sir!” “When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional. I’m getting out before it becomes mandatory.” General J. Wickam, U S Army, Retired __________________ Revelation 16:16 And he gathered them together into a place called in the Hebrew tongue Armageddon. (Been There)